“No, the castle and surrounding lands are beautiful. I love it here.”
“But?”
“There is no but.”
“Do not lie to me, Tally. Never that. I see the unhappiness in your eyes, I hear it in your voice when you talk to Clare, and even to my boys. What can I do to relieve it? What is it you need?”
Stefan misses nothing. Even when I hope to conceal my longing for Sophia, even though I never mention her name, he somehow knows there is something, someone ever in my thoughts. I need to at least try to explain.
“I love my life now, here, with you, your sons, and little Clare. But still, I miss my old life. I had dreams, plans, people I loved, and they are gone.”
“You wish to return to Hohenzollern? It will be a very different place in the future.”
I shake my head. Hohenzollern was the place I wanted to be as long as Sophia was there. Now, I can think of no better place to be than Richtenholst.
“The church then? You still harbour a wish to take the veil?”
I shrug. At peril of damning my immortal soul I admit to myself that my interest in taking holy orders was rooted in a desire to remain close to Sophia, nothing more than that. My vocation was selfish in origin.
“I consider your infatuation with entering a convent to be misguided, but if you truly yearn for the peace of the cloister I would prefer to know it.”
“Why? What difference would it make? I have no choice. I never did. And even if that were my ambition, my heartfelt aspiration, what could come of it now? I am your wife, with all that entails. I could never become a nun.”
He cups my chin in his hand and tilts my face up to hold my gaze. “I suspect you would find it a life lacking in some comforts you have grown to appreciate of late.” He cocks his head to one side, his expression intense, and also sad. “I would miss those comforts too, but if that was what it would take to make you happy, I would bow to your wishes. Youdohave a choice, Tally. I want you to choose me, us. I want you to be my duchess but it will only work if you desire it too.”
“I do not understand. What are you saying? Iamyour duchess.”
“A duchess who desires to be a nun. That is not what I desire from you.”
My heart lurches. What does he mean? What is he saying?
“Stefan? I…”
“If you want to join a convent, Tally, I will not prevent it. Indeed, I will aid you in gaining entry to a suitable house, of your choosing.”
“You are sending me away?”
He shakes his head. “No. I want you to stay here, with me. Every fibre of my being yearns for you to stay. But I will not hold you here against your will. These last few days I have seen the passion in you, and I have loved it. But I also see the sorrow in your eyes when you think yourself alone, and I will not be the cause of that. Would the cloister make you happy? Is that what youtruly desire?”
I stare at him, incredulous, and I blurt out my reply. “No, of course not. Before, yes. But not now.”
He holds my gaze, his eyes boring into mine for several moments. At last he nods. “I believe I have the truth from you, at least on that matter. So I return to my original question. Why so sad? And please, no more evasion or half-truths. You will tell me what is troubling you, and you will tell me now.”
His features have hardened, his expression quite glacial now. I shiver, despite the fire roaring in the grate. I have experienced my husband’s commanding presence before, but never have I encountered this implacable demeanour from him. Something is different here, today. Something brittle and delicate shimmers between us, something that could so easily be shattered.
It is trust, mine in my husband, but also his trust in me to deal honestly with him. He has earned it. It is time.
I bow my head, breaking his gaze at last. My hands twist in my lap, the clothes on the table long forgotten. “Very well, my lord. I will tell you, and I hope you will not think less of me, and of our marriage, when you know everything about the woman you chose to wed in such haste.”
“I believe I can accept responsibility for my decisions. And deal with any implications that might ensue. Please continue, Tally.”
I drag in a breath, and attempt to gather my scattered thoughts. Where to start? How to even begin to explain? And how will my husband react when he knows? I am about to discover the answer to that.
“You will recall the day we met, at Hohenzollern?”
“Of course. I recall those events in vivid detail. So, what happened that day that I missed?”
“You learned the identity of my former husband, and… and you told me of your previous acquaintance with him. The reasons why you hated him.”
