Song Choice (1-5 stars )
What Their Performance Really Says (brutal honesty, no charge)
Kyle Graham & Jonas Patterson - “Super Freak”
(5/5 flames - I need a cold shower and therapy)
(5/5 stars - Rick James would be proud)
What It Really Says: Kyle Graham rolled out and smashed it without saying a word. That standing split? Those aerial acrobatics? The way Jonas manhandled him as though he weighed nothing? And as for the hand gestures while suspended in midair—we all know what that was mimicking, and itwasn’ta hockey stick. Also, Alex Donovan’s shrieking from the sidelines tells me everything I need to know about his feelings on the matter.
Gerard Gunnarson & Nathan Paisley - “Funkytown”
(5/5 flames - This transcended homoeroticism and entered a new dimension)
(4/5 stars - Classic choice, perfect for the drama)
What It Really Says: Gerard knowsexactlywhat he’s doing, and Nathan is along for the ride whether he wants to be or not. Those pink spandex tights should be classified as a weapon of mass distraction. And the way Gerard moved? That wasn’t skating—that was a mating ritual disguised as charity work. And Nathan wasn’t fooling anyone. The boy was harder than rocket science by the end of it.
Oliver Jacoby & Mason Bay - “Last Dance”
(5/5 flames -Someone call the fire department)
(4/5 stars - Disco never dies)
What It Really Says: These two are fucking. No speculation needed. The way they moved together was sheer muscle memory. Oliver’s hands knew exactly where to go, and Mason’s body responded like they’d done that dance a thousand times before, except while horizontal and without clothes. They won because they weren’t performing intimacy; they were being themselves with skates on.
Drew Larney and Jackson Monroe - “Xanadu”
(3/5 flames - Sweet, but suspiciously tame compared to the others)
(3/5 stars - “Xanadu” is cute but safe)
What It Really Says: While everyone else was serving up five-course meals of sexual tension, Drew and Jackson gave us a kids’ meal. Don’t get me wrong—there were moments. The dip had potential. The way they smiled at each other wasalmostconvincing. But compared to the absolute sausagefest we witnessed from the other couples, what I saw tonight wasn’t two people in love. I saw two peoplepretendingto bein love. Real couples have that unconscious synchronicity, that bone-deep comfort we saw with Oliver and Mason. Whatever this is with Drew and Jackson, it will implode within the month. Mark. My. Words.
There will be tears (Jackson’s), drama (Drew’s forte), and ultimately, a return to the status quo. Drew will go back to his revolving door of hookups. Jackson will date some pretty sorority girl to “get over” Drew. And I’ll be here to document every delicious second of the downfall because I see through the performance. I see the cracks in the façade. And I’m not going anywhere.
Oh! One last thing before I skate off. Elliot Montgomery’s meltdown was the highlight of my entire week. Watching him pummel Gerard’s ass with his fists while being carried out?Chef’s kiss!That’s the kind of authentic emotion I’m talking about. You can’t fake that level of rage or that level of comfort with your boyfriend’s glutes.
Until next time,
Ice Queen skating off!
24
JACKSON
The problem with having a perfect auditory memory is that some sounds become permanently etched into your brain, whether you want them to or not. Drew’s broken gasp when he came is one of those sounds.
