What would happen if I crept out of the room, closed the door whisper-quiet behind me and sneaked into the living room to watch him? It would be a hate-watch, of course. I would invent curses and whisper them over his prone body.
He’d probably been out like a light the minute his head hit the pillow, and was halfway into some dream about winning our contest and lording it over me by now. I’d always marveled at Ben’s ability to fall asleep as soon as he decided it was time.
Meanwhile, here I was, replaying our argument by the taco truck on a loop, and also the way Ben had looked, sweaty and covered in grease after car repairs, and then shirtless before his shower, and then dreamy as he gazed up at the stars from the other side of the fire.The Many Faces of Ben Laderman: A Twelve-Month Calendar for Naughty Girls.
I knew what was happening, and it was classic Stoner. Ben was off-limits—both because of his girlfriend and because, at best, he thought of me as a work frenemy he’d once regrettably dated. And now, consequently and causally, I was once again fascinated by him.
There was no better example of how my messed-up brain worked than the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about Bennow, after we’d gotten into a fight, right when it was clearest he could barely tolerate me. In the past, my need to prove myself had caused me to chase many a man who was verboten or simply didn’t seem interested. Then, the instant I won him, the thrill was over and I dropped him like a hot potato. It always ended badly.
This was my self-destructive impulse hard at work. Well, not today, Satan. I would deny all my instincts when it came to Ben. Unlike five years ago, this time I wouldn’t allow my feelings to guide me. They simply couldn’t be trusted.
A knock sounded at the door.
I yanked the comforter off my head and sat up straight as a board, heart thumping. “Yes?” I squeaked.
The door swung open silently and Ben stepped inside. He still wore the flannel shirt Ely had lent him and his own jeans. He was barefoot, and it was a sign of how ridiculous my brain was that the sight of his bare feet made me shiver, the intimacy thrilling.
“Did I wake you?”
With his eyes on me, goose bumps flared to life. I drew the comforter back up to my chin. “No.”I was lying awake remembering, inch by inch, how beautiful your face looked in the firelight.I cleared my throat. “What’s up?”
Ben crossed his arms, still standing in the doorway. “It’s freezing in the living room. My teeth are actually chattering, which I didn’t realize happened in real life. Ely mentioned there were blankets, but I couldn’t find any. Do you have spares in here?”
“You’re free to look,” I said, settling back against the pillows.
Ben flashed me a quick, tight-lipped smile and crept inside, footsteps barely making a sound on the wood floors. No wonder I hadn’t heard him coming. Laderman was a ninja.
I watched him by the moonlight coming in through the window. He opened the double doors to the wardrobe and rustled inside; then, coming away empty-handed, he moved to the dresser by the side of the bed. He wrestled open the top drawer, which clearly wasn’t used to being opened.
I sat stiff in bed, unsure what to do with myself, and hyperconscious of Ben’s body only a foot away.
Ben stuck his hand in the next drawer and peered into it as he rummaged. “Congrats on getting Ely to support the bill, by the way.”
“Thanks,” I said, suspicious about the nice words, given our argument. “Even better that he’s going to write an op-ed.”
“Hope it works on Wayne.”
I leaned back more deeply into the pillows and crossed my arms. “Doyou?”
Ben paused what he was doing and grinned at me. “Sure. You can have Wayne. There’s still McBuck left to convince.”
I snorted. “And you’ve got the in with Mendax Oil’s lobbyist. Yeah, yeah. Don’t get cocky.”
Ben arched his eyebrows playfully, but turned back to the drawer. We fell quiet.
In the silence, I thought about how surreal it was that I’d been picturing Ben stretched out on the couch on the other side of the wall, wishing to collapse the distance between us, and now, if I reached out, I could slide my hand under his shirt and touch his waistband.
“No blankets,” he said, pushing the last drawer closed with a thud. “Just a bunch of old clothes. There’s an army dress uniform in there. Did you read anything about Ely being in the army?”
I shook my head. “Senator Wayne was, though. I remember from reading his bio, because I was thinking about ways I could work a military angle into our pitch. You know,” I added, “neither of them ever married.”
Ben and I looked at each other. His face softened. “Ely said he was tired of letting the old ways dictate his life.”
“Yeah.” I looked over his shoulder, head swimming with a mix of tenderness and frustration. “Stupid, backward Texas,” I said finally.
Ben was quiet for a beat. Then I felt the side of the mattress dip and looked over to find him sitting gingerly on the edge of the bed, his back to me. He turned, and I could see his profile in the moonlight. “Sarah was hanging out with her brother Halloween night. The group of guys you saw her with were her brother and his friends, in town from Dallas for the weekend. That’s why she went out in the first place, instead of staying in with me. She wanted to show them a good time.”
Oh. My stomach dropped. I’d been so sure Sarah’s actions were flirtatious...
