I chance a look. He’s in a pair of white briefs and pulling on an extra-large sweater.
“It’s complicated.” My legs feel like concrete as I drag myself to my bed, the mattress springs groaning in protest as I let gravity pull me down. The cool fabric of my comforter pressesagainst my cheek, muffling the frustrated groan that escapes from somewhere deep in my chest.
“Try me.” He puts on a pair of sweatpants and sits down at the desk. “You were working out with Arthur and Tyrell, right? Did something happen? Did you get hurt? Did they?”
I roll over to stare at the ceiling, debating what to tell him. On one hand, he’s my roommate and friend. On the other hand, am I ready to say something to someone?
“Jackson.” His voice has a gentle, measured quality, which suggests he’s concerned. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
Fuck it.I sit up and run my hands through my hair until it’s sticking up in every direction. “Okay, but you have to swear you won’t tell anyone.”
“Scout’s honor.” He holds up three fingers. “Though I was never a Scout. Too much organized physical activity.”
“It’s about the Ice Queen’s blog. Have you read it?”
“I have.” Ryan blinks at me, his eyes growing wider with each passing second as it sinks in. “You like Drew.”
“I do. I can’t say for sure why or how, just that the mere thought of him makes my palms sweat and my heart race.”
“And I take it you’re not going to tell Drew any of this?”
“Hell no. That’s the last thing I’m going to tell him.”
“So, you’re going to…what? Pine over him for the rest of your time here at BSU? Let the Ice Queen take pictures of you making heart eyes at him and gossip about it online to anyone who will listen? Debase yourself to the image of Drew in his hockey uniform when I’m not here?”
“I do no such thing.”
“Please, Jackson,” he says with a roll of his eyes. “Our room has a permanent semen stench. And I know it’s not from me, becauseyouknow I don’t do that.”
My face burns at the revelation that I’m not as sneaky with my private time as I’d thought I was. But then again, Ryan’s a genius. I should have known I wouldn’t get anything past him.
“You can’t tell anyone, Ryan. I mean it. No one knows about my feelings for Drew. Not even Elliot.”
“Wow. Isn’t Elliot like a brother to you?”
“He is, but he’ll tell Gerard because that’s what boyfriends do. They don’t keep secrets from each other. And Gerard isn’t the brightest bulb. I can’t risk him slipping up to Drew, or to any of the other guys on the team, and it gets back to Drew.”
Ryan sighs. “Your secret is safe with me, Jackson. On one condition.”
I narrow my eyes. “Am I about to be blackmailed?”
“Don’t think of it as blackmail. Think of it as a simple exchange between friends.” He fidgets with the hem of his sweater, which means he’s nervous about something. “There’s a comet passing over Berkeley Shore tonight. Hale-Bopp’s little cousin. It won’t be visible again for another forty-seven years.”
“Ryan…”
“I want to watch it from the astronomy tower, but they require a buddy system after dark. Safety protocols.” He pushes his glasses up his nose. “Come with me.”
I balk. “It’s January. It’s freezing. And we have classes tomorrow.”
“It’ll only be two hours of your time. The comet is supposed to pass over us shortly after midnight. Please? I’ll even bring hot chocolate.”
I know I’m going to regret this, but he is my friend. I can’t say no. “Fine. But the hot chocolate had better be the good kind. You know, with marshmallows.”
“Deal.” He smiles wide. “And Jackson, for what it’s worth, you’ll be okay. You’ve been hiding how you feel about Drew for who knows how long, and you’re still alive and kicking.”
The problem, I think, but don’t say, is that I may be kicking, but am I really living if I can’t be honest with myself?
“I need a nap before tonight,” I announce, getting under the covers and smothering my face in the pillow.
