“Where?” he asks. He still won’t quite look at me.
“Upstairs.” To our room which, right now, is a less-than-ideal situation if he’s going to continue making this uncomfortable, but whatever. I’ll make sure he’s okay, then we can both crash. This whole night has been weird. Better to bring it to a close now that I know everyone’s safe.
Yet as soon as the elevator doors shut, Austin rounds on me, once again backing me up against the wall. He lingers there, mouth an inch away from mine. The tip of his nose brushes my cheek and even that’s cold.
“I really want to kiss you again,” he says, voice rough. “I should probably tell you I’ve been wanting to kiss you for a while now.”
My brain goes blank. What am I supposed to say to that? He’s my best friend. We tell each other everything. Exactly how long is “a while,” and why didn’t he say anything sooner?
But the only thing that comes out of my mouth is, “Uh. Yeah.”
Austin takes that as an invitation, and maybe it is. Once again, his mouth crashes down on mine. He grabs hold of my clothes, and the bar that runs around the perimeter of the elevator makes me arch my hips forward.
“Zed,” he says softly, using the nickname I told him I hated when we were still kids but he somehow never gave up on.
“Uh-huh?”
“I really wasn’t flirting with Daniel.”
Are we back to that again? I’m already over that whole thing. Have been for a while. Seems like the least of my worries at this point.
“No problem,” I say. Why are we talking about that French assbag anyway? There are far more important matters immediately at hand.
But Austin’s intent on explaining himself.
“I haven’t flirted with anyone in months. Not since I realized I wanted you. Like, I’m totally, deeply, completely into you.”
The elevator comes to a stop and the doors open on a softwhoosh. We don’t move. Truthfully, I’m afraid to do anything because I’m so close to getting even the barest of answers and I don’t want to break the spell like I did when I said his name. A few seconds later the doors close again, though the elevator stays on our floor.
“You what?” I ask.
The elevator goes so dead silent I can practically hear both our heartbeats. Or maybe it’s that mine is so loud there’s no room for anything else in my ears.
The elevator starts descending again. Shit.
Austin licks his lips, but when he exhales, his whole body relaxes, like he’s come to a decision.
“I want you, Zed. Like, a lot. All the time. When we’re training. Sleeping. Being with you...like, getting to touch you. Maybe even fuck someday...that’s pretty much all I want.”
He what?
“Are you screwing with me?” I try to crack a smile, but it fades just as quickly when his expression stays serious. Little spots of colour rise up on his cheeks. He’s waiting for me to respond, and despite my surprise, I’m certain my answer is about to make some big decisions between us. So what do I say? Even if I were going to answer that I was flattered but maybe we should talk about it later when we haven’t had anything to drink and everyone was calmer, I would never want to hurt Austin.
Only, I do want him. How could I not be attracted to him too? If he were a stranger, with his good looks and athletic build, I would want him the second I saw him. And since he knows me better than anyone else and still puts up with my ass...
“Hey,” I say, snagging one of his beltloops. “Hey. It’s okay. Let’s go upstairs. Together.”
The elevator doors slide open, once again revealing the lobby beyond. Before Austin can do another kiss-and-run, a group of women step on, forcing him back so he’s standing beside me. The doors slide shut. They all have their backs to us, chatting about their trip here and who wants to stay up late watching Netflix. Austin is standing shoulder to shoulder with me. He looks like he’s not breathing again. I scoot an inch closer to him, then let my hand fall, bumping against his knuckles once, twice, until finally I feel one of his fingers tangle with mine, then another. I grab hold of him, clasping his hand like a lifeline.
The women get off on the floor before ours and even when we’re alone again, we don’t speak. My heart is racing. Because of what he’s said, and what’s about to happen. It’sAustin. I’m never going to want to only have sex with him and not talk about it again. Are we even having sex? He said he wanted to someday. Did he mean now? Maybe he only wants to cuddle until we get a few more things figured out? Maybe I’m overthinking everything for no reason.
We walk down the hall silently, still with our hands joined. There’s no one around and my heart is in my throat. When I swipe my key card over the lock, my hands shake. I walk through the door, but Austin stays where he is, looking absolutely terrified.
“If we’re doing this,” I say, trying to sound more confident than I feel. “I can’t take my clothes off with the door open. Someone might see.”
That gets him moving. He stumbles over the threshold like I’ve finally said the magic words that will bring this Austin-shaped doll to life. The second the door closes behind him, he’s on me again. It’s like he only has two modes: terrified and hungry. Before I can say anything else, his hands are pulling at my clothes. When he can’t get them off fast enough, he starts tugging at his own too, stripping the flannel and the clingy black base layer beneath in one go.
“Can we fuck tonight?” he asks, so apparently we really are going from zero to a hundred. Though that’s hardly surprising. Austin and I have always been at our best when we’re going as fast as possible, just on this side of losing control. Still, I can’t stop the little zing of nerves in my belly when he takes my hands and asks, “Do you want to?”
