We eat dinner at the diner and walk back to the motel. Holden is fairly quiet but he seems alright.
“Which side do you want?” He gestures toward the bed.
“I don’t mind, the left I guess.”
“Okay.” He turns his back to me and strips off his pants, sweater, and shirt and climbs into bed, turning the light off on his side.
I take off my pants and T-shirt and get in on the other side. I turn my light off, plunging the room into darkness and silence.
I lie there for a while, tired but not sleepy, and I can tell Holden’s not asleep either. Somehow in the darkness it feels easier to utterthings that are difficult by day. This feels like a good time to apologize again.
“Holden?”
“Yeah?”
“I want to say I’m sorry again and explain what happened back when we were in high school.”
He sighs deeply, effectively cutting me off.
“I’ve had a really shitty day. I spent hours driving to find out something I’ve been looking forward to isn’t going to work, and now I have to start over again. So it’s been a wasted trip, one I’ve dragged you along for. My car’s broken down and now I’m stuck here until it’s fixed. One day I do want to talk about it, but not today. So stop making it about you.”
He turns on his side, presenting me with his back. Conversation over.
He’s right of course, and I’m angry with myself for not realizing that. There’s no way I’m going to sleep, so I rise and pull my pants and T-shirt back on. I need some air. I leave the room, walking in some random direction, and as I walk, I think through what’s happened, and he’s right. I need to let him choose the time to talk about it, even if that’s hard to do. The turmoil of still not having it resolved bubbles through me, and I keep walking to try to calm the feeling. Miles’s words from last week come back to me. I keep thinking that the key is for Holden to forgive me, and it is important, but the queasiness I feel is because I haven’t come to terms with it myself. Yes, I did those things, bad things, but my mom is right, I’m not a bad person and those actions don’t define me. I need to let it go. I keep walking, working a large circle back to the motel a couple ofhours later. I still have some work to do but I feel much better. I also know it’s time to be true to myself. It’s scary, but it’s a chance I have to take, whatever the outcome.
When I get back to the room, I can tell Holden’s asleep by his rhythmic breathing. I sit and watch him for a few minutes. He looks so peaceful, beautiful. I resist the urge to brush his hair out of face. Instead I lie down on the bed and manage to sleep for a few hours, and he’s still asleep when I rise and take a shower. I don’t wake him as his car won’t be ready for hours yet, and while I’ve made my decision I’m still nervous about it and in no rush. I decide to head to the diner and grab some breakfast, but before I leave, I take out the knitted heart that I brought with me in my bag, because it goes everywhere with me. I carefully place it on my pillow before I slip quietly out the door.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Holden
When I wake it takes a few seconds to remember where I am before everything floods back to me. I’m disappointed about the store, but today I feel more optimistic that I can find somewhere else. I feel a small amount of guilt that I snapped at Reece too, as he’d been pretty great all day and we’d been getting along really well. At least I’d thought so. Where is he? It doesn’t feel like he’s in the room, and I look around, concerned that maybe he’d tried to catch a bus back after all. But I see his bag on the chair, so he hasn’t left, and relief washes through me.
I sit up and lean against the headboard, and looking down I see the knitted heart on the pillow. My breath catches in my throat. I can’t move as time seems to stand still, and the rest of the world is just a faint muffled hum as I stare at the heart. Eventually I force air back into my lungs, and carefully I reach out and pick it up. I turn it over in my hands. It’s definitely the one I made for him in high school, I’d know it anywhere. The shape of it is imprinted on my soul. I look carefully... It’s worn, the wool isfraying, and the stuffing is coming out. It looks like it’s been held a lot.
But he threw it away. I saw it drop from his hand.
Unless . . .
No, I definitely saw that happen.
Reece has been trying to talk to me since he came back, but I wouldn’t listen. Is it related to this? And where is he?
I should get up and find him. There’s not much to this town so he can’t be far. But I don’t. Instead, I sit with the heart still in my hands and so many questions running through my head.
The door opens and I look up to see Reece enter, looking fresh and as handsome as ever.
“You’re awake,” he says with a smile. “I brought you coffee and a pastry.” He puts them down on the table and then his eyes shift to my hands. Uncertainty crosses his face and then he starts babbling. “Are you hungry? I wasn’t sure. Did you sleep well?”
“Reece!”
He stops and looks at me and I hold up the heart.
“I-I saw you throw it away.”
He casts his gaze around the room as if looking for something. It must be somewhere to sit, as eventually he crosses the room and sits on the edge of the bed. He rubs his hands down his thighs.
“I did throw it away.”
