“Are you going to come in?” Her voice was still hoarse from earlier.
“Not right now. I’ll be back, I just want to clean up.”
She shook her head. “Please don’t. I can do that.”
I sat on my haunches so I was eye level with her. “We both made the mess. I want to do this for you. Let me take care of it.”
She closed her eyes and nodded. “Okay.”
I stepped out of the bathroom, shutting the door quietly behind me, and closed my eyes for a moment. Everything felt heavy. Life was hard—always had been. The weight of my past, the pressure of trying to hold it all together, it never really let up. But taking care of Charlie? That was different. It wasn’t complicated or forced. It just made sense, like it was the one thing in my life that came easy. In a world where everything else felt like a fight, being there for her was natural.
I moved quickly, heading back to the bed and grabbing the pillow she’d soaked earlier. I put the chair back first before pulling off the comforter. I set it aside and then stripped the rest of the sheets, gathering them into a bundle. I carried the pile to the laundry room just down the hall, tossing everything into the washer with care before adding detergent and setting it to a gentle cycle.
After starting the machine, I opened the hall closet, scanning the neatly folded linens until I found a set of light pink sheets. They matched the color of her room, so I figured they were the best bet. I grabbed the set and carried them back, taking my time as I made the bed. I stretched the fitted sheet snug over the mattress, then I draped the top sheet, tucking it carefully along the sides before slipping the pillows into fresh cases. When I finished, I stepped back and gave the room a final once-over, making sure everything was just right.
I made my way back to the bathroom, where Charlie had her head resting against the edge of the tub. Her heart-shaped lips were plump and slightly parted, her eyes closed as if she was savoring the warmth of the bath. The moment she heard me, she turned her head slightly, and those bourbon-colored irises flicked open, locking onto mine with a lazy, inviting gaze.
She lifted a hand from the water, droplets sliding down her arm as she gestured to the open spot in the tub across from her. A sly smile tugged at her lips. “You better get in. Otherwise, you’re going to stink up the house,” she said teasingly.
I chuckled, giving her a playful nod. “Yes, ma’am.”
Sliding into the warm bath across from her, I settled in, letting the heat soak into my muscles. She sat up a bit straighter as I stretched my legs out, tucking them behind her so she was nestled between my knees, comfortably cradled.
She leaned forward, reaching out, and I took her hand, lacing our fingers together in the warm water.
Her eyes softened as they met mine, her voice barely above a whisper. “Are you okay?”
Are you okay?It was such a loaded question. For so long, I wasn’t. I had spent years getting high, drinking until there was nothing left but darkness behind my eyes. I couldn’t see a way out, didn’t even know if a life outside that void could exist.
“I was supposed to be in rehab for six months,” I said quietly. “But I stayed a year. Do you want to know why?”
She nodded, her fingers tightening around mine. “Of course.”
“I was numb inside. About halfway through, I tried to overdose on the pills they gave me.” The words came out heavy, and I watched her face carefully, waiting for her reaction. “I wasn’t ready to believe I could survive outside the darkness. I thought I’d never feel anything again.”
“Oh, Austin,” she whimpered. “I-I’m so sorry.”
I shook my head. “That was my problem, Char. I was sorry for myself for so long. I was reckless. I was so numb and kept trying to find ways to keep that numbness from spreading like an infection in my body.” I closed my eyes and let the warm water soak into my skin. “This was the second time I went to rehab. The first time was for Nova. I thought if I could fix myself, I could fix us. When she found me high and drunk on the day of her mom’s funeral and walked out, I realized something. I didn’t want to get better for her—I needed to do it for me. I wanted to feel the pain for the first time in my life. I wanted to do the work to get better.”
I exhaled slowly. “But I quickly realized... it was harder than I thought it would be. I thought wanting it would be enough, but facing everything sober was brutal. No numbing, no escape—just me and every bad decision I’d ever made, staring me in the face every damn day. One night, it felt like too much, and I tried to end it with an OD. Not because I didn’t want to get better anymore, but because I couldn’t see how I’d survive the process.”
I opened my eyes, hesitating as I glanced at Charlie. I owed her this conversation, even if it risked ruining whatever we were building. She deserved the truth, so she could decide if this was something she wanted to hold onto—or let go of.
“I honestly didn’t think I’d survive,” I admitted, my voice cracking. “When I woke up in the hospital, alone, it hit me hard. No one was looking out for me, exceptme. My mom and Ledger never knew—I refused to let the program call them. I didn’t want their pity. I just knew I couldn’t stay at rock bottom. For the first time, I realized there was still good in this world I hadn’t experienced, and I wanted to live for that.”
Tears streamed down my cheeks, but I kept going, knowing if I stopped now, I might never finish. “I loved Nova, and I won’t tell you I regret that chapter of my life. But that love—it was toxic, painful, all-consuming. It burned everything in its path, including me. When I woke up after nearly dying, something shifted. I realized I didn’t just want to survive—I wanted something deeper, something lasting. The kind of connection where you can sit down with your grandkids one day and say, ‘We’ve been through it all, sixty years of highs and lows, and every moment was worth it.’
“I wanted to fall for someone, not in a way that fixed me, but in a way that they saw me—the good, the bad, the broken pieces—and chose to stay anyway. I wanted to feel it all: the dizzying highs, the euphoria, even the heartbreak that comes with truly living and loving. I wanted to embrace every raw emotion without needing to numb the pain. I’ve seen how far I can fall, and I know now that I’ll never let myself go back to that dark place again.”
I reached out, my hands finding her waist, and pulled her closer. She slid into me without hesitation. My mouth hovered over hers, our breaths mingling. “I told you I didn’t want to complicate things between us,” I murmured. “But maybe I do.Maybe I want the mess, the rawness, because with you, it’s different. You make me feel safe. Steady. Warm. You see me, and you don’t look away. I’ve never had that before. I want to lay myself bare with you.”
I searched her eyes, bracing myself for any sign she might pull away, but instead, she traced a soft circle on my lower back.
“So, are we saying fuck it to our rule about not dating each other?”
A small, tentative smile tugged at my lips. “If you’re up for it.”
She gave a little shrug, her tone light but her gaze steady. “We’ve got to keep up the whole married act for the insurance anyway. Might as well actually get the perks of being married.”
