I’m naked, except for my underwear, and while that mode of dress would have been more than enough for his arrival in the past, today, I need more. Also, I should brush my teeth. Christ, what time is it? I check my phone. A few minutes after six in the morning. Early sun is filtering through my curtains. It’s Sunday, right? Today is Sunday, and without the boys here, I wasn’t going to—
Brady’s coming. Right. He’s in the elevator right this second.
I rush out of bed but only succeed in pulling on sweats and a wrinkled T-shirt before I hear the soft knock at the door. Even that hurts. He shouldn’t have to knock.
But never mind the tooth brushing, he’s here. I am going to make this right.
When I open the door, I’m so relieved he’s okay that I don’t say anything at first. His face is the best thing I’ve seen in days. I stare, taking him in. The unruly hair. The flash of his earring. He’s dressed down, in an old Blue Jays T-shirt and a pair of cut-offs.
He says, “I want to take your kids camping.”
“What?”
“And take them to Jays games. I want to teach them how to build a computer from scratch, and I want to be there the first time one of them downloads a virus thinking it’s porn.”
“Brady.” I am not ready to think about my boys discovering porn. Especially not at six o’clock on a Sunday morning.
“And I will cook meals and go to parent conferences if that’s what it takes.” He pushes his way into the apartment, and I have to take a step back, and one step becomes two, and two is three as he strides in without ever taking his eyes off mine.
“I won’t work weekends. I’ll be home for dinners.”
Oh, Jesus. I’ve given this speech before. So many times. Made all the promises. And now I’ve forced him into it too. I’m so glad to see him, but I hate that I’ve pushed him to this point of desperation.
“Brady, stop.”
“No. Listen.” He shakes his head fiercely. “I want them. All of it. I don’t care what it takes. I’ll do it. I can handle it.”
“It’s not always that simple.”
“It has to be!” He grabs at my shirt, halting my retreat. “It has to, Nash. Because I want you. I love you so much I can’t breathe without you. Please. Whatever it takes. Please.” His voice breaks, and I can’t help myself when I pull him into my chest. His tears soak through my shirt, and I don’t care.
“No. No, hey. Shh. It’s okay.” Words I use when the boys have a bad dream or they skin a knee. “It’s fine.”
“I love you,” he says again. “That has to be enough. I’ll do anything you want.”
We wind up on the couch, him half in my lap. He’s stopped crying, but he won’t sit up either. I can’t say I mind, really. He feels so right in my arms.
“I’m sorry for sending you away,” I say, threading my fingers through his hair. The curls feel softer today, like he hasn’t styled them in a while. “I was overwhelmed and—”
“I can help.” He turns his face up to mine. “Whatever is going on with your son, if it’s about school, I can help. We’ll talk to my dad. I’ll call my client Bill and see if he knows anyone who—”
“I know. I’m sorry I didn’t feel like I could accept your help before.”
“Really? Okay.” He nods eagerly. “Whatever you need, I can do it. Don’t worry about work. I just went away for the weekend and nothing bad happened. I can leave the phone at home.”
“You went away? Without the football phone?”
“My dad and I went to a friend’s cottage. I needed some time to think. This week was...” He sighs. “Business was not good this week.”
I hold him tight against me. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”
“I don’t think I can keep going the way I have been. Even before we first got together... It’s not healthy. I need to step back more.”
“I can’t ask you to give up your business.”
“I’m not giving up. I’m reorganizing. Lena will be running my operation in six months. We can do this. Nash. All the time we were carving out to be together, we’ll give it to your kids. But we’ll still be together. I promise. It’s going to work. We already had the time. We’ll just be naked less and parent more.”
I want the picture he’s painting so badly. The two of us on Sugar Beach while the boys play in the sand. Lying next to each other in the dark, talking about work and school, making love until we fall asleep. I had that with Dominic, for a while anyway, and then it fell apart, but maybe it fell apart because we didn’t work together, not because I can’t have it all.
