Ben pulled me past Sarah. “I beg you, please settle the bill and I will make sure Lee pays us back.”
She nodded reflexively, still in shock. “Sorry about your boss,” I called, but by then, Ben was pulling me around the street corner and I wasn’t sure she heard.
As soon as we were out of sight, alone in the little alley next to Bitter Honey, Ben released me. I wasn’t expecting it and fell back against the restaurant’s brick wall.
“What’s wrong with you?” Ben was only half facing me, and his voice was quiet, not loud like I would’ve thought. His black hair shone in the amber streetlight. “You’ve gone off the deep end.”
I straightened and squared my shoulders. “Chris hurt Alexis. That’s what’s wrong.”
He turned, and the look on his face was serious enough that my throat went dry. “No, it’s not. I’m talking about the bigger thing. The thing underneath. There was always something going on with you that you wouldn’t talk about when we dated. Now you’re hauling off and punching people? Clearly, whatever it is, it’s only gotten worse.”
There was a flash of pain as I thought of my parents, the way my dad betrayed us and everything that had happened since. “There’s nothing wrong with me,” I gritted out.
“If you were just consistent, I could predict it. But one minute you’re disavowing monogamy, and the next you’re punching Chris in the face for cheating on your sister. You act like everything’s a joke and nothing matters, then you criticize Sarah for doing the wrong thing. I don’t understand you.”
Even though Ben wasn’t yelling, my heart was pounding in my chest. I needed the focus off me. I needed to pivot. “What about you? You used to have integrity. You never used to be a shill, and now you’re working for a Republican.”
He laughed in disbelief. “You workwithus.”
“Because there’s no other choice.”
“I told you, working for Grover is the best way to change Texas.”
“What about the fact that you’re dating someone who’s doing something you don’t believe in? You used to care about what was right. Remember mock trials? You never let anyone get away with anything.”
“Mock trials were a game. All I cared about was winning, and proving myself to all those stuck-up, silver-spoon people.”
“So that’s it—you’re indifferent? Where’s your passion?”
“I have lots of passion. But I’m also a grown-up. I make compromises because I live in a world where people disagree and I want to get things done. I don’t want to just tread water in an ocean of idealism. Even if it comes with a lovely sense of superiority to keep me afloat.”
“You’re a sellout.”
“Grow up, Lee. And I say this as a friend—figure out your shit.”
“My shit,” I blurted, “is that all my life, I’ve been faced with a parade of men I’ve been expected to bend over backward for, chase and idolize. If I want something, I have to put on a show, or compromise, or trick them into it. Governor Mane, all the state senators, every guy I’ve ever dated. My dad. Whether it’s a bill or a relationship, you’re all the same. So forgive me if I’m sick of playing nice with assholes.” My chest heaved. I didn’t know where this was coming from.
Ben stepped closer, eyes searching my face. I could see his Adam’s apple rise and fall in the column of his throat, and when he spoke, his voice was rough. “I don’t want you to feel that way about me.”
Well, he was right about one thing. I was all over the map. Because, like a flipped switch, my anger dissolved and suddenly all I wanted was to be held.
Wordlessly, Ben opened his arms and I stepped into them. He hugged me tight, one hand fitting into the space between my shoulder blades and the other cupping the back of my head.
“Just a pity hug,” he murmured into my hair. “Don’t get any ideas.”
“Shut up.” Hugging Ben was somehow better than I remembered. He held me close, like he really meant it.
I pressed my face into the crook of his neck. He smelled like a cologne that was new to me, and a little bit like whiskey. I stayed there until finally he drew back and looked down at me.
“Sarah’s waiting, so I need to go. Are you and Lex okay to Uber home?”
I looked into his eyes for a heart-pounding moment before I realized that wasn’t a good idea. I lowered my eyes to the inches of collarbone that were visible under his shirt collar, then thought better of it and looked at the street. “Of course. If she hasn’t left already.”
He stepped away. Obviously, to go back to Sarah. Beautiful, grown-up Sarah, whom he lived with, who’d inspired him to move back to Texas. Who probably hadn’t punched anybody in her life.
Maybe I couldn’t exactly explain why I did the things I did. But as I watched Ben stride out of the alley, I knew I didn’t regret them. Not any of it. Not ever.
Because if I let in one sliver of doubt, I would be forced to examine all the choices I’d made. And there was a very real chance that if I did that, my life would come tumbling down.
