The tightness in my chest always comes back when I feel I’m not in control. I’ve done what I can to control my life. I’ve worked hard, I run my own business—as a partnership, but I get ongreat with Nolan and we communicate well. I’ve not had many relationships, but that’s suited me fine. When I decided to come to the reunion I thought I had this all worked out, but it’s not going to plan and I don’t know what to do about it. Except try again of course.
I spot Miles, he’s with Atlas again. Atlas walks off and I decide Miles is another person I can apologize to. I didn’t directly bully him but he was definitely on the sidelines.
“Hey, Miles.”
He turns slowly, his face neutral. “Hey, Reece.”
“I’m so glad I saw you again! I wanted to catch up with you. Were you with Atlas St. James?”
He takes a deep breath. “Yes, Atlas and I are together.”
I realize now that his deep breath was him gearing up to tell me, and that makes me sad, but I understand, so I answer brightly. “Well, way to go. He—wait, is that his, shit, their correctpronoun?”
He looks surprised by my answer but I want him to know who I am now.
“He/him for now,” he answers.
“He. Well, he’s quite a catch.” I give him a grin and he huffs a laugh, his shoulders dropping a little.
“That he is, Reece.”
I don’t know how to follow that up so it takes a couple of seconds for my brain to kick in. “I’m really happy for you, Miles. What else have you been up to?”
He tells me a bit about his handyman business and then asks me about my life, so I tell him about my business.
“Anyone special in your life?” he asks and sounds genuinely interested.
“Not at the moment.” It’s the truth at least, but I don’t want to talk about me.
“Can I say something, Miles?”
He raises an eyebrow. “Of course.”
“I wanted to apologize for my behavior in high school. I was a homophobic asshole, and that couldn’t have been easy for you to hear. I’m sorry for any pain my ignorant, hateful words caused you.” I pause, looking away briefly. “I hurt a lot of people during that time. It’s no excuse, but being in the closet can make you do horrific things.”
His jaw practically hits the floor; he certainly wasn’t expecting me to come out to him. I can’t help the derisive chuckle that slips out. “Anyway, yeah. I didn’t know I was gay then, and my asshole dad always spewing anti-gay hate didn’t help matters. I figured it out in college a few years later, and it all made sense. But that doesn’t excuse any of my behavior. I was a little shit. And I figured this reunion was as good a reason as any to make what amends I could.”
He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, so I guess he’s processing what I’ve just said. “What about Holden?”
Ouch, that was . . . expected, I suppose. “I’ve spoken to him, but he still hasn’t forgiven me. I need to make amends with him, big time, if he’ll let me. He didn’t deserve anything I did to him.”
“He really didn’t.”
I nod, tightening my jaw. If Miles could see what I was doing back then, what must everyone else think? I’m surprised anyone’s talking to me at all today.
“I’m glad to hear you’re trying to make amends, Reece. You made some pretty awful mistakes, but it seems like you’re doing your best to make up for them now. Don’t beat yourself up over it forever.” His voice is softer. “Truth be told, I’ve beaten myself up for a lot of years for not stopping your bullying back then. I’ve only recently been able to forgive myself for that. It’s been so hard, and I didn’t feel like I deserved it, but I’ll tell you what I learned for myself... Forgiving yourself might be the hardest part, but it’s also the most freeing.”
His words snag in my core. I’m not ready for that yet, but I thank him anyway as he’s been kind and accepted my apology. He could have refused to listen to me. “Thanks for saying that, Miles.”
He claps my shoulder. “Of course.” And then, with an impressive non sequitur that I’m grateful for, changes the subject. “So, where are you living now?”
We talk for another twenty minutes and by the time we’ve finished they’re calling my class together for the group photo, so I make my way over. We get into a rough cluster and it’s then I spot Holden. It’s too late for me to move position as the photographer directs us to stay still, but I stay aware of him, ready to catch him once we’re done. The photographer shifts us around a little and takes several different photos until he’s satisfied, and the last class is called to form up. I see Holden move off and I turn to follow him.
“Reece? Reece Fisher, right?” A voice stops me and I look to see a familiar face, though it takes me a few seconds for the name to catch up with me.
“Marcia Stephens,” I reply. She looks well, her brown hair in a neat bob and she looks stylish.
“It’s White now, Marcia White.” She beams at me.
