As I fall to my knees as my head and world spin out of control and the blood flooding through my ears muffles all the surrounding sounds, I hear my dad asking about Lainey Rai. There are mumbled bits and pieces about a broken arm, but how am I supposed to be a good father without my Sarah? She’s my everything. How can she be gone?
The next week is a blur of arrangements and taking care of a three-year-old who is in pain and wants her mama. Marley, my other sister, Kinley, and Breanna try to calm Lainey Rai as much as they can. My dad even tries to calm her, but the only thing that stops the crying is when I sit and hold her or lie in her bed with her.
The nightmares are the worst, she wakes up screaming and crying for her mama, so we cry together until we go back to sleep.
Mason was given a week’s leave from the Army to come home for the funeral. His love of target shooting when we were kids paid off for him, he’s a sniper for Delta Force and rarely gets time to come home. I asked him once why he didn’t leave the military when he could and he says he loves what he does.
I’ve always been closer to Mason than to my youngest brother, Tucker, who was given leave from the Air Force. When Mason steps into the house and drops his bag at the front door, he lets me cling to him as I cry for the lost future I took for granted.
“What am I going to do, Mason? How do I raise my little girl without her mama?”
We both sit in the family room facing each other in the giant leather chairs next to the fireplace, me reclining back like I don’t have the energy to sit up and him leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.
“Lainey Rai’s going to be fine; she has a whole family herethat is going to make sure she is taken care of, and you have a support system in all of us. You’re going to be fine, too, it’s just going to take time.” His blue eyes that are the same color as Dad’s, are locked on mine.
Running my hand down my face, wiping the moisture that’s collected in my beard and mustache, I know I look a mess. “Normally, I take them to the well-baby visits; I stayed home to meet the vet.” I let my head fall back onto the cushion of the chair. “It should’ve been me.”
Mason’s face becomes hard. “No. You’re wrong, brother. Wishing for things that are never going to happen will not help Lainey Rai. Everything happens for a reason, and you’re supposed to be here.” He points his finger to the floor to back up his point.
I lift my head and lean on the arm of the chair, cupping my chin in my hand. “What reason could there be for a young mother to be taken from her family? Her family who loves her more than life itself?”
“And she loved you more than life itself, but I know she would hate for you to be questioning the order of things and blaming yourself.” He reaches over and grabs my knee. “I know Sarah would want you to remember the good times and never forget to help Lainey Rai to remember them, too.”
My eyes slide over to the fireplace, and I try to control my emotions as I say the next thing that has been constantly on my mind, “They asked me if I wanted an open or closed casket because the damage to her face from the glass was so bad.” I swallow down the sob that’s working its way up my throat and try to stop my voice from shaking. “She sat in that car in pain with our daughter screaming in the back seat, Mason, unable to help herself or Lainey Rai. Her last hour on this earth was painful and unimaginable, and I wasn’t there to help her go. She died alone.”
When I look back at Mason, his fist is tight in front of hismouth and his eyes are glassy and red. He takes a minute before he responds, “But she knew, for a fact, Gray, that you would have moved heaven and earth to be there if you had known. She knew you loved her and would have taken on all her pain if you could. You have to hang onto the love between you and not let it be tarnished with guilt or what ifs.”
***
Some of our friends from high school stand in the crowd of family and friends gathered around the grave. I opted for a closed casket because I don’t want everyone to see the damage to her face, Sarah never liked to leave the house without a fresh face and fixed hair.
She had the prettiest long, dark brown hair.
I left Lainey Rai at home with our housekeeper, Opal, there’s no reason to expose her to any of this. As I watch my wife’s casket being lowered into the ground, I feel my father’s hand on my shoulder and on my other side, my sister Marley takes my hand.
Sarah wouldn’t want Lainey Rai to get less than our daughter deserves. As the casket with the shell of my wife disappears into the ground, I make her a promise, I will not let grief steal any love or affection our daughter deserves. I will make it my purpose to give her the love and security she would get from both of us.
CHAPTER TWO
CURRENT DAY
LOSAngeles, CA
Elly
The file in the middle of my desk may as well be electrified and wrapped in razor wire, and maybe in one of those red file folders with a stamp that says ‘Caution’. It’s almost an inch thick and represents the part of my father’s business I hate.
My father is the founder and CEO of Royce Enterprises, and one of the divisions of his company deals with business acquisitions, or takeovers, the type of acquisitions that can and do destroy lives and families. I’ve never been personally involved in any of them, but I’ve been responsible for the data entry, and I’ve read the files.
I don’t want to be involved with them.
Anger is twisting the musclesaround my spine as I take deep breaths: in for three, hold for three, and out for three. I’ve always told myself I would be a part of the general business to keep my father happy, but my promise to myself was I would stay far away from this.
I reach over and slightly scoot the desk phone in the corner of the desk, perfectly angling it so the space between the edge of the desk and the phone is equal on both sides. The simple balance gives my nerves a little relief.
An imposing figure darkens my office door like a harbinger of ill will and leans against the frame. I lift my gaze to meet the eyes of a man I used to think of as a friend, but the moment I graduated with honors and my father brought me into the fold, I became his competition.
“Did you get this assigned to me, Harris?” I manage to keep the quiver of anger from my voice, but only just.
