I snap back to reality when Roberta says my name. She’s got her back to the sun, and I have to shade my eyes to see her properly. Despite her gentle words before, she looks pissed now.
“Sorry, what?”
“We’ve had the video pulled from the major outlets,” one of the lawyers says. “And the Wild Eagle Lodge has come out with a statement saying that they have no comment on your stay with them, and that the other man in the video is no longer employed there.”
I should have done more for him.
“Can we send up some security?”
The lawyer frowns. “The lodge is more than capable of providing their own adequate security. They—”
“Not for the lodge,” I say. “For Jack.”
The space gets quiet. The lawyers and Roberta glance at each other. Vin and Ivy are sitting on a love seat looking at me sadly.
Roberta asks, “What exactly is the nature of your relationship with... Jack?”
“What do you mean?”
“We don’t have time for you to be coy, Damian.”
“I’m not!” The sound of my name on her lips rankles me. After being called David for so many days in a row, it’s like I’ve already fallen out of the habit of answering to Damian.
She taps a perfect nail on the arm of her chair. It’s a silent signal not to fuck with her. “Is he your boyfriend? Are you in love with him?”
We knew each other for less than a week. How do I explain to them what happened?
“No.” I drop my head. “There’s nothing like that between us.”
“Then it would be better if we put as much distance as we can between the two of you.”
She’s right, I know she is, but the idea doesn’t sit well with me. Letting him go feels like a loss, like I’m staring down the barrel of something I don’t want to face alone.
Roberta proves my point when she says, “SoBeloved Coveis still on the table.”
“What is?” I ask.
“You know,” Vin says, shooting me a meaningful glance. “The script Roberta sent. The one that you read.”
The one I was supposed to read, except I chose to spend time with Jack instead.
“They’re very excited about your interest,” Roberta says, even though I haven’t indicated anything of the sort. “It’ll have a big summer rom-com push for next year. Filming starts next month. You’ll be on set in North Carolina for ten weeks. Lots of time for you to rehab your image.”
“Go back to being Damian, you mean,” I say.
She pauses. “Well, we’ll never be able to get this albatross off your neck entirely. But if we can spin it as you coming into your sexuality and learning to embrace your place in the LGBT community, I think in the long term, we can manage. A few years of films with a different appeal, then we can talk about getting back to the formula. A comeback tour.”
The albatross she’s talking about is Jack. We’ll never brush him away entirely. Years from now, a fan with no tact will go, “What about that guy who sucked your dick in Alaska?” and they’ll laugh like we shared a hilarious joke. I’ll always be the guy who was forced out of the closet because he was caught with another man. Neither the first nor the last, but it will always be something shameful.
The people around me are still talking. Still making decisions on my behalf. Roberta and Ivy are brainstorming outlets we could set up an interview with. Should we go with something serious and remorseful? Or have a talk show host shout “What were you thinking?” at me before they get me to play Twister with a new it-girl in a tight skirt like we’re all best friends?
“I need to lie down,” I say. The last time I slept was the night Vin and I drowned my sorrows in champagne. It feels like a lifetime ago.
“Guest room is down the hall.” Roberta waves me off. She’s deep in her plans. Contracts to be negotiated, appearances to be made. She’s talking about me like I’m not even there. No, she’s talking about Damian like he’s not even here, and maybe she’s right.
I stagger to the spare room, kick off my shoes, and don’t even bother with my clothes before I collapse onto the bed.
Damian isn’t here. Because Damian’s not a person. He’s a creation. My face and someone else’s name. My voice and someone else’s sexuality. He is a persona. A brand, really. I don’t manage my schedule, my social media, my life. I go where they tell me and smile when the cameras come on, and for a long time, that’s been fine because it was exciting and was the means to the end I’d been dreaming about and didn’t think I’d ever have when I first met Roberta. I have everything I want. Fame. Name recognition. I could get on a bus to North Dakota tomorrow, look my whole family in the eye, and tell them I got what I wanted.
