“I wanted to tell you right when it happened,” I said. “Isn’t that stupid? We hadn’t talked for years and I knew you hated me and still I wanted to call you.”
“I wish you had. And for the record, I’ve never hated you, exactly.” Ben pressed his chin to my forehead, and I closed my eyes. In that moment, I had the strange feeling that this was what I’d been waiting for, ever since my dad died—waiting to tell Ben, who used to be my best friend, the man who loved and knew me. But that was a crazy thought because I’d had no clue I’d ever see Ben again until a little over a month ago. So how could this have been the thing I’d been waiting for?
I pushed the confusion away and reluctantly pulled back. “I don’t normally like to talk about it. But you asked me at the restaurant what was wrong with me, and I think this is part of it.”
Ben’s eyes were so serious. “I’m glad you trust me enough to tell me. Really. I always felt this distance between us. I was kind of desperate to know you better.” He smiled self-consciously, cheeks pinking. “I mean, I just feel like we’re on the way to being friends now. Which is nice.”
“Yeah, well, lucky you, now you have a friend with raging daddy issues. Every minute I’m not planning my lower-back tattoo is another minute I’m resisting my destiny.”
Ben hiked a leg up on the Prius’s bumper. “In that case, schedule mine, too. I have plenty of daddy issues.”
We stared at each other.
“It doesn’t work for me, does it?” Ben asked.
I shook my head. “Definitely not.”
“What I mean is, I haven’t seen my dad since he left for a work trip when I was in fifth grade. My mom couldn’t even find him to pay child support. Will was five when he left, so he doesn’t even remember him. But I had just enough time. I was so hurt. I felt like he’d abandonedme, specifically. I took turns being more furious that he left me, then Will, then my mom. It was like a little torture rotation over the years.”
I knew the basics of the story, of course, but I’d never heard this much detail. I bumped his arm. “Your dad’s the stupidest person in the world to miss out on you.”
“It was hard for my mom to work and take care of us. So early on, I decided I was going to be a dad to Will, and a better dad than our real dad would’ve been. That way, Will wouldn’t feel the loss.”
Of course. That explained Ben’s extreme pride in everything Will did. It was more than brotherly—it was paternal.
“I think that’s why I had a chip on my shoulder for so long.” Ben gave me a wry smile. “Definitelywhen I met you. I felt like I had something to prove to the world, and especially to my dad, wherever he was. Competing in law school—grades, mock trial, job interviews. Everything was to prove myself. I felt like my whole life was this ongoing conversation I was having with a ghost—making this argument to my dad about why I didn’t deserve to be left.”
“I liked you with a chip on your shoulder,” I admitted. “I loved watching you take everyone down. You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. But your dad’s an idiot.”
“I say all this because I want you to know I’m kind of an expert at broken families. So trust me when I say it’s obvious from everything I remember, and heard, that your dad loved you, and you loved him—fight notwithstanding. And you pretty much have to believe me because I just shared my sob story and it would be rude not to.”
I rolled my eyes, but before I could say anything, Ben slung an arm over my shoulders and tugged me in the direction of the passenger door. “Will you look at us.Twosad saps with daddy issues.”
I wrapped my arm around his waist. “Destined for a life of wet T-shirt contests, tramp stamps and getting boners for older men.”
“It’s a constant struggle.” Ben squeezed me, then opened the passenger door so I could slide in. When he shut it, in the brief time it took him to jog around to the driver’s seat, and it was just me in the car, I realized: I suddenly felt so much less alone.
11
A Commendable Act of Friendship
Macoween was, without a doubt, the single most important holiday of the calendar year. Since Halloween had the amazing good fortune of landing on Mackenzie Portney’s birthday, we’d redubbed it Macoween in college, and it was a blessed day. Not ever for Mac herself, unfortunately; but for the rest of us, it had always been a day of extreme good fortune.
One Macoween past, Annie had won ten thousand dollars in a scratch-off. Another, Simon had proposed to Claire. And every year, without fail, I drank to my heart’s content and woke up the next morning without a hangover. A true Macoween miracle.
This year, as we gathered outside a boxy, modern mansion—its squat, minimalist lines marking it as the likely home of a guy who’d made too much money too young in Austin’s tech industry—it was clear that Mac was determined to finally carve out a little Macoween glory for herself.
“To be honest, I don’t know this guy.” Mac gestured at the mansion with the frank authority of a general addressing her troops. “So I don’t know how fun this party will be. The host is Kelly’s sister’s boyfriend’s cousin.”
Blank stares around the group revealed no one knew who Kelly was. So...probably a work friend from Mac’s mysterious job.
“Therefore, I brought these.” Mac lifted her trays of orange and purple Jell-O shots high. “No matter how lame the party is, these will kick it up a notch.”
Claire snorted. “What’d you put in there, ayahuasca?” Like every previous Macoween, Claire was dressed as Sharon Stone’s character fromBasic Instinct, in a super-sexy white turtleneck dress, white heels and white coat, her blond hair pulled back severely, just like in the interrogation scene. Claire’s philosophy was, no need to mess with a good thing. Also, coming up with costumes was a lot of work.
Standing next to Claire, Simon—who always came out with us on Macoween, since it was the anniversary of his and Claire’s engagement—wore whathealways wore: Michael Douglas’s blue shirt, brown tie and brown sports coat, with a police badge hanging at his hip. None of the details helped, though—it was a running joke every year that no one could ever tell who Simon was unless he was standing next to Claire (and they explained it). Guaranteed, at some point in the night, Simon would repeat his favorite line: he and Claire came as a pair, and he was nothing without her.
“No drugs,” Mac clarified. “But I did put in twice the recommended dose of mescal.” We all straightened to attention. “Listen,” she continued. “I expect maximum fun out of all of you. Remember, this is my birthday, so give it your all. I’m meeting Ted for the first time, and I really want to make a good impression.”
