I feel like I’m already overthinking a relationship that hasn’t even started, and that can’t be a good sign. Halfway through the main course, my appetite is nonexistent, and a queasy knot sitsin my stomach. Jaci’s voice drifts on about her horses, a never-ending stream of chatter that I’m struggling to engage with. I nod here and there, mumbling responses to seem polite, but my attention keeps slipping.
I can’t help glancing over at Alex and Logan. They’re relaxed, laughing as they dig into their meals, like the world outside their table doesn’t exist. It’s easy for them—effortless in a way this night is not. And for reasons I can’t quite admit, that only makes this all feel worse.
If I’m honest, a pang of jealousy twists in my chest, though I can’t quite pin down why. Is it because their date seems so smooth, so natural, while mine feels like an uphill battle? Or is it something else entirely—something harder to admit?
Am I jealous of Logan?
The idea feels absurd.
It has to be, right?
I shove the last piece of potato on my plate into my mouth and eat it slowly, hoping that somehow it will make me feel full, even though eating five pieces of potato can in no way fill a man.
“So, in essence, I’m kinda famous too. All the breeders know me in the industry, and the jockeys rely on me heavily for inside info. We’re not entirely that dissimilar,” Jaci says.
“Are you saying that because you know famous jockeys, that makes you famous?” I ask, and she nods her head, smiling widely.
“Ah-ha, sure, famous by association. That’s a thing, right?” Jaci takes a sip of her champagne, and I sigh, sinking further into my chair.
Yeah, there’s no point in holding out hope here.
Jaci’s a goner.
My fame has completely gone to her head.
This was over the minute she saw me.
Fuck!
“Right, yeah,” I say, trying to appease her.
“Matt, I have to be honest, you don’t seem very present here tonight,” she says, looking at me and furrowing her brows.
I exhale and rub my forehead, feeling a bit like a douche for not giving her my full attention. This is probably the last time I will see Jaci, and the least I can do is show her a good time. Leave her with an impression of me and give her the respect she deserves.
“Sorry, I am a little distracted. Things with the band are hectic at the moment, and my brother is going through something, too.”
Her eyes light up as I speak, and it’s then that I know I should probably talk about the band a little to make her feel special before I break her dreams of becoming the next ‘Recoil girl.’ And I do just that, looking into her eyes and discussing the guys. What’s happening in their lives, without giving too many details in case she runs to the press.
You can’t be too careful.
Tillie has drilled that into us.
I tell her what it was like working with Zaria. How she was amazing, and how the music video was so much fun to make. I continue with as much as I can, without actually telling her anything. Well, anything she can’t find on the internet.
Just to make her feel special, I go on about how I live with Nate and how we share a house together. How we grew up, and what our lives were like. I don’t tell her about how Mom passed, just that she did, and she was sad and supportive. After about an hour, Jaci seems completely awe-inspired as she looks up at me in a dazed stupor. Her elbows are on the table, and her chin is in her hands as she stares at me, batting her eyelashes.
It’s nice that she loves who I am, but to be honest, I could never trust that she would love me… for me.
This will never work.
As I continue to talk, I can’t help but glance past her to look at Alex and Logan, who are deep in their own conversation.
They’re close together, and my stomach sinks while I watch them.
All I know is that Logan isnotthe right guy for her. She’s worth way more than a guy who turns up late and doesn’t shower her with attention and affection. I know I should focus on myself and my date, but I realize this isn’t going anywhere, and now I want Alex to make good choices. Choices that don’t involve picking the wrong damn man.
I raise my brow, wondering why I’m being so protective of Alex. I really don’t know her that well. We’re friends, sure. We’ve spent a bit of time together, absolutely. But all in all, I owe her nothing. We’re just doing this little internet dating thing together.
