“Not yet.” She sighed. “We never did have that talk.”
“About us?” Aevrin asked hopefully. He had just resigned himself to not bringing it up. He couldn’t help it, his heart beat faster.
“Yeah.”
“I like you, Cassia. More than I know what to do with.”
“Yeah,” she said, her voice sounding a little distant. “I… guess I like you too.”
She didn’t sound convinced. He swallowed down the bitter wave of disappointment that threatened to drown him. At least that was better than ‘I don’t.’
“...You know, I meant it. When I said you have a place here, a safe place, even if you don’t want to be with me,” he informed her reluctantly. The words were important, but they felt like weights on his shoulders. He didn’twantto give her an out; he wanted to double down, to find a way to get her to say she was as attracted to him as he was to her. But maybe she just didn’t feel it back.
Yet, he told himself desperately. Didn’t feel it backyet.
“I know. I’m being honest. I do care for you,” Cassia informed him.
“Well, good,” Aevrin said. Unable to resist any longer, he finally snaked an arm around her shoulder and sidestepped closer to her. Her shoulder nestled into his pecs. “That’s…. Damn good, Cassia.”
He ought to feel giddy. Why did he still feel unhappy? It felt like she was holding something back. Like he was all the way in, and she was just willing to dip a toe.
“Yesterday wasn’t so good, though,” Cassia added quietly.
He squinted at the shadow of the tree, trying to reconcile Cassia’s words with what had by far been the most pleasurable experience of his life. And she’dsoundedlike he’d pleased her. Saints, had she been acting? Aevrin wondered briefly if it was possible to die of embarrassment. Obviously it wasn’t, because he was still drawing breath. He cleared his throat.
“Well. That’s, uh. Sorry it… wasn’t good for you. I’ll get better.”
She bumped her hip against his playfully.
“Not what I meant,” Cassia told him. “Itfeltplenty good. I mean,reallygood. I shouldhopeyou know that, Aevrin Riveker. But getting carried away like that, without even using a sheath…”
“Oh.” He nodded quickly. He almost couldn’t bring himself to care. He was having emotional whiplash, but hell, he’d feltreally goodto the girl of his dreams. He grinned despite himself. “Right. So are you, uh, taking anything, or…”
“Where would I have gotten medicine from? I only lost all of my things,” Cassia reminded him. “No. I’m not. And I don’t think I got pregnant, but…”
“You know I’ll support you if you are,” he said quickly. “Whatever you wanna do. Whatever choice. We can get married if you want. I won’t leave you stranded.”
Was it his imagination, or did Cassia flinch at the word ‘married?’ He frowned. When he’d first envisioned having this conversation with her after their love making, he’d imagined it happening with them tangled up and him whispering sweet nothings. Not this litany of awkward moments.
Was she trying to turn him off for some reason? This odd lecture on safety sounded like one big excuse to shove him away.
“Thank you, I suppose?” Cassia said. “I appreciate you would, Aevrin, really, I do, but that’s not a position either of us should be in when we just talked about liking each other at all in the first place.”
“...Yeah,” he agreed, not sure what else he could say. “Shit. I’m real sorry, Cassia. That was irresponsible of me.”
“No, it was irresponsible ofus,” she lectured. “I have a mouth, and I didn’t use it. Webothgot carried away in the moment. I couldn’t think straight at all. And I’m sorry to be killing the moment right now, Aevrin. But I think it needed to be said. Because when Idobecome pregnant, I hope it’s not going to be a situation that somebody needs to fix.”
“Shit,” he muttered, and ran a hand over his hair with a wince. She was right, of course. It did need to be said. He might want children, and he might want Cassia, but she was right: this wasn’t the way to go about it. He felt like a fool twice over. “So when will you know for sure?”
“A few days.”
“Okay. You’re right, Cassia. And maybe it was both of us, but Iamreal sorry for my part. I’ll, uh… start carrying a sheathe. In case we ever find ourselves getting carried away again.” Unless the point of this whole talk was to keep him off her. It probably was, he thought mournfully. He probably hadn’t been good enough at it after all.
“Good. You do that.”
“So where does this leave us?” he asked.
She was quiet for a moment. He filled his lungs with crisp air and looked up at the stars, trying to keep his heart from racing. Cassia would answer when she was ready. And he’d live with whatever she said.
