“If you must know, Chris Tuttle changed his Facebook status toIn a Relationshipwith that woman we saw him with outside the restaurant. Alexis lost her shit. It’s why she’s talking to me again—I think she’s secretly grateful I punched him now. I promised her we’d spend the weekend drinking wine and watching rom-coms.”
Which reminded me that maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing if this scooter turned on and catapulted me into oncoming traffic.
Gathering my dignity, I mounted the scooter. It vibrated under me and I had a moment of blinding panic. But then I saw Ben’s triumphant grin and steeled myself.
“Goodbye, Ben.”
The scooter shot forward.Oh, God.That was precarious. I widened my stance and found equilibrium.
“You’re welcome for Willie Nelson,” he shouted at my slowly retreating back.
It would be classier to ignore him. So I did, straightening my spine and scooting away.
9
Easy Intimacy
“Don’t get me wrong,” I said to Alexis, hanging upside down off my couch so Al Gore could eat my hair. “I love this shit. Just say the wordsJennifer Lopezand I’m salivating. But when do we get to watch a rom-com about a woman with actual character flaws?”
Alexis, who was slumped on the chaise part of my sectional, leaned forward to suck on the straw she’d shoved into a wine bottle, which she cradled against her chest. “What do you mean? They’re all workaholics. And the Runaway Bride’s a commitmentphobe.”
Al happily chewed my split ends. “Those are not problems. I want the woman who stole money from her dead grandma, or did something unforgivable to her childhood best friend, or, like, screwed over everyone who trusted her to get a promotion at work. Serious emotional issues. I want to watchthosewomen find love.”
Alexis hit the end of her wine. Her straw made those air-sucking noises. “Well, you’re the only one. No one wants to watch people they don’t like fall in love.”
I tugged my hair out of Al’s mouth and sat upright on the couch, blaming the tiny flare of pain on the head rush. “Well,Ido.”
“Ugh,” Alexis said, dropping her empty bottle onto the coffee table. “We’re out of rosé.”
“I’ve got something better.” I opened the drawer on my side table and pulled out my blunt box. Then I crawled across the couch to Alexis and opened the lid so she could see the beautiful joints lined up inside. She reached a hand in and I snapped the lid at her.
“Eeee!” she squealed. “YouPretty Woman-ed me.”
“You don’t get one until you repeat after me—Chris Tuttle has a lackluster micropenis and I’m thrilled he showed his true colors before I spent all my savings on a bust wedding.”
Alexis flopped back on the couch and pressed her face into a pillow. “I can’t believe he did this to me. I thought we were perfect.”
“Well, believe it, because it’s Facebook official.” I took out the biggest joint and stuck it in my mouth, lighting the tip with a Bic. I sucked in and blew out slowly, letting the warm, herbal smoke fill my lungs. “You’re better off without him. Here’s my advice. Stop trying to make a relationship happen. They’re doomed. Date multiple men at all times and never get emotionally attached. Guard your heart.”
Alexis held out her hand for the joint and I passed it to her. “That sounds terrible. And you’re totally projecting.”
“You’re not allowed to hang out with Annie anymore.”
She sucked in a deep breath and blew out a perfect O, like I’d taught her when we were teenagers. “Don’t freak out when I say this, but...you know Dad was human, right? As in fallible? Just because Mom and Dad’s relationship failed doesn’t mean every relationship is doomed.”
I would be lying if I said Alexis’s words opened an old wound, because that wound was still fresh as hell. Our different opinion on the matter of Dad was the reason things hadn’t been normal between us for years. The tension always sat in the back of my mind, even when I tried to make it go away.
I stole the joint back. “I don’t want to get in an argument, so let’s drop it.”
Alexis sat up, resting her head in her hand. “We have to talk about it sometime. Annie thinks you’ve never really processed what happened and it’s keeping you in arrested development. You and I were in different places with Dad. I’d understand if you had complicated feelings...if you feel regret...”
I heard Ben’s voice:What’s wrong with you?... I’m talking about the thing underneath.
I shook my head. “I told you once, and I’ll tell you again, I don’t regret anything that happened between me and Dad.”
Regret was not an option.
Alexis sighed. I could feel her looking at me, studying my profile. I kept my eyes trained ahead, sucking on the joint, letting the haze creep into me and mellow things out. On-screen, Kate Hudson snapped her fingers and a band of minions followed her.
