“I heard,” I whispered.
“How?”
“Ryan by way of Maya.And I may have looked at the Catapult data.”
“Those two are the best gossip machine on campus, I swear.”
“You might be surprised,” I said with a roll of my eyes, but I doubted he could see it in the dark.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, let’s just say it’s been brought to my attention that people have been placing bets on our relationship.”
“What?”Luke stood there not saying anything for a minute.“Ohh, Coach made an offhanded comment about my ‘boyfriend.’I just thought it was a slip of the tongue.”We stood in silence, as the air whipped around us.
“So, you turned down Minnesota,” I said, testing the weight of the sentence.“You risked your career.”
“I postponed it.If they want me next year, they can call me.Me.Not Rick Carter’s son.”He swallowed hard.“But I can’t do next year without you.I can’t dotomorrowwithout you.”
“I’m not a variable you can plug back in, Luke,” I said, my voice trembling.“You erased me.In that lobby, you looked right at me and you erased me.”
“I know,” he whispered.“I know I did.”
“Why?”I demanded.“Why was it so easy?”
“It wasn’t easy,” he said, his voice breaking.“It was reflex.It was twenty years of conditioning.My dad… he doesn’t get angry, Austen.He dismisses.He liquidates.If you aren’t useful to the goal, you don’t exist.”
He tightened his grip on my coat, pulling me a fraction of an inch closer.
“When he saw you… when he looked at you like you were nothing… I froze.I thought if I claimed you, he’d destroy you.He’d find a way to hurt your scholarship, or your placement, or make you feel small.And I couldn’t watch that.So, I hid you.”
“You didn’t hide me to protect me,” I said, tears spilling over, hot against the icy wind.“You hid me to protect yourself.To protect the approval.”
Luke flinched.He looked down, then back up, his eyes wet.
“You’re right,” he admitted.“I wanted him to look at me and see a winner.Once.I wanted to be the son he bragged about.”
He took a ragged breath.
“But I got it.Tonight.I was standing there getting ready to sign my life away and I felt… nothing.I realized his pride weighs nothing.It’s hollow.But when you look at me?When you tell me I made a good save?That has weight.”
He stepped closer, pressing his forehead against mine.His skin was freezing, but his breath was hot.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.“I am so sorry I was a coward.I am sorry I made you feel like a secret.You aren’t a secret, Austen.You’re the headline.”He turned and yelled, “Austen Lovell, I love you!”The echoes reverberated out across the frozen creek.
I closed my eyes.The cold wind bit at my cheeks, but the heat from his hands was grounding.
Constants aren’t found, Maya had said.They’re named.
He had named it.He had chosen it over the biggest variable in his life.
“You shouted?”I asked softly.
“I shouted.”A ghost of a smile touched his lips
I let the words settle.“Your dad’s going to make your life difficult.”
“He’s been making my life difficult since I was six.”Luke’s voice was steady now, certain.“At least this time it’s for something I chose.He promised to cut me off, but I don’t care.I’d rather work three jobs and go to college without hockey if it means I get to stay here with you.”
