I screamed as I recalled the way my body had crumbled as I kept living. Shaheen looked haunted, his eyes widening.
Cheshire dropped into the chair beside me and covered my mouth with his hand, stopping my cry. His mouth pressed to my ear.
“That’s not all, Alice.” I shook my head but he didn’t let me go, he held me silently against him, forcing me to know it all.
“You think this is the first time you’ve been here?”
“Cheshire,” Shaheen whispered, pleading with him once more to stop.
“You came to the Den before. You come a lot. You come for Caterpillar and he fucks you and lets you leave. Then you wander back thinking it's the first time all over again and he pretends it is even though he knows better. He lies right to your face, putting on the same act every time.” Finally, Cheshire removed his hand.
“Why?” I asked Shaheen.
“Because you’re in pain. I protect you. I love you, Alice. I’ll always protect you, even from yourself.” Shaheen looked into my eyes, pleading with me to understand.
“Protect you! He told you to eat the mushroom,” Cheshire barked out before laughing loudly.
“It wouldn’t have mattered. You know it’s only a matter of time before everyone here is infected. It’s in the fucking air. I did nothing but speed it up.”
“But why didn’t you tell me I’ve been here before?” I asked, thinking of all those dreams of him. Of the way he touched me like a long lost lover—knew my body. The way he said it made no sense to love me so fast, but he loved me all the same.
It all made sense now. This wasn’t some mystical fate of soul mates. This was my head unravelled in a fleshy mess and Cheshire scooping it up off the floor to show me the gore.
“Why?” I asked. Shaheen held my face with two hands. In his all-black eyes, I saw my own reflection—my long white ears and white skin. So many memories were tumbling around in my head—him, what the mushrooms did to me, Cheshire chasing me.
“My home!” I hissed, tears blurring my vision. “I…have to get home.” The feeling of loss and panic shredded me.
“You were so very lost, Alice. So lost you could never find your way home,” Shaheen whispered, pressing his forehead to mine. I cried, my body shaking.
“I can’t breathe!” I gasped, starting to hyperventilate. My eyes darted around, blurry with tears and panic.
“Alice.” His fingers stroked my cheek. I felt him shaking against me, terrified of my pain.
“Shhh,” he cooed. When I closed my eyes I saw the white rabbit again and it filled me with nausea and panic. My eyes popped open. That rabbit was in my stomach, kicking away, battering my organs, making me wince.
“It’s in me,” I whined.
I felt things, saw things in my head. Caterpillar's bed, his touches, Cheshire’s eyes watching from the trees. But it was a mess. Shaheen with his comfort and soft touches. Cheshire with his claws and demands.
The kicking rabbit inside made me nauseated and I felt it coming up my throat, my stomach squeezing it up like soft paste in a tube. I bent over the table.
My mouth opened and colour came out—blues and greens. I looked at the puddle in my teacup, the damp chunks clinging to the porcelain sides, and saw little mushrooms and flowers. Petals and leaves. They glowed gently and I scrambled away from the table.
Mad Hatter leapt on the table and ran across it, jumping off the edge to grab my arm.
“We have to go,” she hissed. I was startled by her touch. She never touched me. I looked at Hatter and had the odd epiphany that she had actually been making sense the whole time.
“Don’t give me that look. I’m not sane either.” I looked down at her fingers around my arm and saw them start to dent my flesh, then I saw her fingers sink into my skin. I whimpered and she reeled back with a hiss.
“You,” Cheshire spat and Hatter stilled, her eyes widening.
“I’m going to kill you!” Cheshire sang out, laughing. He launched at her and all hell broke loose but I was looking at my arm. The deep indents where her fingers had sunk into me were still here.
“I really don’t feel good,” I said. I looked up and saw the mushrooms pulsating sickly, throbbing larger.
I remembered it all and it hurt. I'd never made it home. I'd never seen my family ever again. They thought I was dead no doubt. Mourned me, cried for me, and I was here, lost forever.
Plants burst from my body, revealing they were inside. That the squirming was always real. Twisted vines, singing flowers, and glowing mushrooms exploding from my belly.
