“I was so helpless in that…fuckingroom,” I grit through a clenched jaw, rolling my helmet back and forth against his back as images flash through my mind. “So many times I thought I’d died in there, and it got to the point of being unable to differentiate dreams from reality. Every moment of my existence was a waking nightmare.” My skin pebbles with goosebumps, and I clench one hand around the other wrist, fighting off the phantom pain of the restraints.
Creed remains silent, but I know he’s listening and giving me an outlet to speak freely.
Stroking my thumbs against his abdomen where I’m gripping him tight, I swallow thickly and press on. “My hands went completely numb around day eight, I think. I tried—” I choke, holding back the tears. “Every day I tried so hard to free myself to get to her, Creed. I fucking swear. I fought every day…but it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t strong enough.”
“Ri…”
“My mother eventually found her way into my mind again,” I confess, and Creed tenses. It’s no secret he fucking hates my mother, especially after my run-in with her weeks ago, and I don’t blame him. “With every failure came her reminders of just how toxic I am. Howweak. And I believed her. Because if I had been stronger, if I hadn’t frozen up and fought the man who had Collins thrown over his shoulder…maybe I could’ve saved us. Savedherfrom all the pain and hurt she was forced to endure.
“Seeing Collins like that tonight, I felt so goddamned useless because in my mind, I was thrown right back in that fucking room, restrained. Tied down. None of it made sense.” A shuddering breath forces its way from my lungs right when Creed pulls off the road, and I realize we’ve stopped at a cliffside that overlooks a nearby city. He powers the bike down and just sits there for a moment before I pat his side and swing my leg over to climb off.
The moment my helmet is pulled free, I gulp down air like I’ve been deprived of it.
Creed does the same, but he remains by his bike, his body leaning against the side as he patiently waits for my second breakdown of the night.
“None of it made sense,” I repeat once more, gripping the hair at the back of my neck. I look away, not wanting him to see the shame in my gaze. “Because I was here, with you and her.” I jab a finger against my temple. “I knew we were in our home and I knew she was in our bathroom, but mentally, I was back there.”
A rogue tear tracks down my cheek and gets lost at the corner of my lip as I close my eyes. “It was the cuts. The blood. Creed, he hurt her, and I was forced to watch her bleed. Every cut took a piece of me. Every slice against her skin was another failure. And tonight…that helplessness took root before I could stop it, and I tried… Itriedto bury it because you needed me.Sheneeded me to help her.”
I spin to face a quiet Creed and throw my arms out wide, facing my fate. My defeat. “But I couldn’t. And apparently that’s all I’ll ever be.” More tears. “A coward who freezes when it counts.”
He must have reached his limit because Creed pushes off his bike and strides towards me, his steps steady and determined. He reaches me before I can blink and grabs me by my shirt,hauling me so close that our noses brush. He looks pissed, but there’s a pain that lies in tandem with it, too.
“Don’t you fucking dare, Riley,” he growls, and his words send a shiver up my spine. “You don’t get to berate and verbally abuse yourself for something that was out of your control. What happened to you two was fucking traumatizing for all of us. We all fought our battles, and guess what? The fight is not over.” He sucks in a deep breath and releases me before shouting with his arms splayed wide. “I’m still fucking fighting, Riley! It’s a goddamned uphill battle that won’t be won for a long time, baby. But you know what? I’m still here! I don’t get to fucking quit, and neither do you.”
He steps into me again, then wraps both hands around the back of my neck, gripping the short hairs at the base of my skull. He pulls until his forehead presses against mine. Sucking in a deep breath, he calms himself and continues. “Shit won’t always look perfect for us. One or more of us are going to have moments more severe than others, and we’ll handle them the best we can. Collins had a violent dissociative episode, yes. Did she need us? Yes. But she wasn’t the only one affected by Guy. Was she?”
Reluctantly, I shake my head, and Creed pulls away just enough to look me in the eye as his hands travel from my chest to my waist, and he holds me there. My hands instinctively mirror his, gripping the sides of his torso.
“I know we have a long road ahead of us. We’ll have fucking badass amazing days, and we’ll have days that the devil himself could classify as a shit day. Don’t letthosedays win. If it starts to feel heavy? Come to me. Okay?”
I nod, my throat too tight to form words.
“Because as much as I need her, I needyou, too, Sweet Boy.”
I don’t get a chance to respond before he presses his lips to mine, hard and fast. My hands fly to the collar of his shirt, and I grip the fabric like it’s my lifeline. Because he is my lifeline.From the moment he found me in that parking lot, from what seems like a lifetime ago, he’s taken care of me. He’s shown me love. Family. Freedom. He built me up and showed me my worth, despite my failure to believe I’m as important as he believes me to be.
My lips part, seeking more.Needingmore.
“I need you, Creed,” I breathe against his lips before kissing him again, pulling him impossibly closer against me. “Be my constant.”
I’m not sure if it’s a plea or a demand, but I’ve never meant anything more. Creed has shown me time and time again that I can lean on him. That I can trust him with my mind, my body, and my heart. I love Collins more than I could’ve ever imagined, but she doesn’t need the burden of my demons. Not right now, at least. Creed gives me the safety I need to talk and feel safe when expressing my feelings. He lends me the confidence to feel like maybe Icanstay. That with him, I will be enough. For him. For Collins.
He breaks the kiss, only to pepper more all over my face before leaving a trail down the column of my neck and back up to the shell of my ear before he whispers, “Then, now, and always, Ri.”
Chapter 42
Riley
“STAYING—EVEN WHEN LIFE HURTS.”
ONE WEEK LATER
“Can I join you?”
My head whips up at the sound of Collins’ soft voice. I snap my journal closed and set it aside. “You never have to ask, Snow.”
“I know, but—” She looks down and shrugs, leaning against my doorframe and picking at a frayed thread at the hem of the dress she’s wearing. Her newly pink pastel strands have been pulled up into a high ponytail with baby hairs falling loosely to frame her face.
