“What are you doing here?” I asked him.
After a beat of silence, he cleared his throat and changed the subject, looking down at me through his lashes. “You still wear that perfume I like. With the roses.”
I splayed my fingers over the cold bricks. “Yeah, well, you changed yours.” Strange how it sounded like I was accusing him of something. “But the new one’s not bad.”
“Stoner, are you upset Annie got engaged?”
“Not at all,” I said quickly. “I just don’t believe in love, so these things fall a little flat for me.”
Ben didn’t say anything for an excruciatingly long time, until I couldn’t stand it anymore and wrenched my eyes from the twinkle lights to stare at his face. It was guarded.
“I was under the impression you loved me,” he said finally, voice quiet. “Back when we dated.”
It was hard to admit, since I’d taken such pains to convince Ben of my indifference at the end of our relationship. But I did it anyway, because of the way he’d turned his gaze carefully out into the garden, as if he was steeling himself against my next words.
“I did love you, back then.”
“And then you stopped?”
“I just knew it wouldn’t end well. Love doesn’t last, Ben. Not for me or my parents or my sister. Not for Annie and Zoey, no matter how perfect they seem right now. Love builds you up, then it tears you down, exacting the most pain it can. But only if you let it.”
“I see.” He leaned closer. “And you’re determined not to. That’s why you don’t do relationships anymore. That’s why kissing someone doesn’t mean anything.”
“Right.” I watched him warily.
He glanced at me, and I was surprised to see he looked almost angry. “Why didn’t you tell me this when we were dating? You never let me see how hurt you were. I would havekilledto have known this about you. I was always trying to figure you out.”
“It’s not about hurt, Ben. It’s about pragmatism. A clear-eyed understanding of how the world works. Besides, I never would have had a conversation like this back when we were dating.”
It was true. As fast as I’d fallen for Ben, as strongly as I’d felt, there was something different about our relationship now—the long hours spent together on the campaign, working toward our shared goal, the months of friendship without the possibility of anything more. It made it feel safe to say these things.
I changed the subject. “Your dad abandoned your mom, too. We have the same history. I don’t understand why you aren’t as worried as I am that the person you love most in the world will crush you one day.”
Ben’s entire face changed. His eyes flashed with incredulous anger, and he flung himself off the wall. “The person I love mostdidcrush me, Stoner. Or do you not remember what happened five years ago?”
He stormed into the garden, leaving me alone against the wall. Oh, that wasnotfair. I stormed after him.
“That’s obviously not true,” I said, raising my voice. “You know I was talking about your future wife. Someone like that.”
He spun on his heel, anger radiating. “Are you kidding? Do you not understand what you meant to me?”
The words hit me like bricks to the chest, and I froze. Ben had told me he loved me when we dated, but I’d never let myself think it was the serious kind. At least, not on his side. In fact, my certainty that our feelings were mismatched was one of the reasons I’d been so convinced he would one day cheat like all the others.
“No,” I said thickly. “I don’t.”
Ben’s voice was anguished. “Goddammit. You broke myheart, Lee.”
The words hung between us, alive and electric, charging the air. I couldn’t look away from him, standing there like a vision pulled from one of my dreams during the years we’d spent apart—his eyes burning, face half-shadowed by the string lights. I’d spent so much time burying myself under layers of armor that it was startling to see a person expose themself like this; a jolt to recognize this was the real Ben, straight through. He’d cracked open his chest to show me his heart.
And so I laughed, in panic—this timeIwas the desperate one. “Yeah, well, I broke my own heart, too, okay? I’ll admit it. I ruined everything. Happy?”
Ben’s eyes pinned me. “When I woke up next to you at Ely’s, I wanted you so bad I couldn’t think straight. For a minute, I lay there and imagined kissing you, touching you.Beingwith you.”
He’d done exactly what I had.
“And you know what? I’ll confess, too.” He clenched his jaw. “It wasn’t the first time I’d imagined it. But then I thought about what it would be like to reallybe with you—to try again—and all I could picture was a repeat of history. I don’t want to get hurt again, Stoner.”
“And I don’t want to hurt you,” I said. “So let’s call it. I’ll stop chasing you, and you stop chasing me. Do the sensible thing and leave. You’ve done it before.” I could feel the old pain rise, sharp as ever.
