Fuck!The most outrageous thing I’ve ever done was hire a Fung Shui guru off Craigslist. And I only did that to benefit Nate, not me.
When have I ever done anything crazy to benefit me?
The only other crazy thing I’ve done, obviously, is internet dating, and well, we all know how that’s going.
I can’t win.
I’mthe problem.
Alex is amazing.
There’s nothing wrong with her.
Absolutely nothing.
I hope she knows that. If there is one thing I don’t want in all of this is for her confidence to take a hit because of me.
Shaking my head as I slide into my car, I turn to look back at the gallery. I wonder if I should waltz back in there and try to make it right. But what good would it do right now? Alex is fuming, and I know I need to give her some space.
Slamming the door, I decide to make my way to the one place where I can let all my emotions out without anyone caring.
Chapter Twenty-Six
MATT
The office is quiet. Danger obviously isn’t here—he’s off on his honeymoon with Lunar. Nate’s at the gallery, and I have no idea where Ryan is. But Oliver is in the boardroom, and he nods at me as I pass down the hall. Tillie’s in her office as I make my way past, her head down studying her MacBook, and she’s typing furiously as she stares at the screen, lost in marketing, I’m sure.
The lights are all off, and as I walk into the studio, I see my bass sitting in its usual spot on the amp. I take a deep breath, feeling a little calmer for just being near it. Music soothes me at all times, but especially when I’m feeling on edge. Disagreements are never something I like, and when I have them with people I care about, it is ten times worse.
Flicking on the main light, the room brightens with a warm ambiance. I love this place. It was my home away from home until Alex. The guys and I have spent so much time here together, but I’ve spent equally as much time here alone, just playing and working on tracks without them. It’s where I come to think and just be. Although I’ve been here a lot less because I found the same calm place in Alex that I had here, but now she’s gone.
Sighing, I move over to the mixing board and open the screen, looking for a song to jam along to. Ryan has obviously been in here because the last tracks on the list are from Luminous, and he always likes their stuff. I often wonder how the girls are doing back in Australia. I make a mental note to check in on them from time to time.
As I continue to scroll, the moment it pops up, I know instantly that it’s exactly what I need right now. I hit sync to load it into the system, then take the remote over to my bass.
I throw the strap over my shoulder, switch the amp on, knowing all the settings are in the right positions, and take a seat on top of the amp. Taking a deep breath, I strum through the four strings, feeling the deep bass tones echo through the room. The vibrations from the amp run up through my thighs and into my ass, making me smile even if it is weakly, while an immediate sense of peace washes over me.
A moment of calm in an otherwise chaotic day.
I pick up the remote and hit play. The soft, familiar intro of “Rewrite the Stars” by James Arthur fills the room, the melody wrapping around me like a warm embrace. But as the first verse begins, an image of Alex singing by the fire pit flashes in my mind. My stomach tightens, a subtle ache I can’t ignore.
Settling my fingers on the strings, I let them find their rhythm, aligning with the song’s cadence. James and Anne Marie’s voices are flawless, as they pour through the speakers, but it’s Alex’s version I hear in my head—the rawness, the sincerity. I strum along, the chords resonating under my fingertips, and suddenly, a song that once held no significance is weaving its way into my heart, becoming a favorite for reasons I can’t quite explain.
As I play, the lyrics sink in, their meaning whispering truths I hadn’t stopped to consider. I don’t sing along. Instead, I let the lyrics wash over me, the strumming of my guitar echoing softly in the space. The warmth of the room’s light casts a golden hue, and the vibrations of the strings hum through me, grounding me in the moment yet pulling me deeper into thoughts of Alex.
Music floods the room, filling the space with the vibrant energy that I love. It’s like a beautiful epiphany. This song could be about Alex and me in another time and place. It’spassionate and melodic, and even though my mood is somber and reflective, I still get a thrill from the sound. Like every time I play my bass. But it could also be from the living color memory of Alex and the fire pit.
Mixing the two could be a toxic combination for me.
Is it possible that even though I only just saw her, I miss her?
I feel like I’m mourning her. Knowing that I could possibly never see her again makes me feel anxious, and as I play my bass, my chest squeezes, and my jaw clenches. The song plays out in its entirety, and I squeeze my eyes before the wall breaks and the tears fall.
I’m stronger than that.
I need to hold it together, but I feel like I’m losing.
I know I’ve fucked everything up.
