“Stef—”
“If he’ll be around now... if he’s willing to go so far as to move up here to be with us...”
I’m speechless. He’s made everything so difficult for her. For years. Not just since she came back up north. And she’s considering letting him do that again.
“But what about—” I start to say, but Stef holds up a hand.
“I don’t want a lecture, Jack. I want you to let me live my life.”
“Like you let me live mine?”
She reels back, and I didn’t mean to say that, but now that it’s out, I wonder if it’s true.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I’m just looking out for you. Like you look out for me. The way you’re always trying to find me a job. Telling me to leave.”
“I never—”
“Well, now I’m telling you I think this is a bad idea.”
“Jack. He’s my husband.”
I’m so frustrated I’m shaking. “Fine. Do what you want.”
“I don’t want to leave if you’re mad at me.”
“But you were happy enough to let me hang up my dignity and come work here.”
She thins her lips. Even I know that was one step too far.
“Stef.”
“I have to go,” she says. “Robbie needs me.”
“Wait. No.”
“I’ll call you from Anchorage.”
The screen goes black. I curse and rub my face. I should call her back and apologize. I’d at least text her, but my phone has no signal.
She can’t go back to him. Not that I have a say. But I was there when she came home from Boston. Exhausted. Heartbroken. He hurt her, even if it was just by never being there. She says he has a kind heart, but so does Stef, and she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. He doesn’t deserve a second chance.
I’m not one for moping so I try and stay busy, but what is there to do really when you’re on a floating hotel miles from home with no one to talk to? I go to dinner in the staff room, but everyone is chatting about the bonfire and laughing, and somehow it all feels too loud and too much. I’m not feeling like much for socializing tonight. They can enjoy their bonfire without me.
“You okay?” Marci asks, but her smile is too much like Stef’s. Kind. Motherly. Like I’m the one who needs looking after, when all I was trying to do was look out for my sister.
“Yeah,” I say. “Think I’ll go to bed early. Got a long day tomorrow.”
She winks. “With him?”
I don’t know how she knows, but I leave before I say something I shouldn’t. I’ve upset too many people already today.
In my room, there are no messages from Stef. She’s probably on the road. I send an email telling her I’m sorry and wishing her luck. Hopefully she reads it.
I don’t usually spend much time on the internet, but with nothing else to do, I find myself wandering through different websites. I look at boats—none that I can afford, even the ones that need a lot of repairs—and jobs I could apply for but don’t want to do any more than this one. Eventually, I find myself on the University of Oregon’s website, looking at their teaching program. It’s too late for me to send them an email telling them I’m ready to come back. I’d have to apply all over again.
But it was never about teaching. Not really. It was about getting away. Oregon was the farthest I could imagine back then. A baby step. But maybe it’s time to go farther. If Stef doesn’t need me—
Okay. Time for sleep. Maybe that cut on my head is worse than I thought after all, because this is a train of thought I don’t go down very often. I’ve always done what my family needed, because that’s what family does. There’s no shame in that. Maybe it’s time for me to make a change though. If I could do anything, what would it be?
My heart races when I come up with a big blank. Is it possible I’ve never actually asked myself this before?
Whatever. I won’t get anything resolved tonight. Or probably over the next few days regardless of what Stef decides, because she’ll be in Anchorage and I’m stuck out here. No point in getting ahead of myself. For now, I’ll do the one thing I’m good at, and that’s fish.
