“It’s a genuine medical concern. Penile frostbite can result in tissue damage, reduced sensation, and in severe cases?—”
“Okay, okay, I get it!” I hold up my hands. “Briefs it is. Gotta protect the goods if I want to have kids someday.”
Ryan nods, satisfied, and returns to his folding.
I shuffle over to the full-length mirror hanging on the back of our closet door, figuring I should at least see what I’m working with before the entire hockey team and half the campus witness my suffering.
Holy mother of God.
I choke on my tongue. Literally choke, like I’ve swallowed it wrong, which shouldn’t even be possible.
The white briefs have transformed my lower half into something obscene. My package sits front and center, cradled incotton, making it look approximately three times its normal size. I can see the outline of everything—and I do meaneverything.
I turn slightly, craning my neck to check out the back view, and my brain short-circuits.
My ass. My ass looksincredible.
Each cheek is lifted and cupped as though the briefs were custom-designed by some sort of ass architect. The cotton hugs the curve of my glutes, creating this rounded, perky situation that I’ve never seen on my own body before. The waistband sits below the small of my back, framing everything perfectly.
If I were a narcissist—which I’m not, I swear—I’d seriously consider fucking my own ass after seeing this.
“Ryan.” My voice comes out strangled. “Ryan, look at my butt.”
“I’d rather not.”
“No, seriously. Come here and look at what these briefs are doing to my butt.”
With a heavy sigh, Ryan walks over and stands beside me, examining my reflection with clinical detachment. “Your gluteus maximus does appear more prominent.”
“Prominent? Dude, my ass looks like it belongs in a museum.”
“That’s a rather dramatic assessment.”
“Look at it!” I gesture wildly at my reflection. “Each cheek has its own little shelf thing going on. When did my ass get shelves?”
“The supportive nature of the garment creates a lifting effect. It’s quite common.” Ryan adjusts his glasses. “Though I must say, the fit does seem rather snug in the front as well.”
I glance down at my crotch, then back at the mirror. The bulge is impossible to ignore. “Yeah, well, apparently I’m packing heat I didn’t know about.”
“The compression creates an illusion of increased size. I wouldn’t read too much into it.”
“Anillusion? Ryan, I can see the ridge of my—” I stop myself. “You know what, never mind. The point is, I’m about to run into the ocean looking like I stuffed an eggplant down my underwear while my ass auditions for a rap video.”
Ryan returns to his side of the room. “I fail to see the problem. You wanted to participate in this charity event. This is the appropriate attire for thermal protection.”
I stare at my reflection for another long beat. The briefs really do make my body look different. More defined somehow. My thighs appear thicker, my waist narrower by comparison. And that ass looks like it could bounce quarters.
Shit.Drew is going to see me in these.
Drew, with his easy smile and his quick wit and his habit of stealing my fries. Drew, who’s going to be at this plunge with the entire hockey team, probably wearing even less.
Drew, who is absolutely, definitely just my friend.
My stomach twists itself into a pretzel.
“You’ve been staring at yourself for three minutes,” Ryan observes. “That’s approaching narcissistic territory.”
“I’m mentally preparing.” I tear my eyes away from the mirror. “For the cold. And the public humiliation.”
