My body slumps, and I run my fingers through my hair, feeling like an ass for this.
“No, honestly… I don’t know what happened. We had a great time, and then he got…weird. I think maybe he was using me like I was a trophy of some sort. You know, get the girl, then ditch her. Maybe that was his plan all along… make me start to fall for him, then hurt me, so I’ll leave. Maybe he never liked me at all.”
I shake my head, gritting my teeth so hard they squeal from the force. My temples throb from clenching my jaw shut so tightly.
“If that’s what he’s doing, then he’s a bigger douche than I thought. You’re a great catch, Tillie. If he can’t see that, it’s his loss. But by the same token, you two have to work together, and if this is going to disrupt the flow, we might have an issue.”
“I know. I love working with Recoil and you. This is the best job I’ve ever had, and to be honest, it’s not even like a job to me. I love it so much. But if push came to shove and I needed to, Iwould leave for the sake of the band. They’re what’s important, after all.”
“Thanks, Tillie. I know this sucks, and hopefully, it will never have to come to that. Let’s just see where Ryan’s head is at in the next couple of days and reassess.”
“O-okay…” Her voice is broken as if she’s lost all the fight in her.
I hate that I’ve done that to Tillie.
All because I’m lost in my own mind.
I need to sort my shit out.
Because hurting Tillie is not something I want to do.
“Right, back to work. Chin up and try not to let this get you down.”
“Yes, boss.”
I hear the chairs rolling on the floor, so I step back from the door to the other side of the hall and stand there. I’m not sure what I’m going to say or do when they open the door, but I need to do something.
The door creaks open, and Tillie steps out. She looks up and stops dead, causing Oliver to run right into her back.
“Tillie, what the—?” He looks around her to me, then steps to the side. “I’ll be in my office if you need me.”
“Thanks, Oliver.”
I step forward, reaching out for her, but she pulls back and looks away from me. A deep pain stabs in my chest. “Tillie, I’m sorry.”
She looks up at me and frowns. “For what?”
“For being a fucker. For blurting out that we slept together. For this morning. I was…” I scrape my hand through my hair. “Fuck! I was a dick. I’m lost in my own head worrying about things that shouldn’t matter, that probably don’t matter, and I’m taking it out on you.”
She purses her lips. “What things?”
Swallowing hard, I’m not ready to tell her about Katie. “It doesn’t matter, but what does matter is us. Our connection is real. It’s intense, it’s scary, and I’m not sure how to deal with it. It’s new to me, Tillie…” I take a deep, centering breath. “I’m scared to let you in.”
She furrows her brows, stepping closer. “You can’t be with someone completely until you let them in, Ryan.”
Sighing, I nod. “I know, I’m working on it. Trust me.”
“Why did you leave?”
Slumping, I grab her hands and hold them tight, looking straight into her eyes. “I got scared.”
“Of what?”
“Falling for you.”
“Would that be so bad?”
“I don’t think so. I think it could be terrific. I just… it’s hard, this whole relationship thing. I haven’t done it for such a long time. I think I’ve forgotten how it works.”
