Something was wrong.Mark moved a littlecloser and tried to get a better look at Lucas’s expression.“Areyou okay?Is Sean?”What else did Lucas care about?The farm seemedfine… “The squirrel?”he tried.
Lucas looked away quickly.“Sean’s the same.The squirrel’s fine.But…I think this is going too fast.It’s toomuch.You know how they say alcoholics shouldn’t date until a longtime after they’re out of rehab?I think it’s kind of the samething.I need to focus on myself and make sure I’m okay, and Idon’t need the extra stress.”
Mark’s brain refused to follow Lucas’s trainof thought.“What?”He needed to say more than that.“Whathappened?You were fine.We were good.Everything was great.”Hadit just been great for Mark?But, no.He remembered Lucas’s happysmiles, his relaxed body and slow, calm speech.It was the oppositeof the way he was behaving now.“Something happened,” he saidfirmly.
“It just caught up to me,” Lucas said.“Allof it.I don’t want to have to fight for every damn thing.I wantone thing in my life to be easy.Plain and simple.You and me—we’renot simple.”
Mark had no idea how to respond.“I want toquit the church,” he said, almost to himself.“I decided.I haven’tdone it yet, but—”
“Don’t do it!”Lucas looked almost ill.“You’re made for that job.It’s your calling, or whatever.Morethan a job.It’s part of who you are and you were always happydoing it.You should keep doing it.It’s important.”
Mark stared at Lucas.“Yeah, I was happydoing it.But that doesn’t mean that I’ll be happy doing it now.Things have changed.You know that.”
“Changed because of me.”
“Yes.But in a good way.”He’d said the samething to Daniel a few hours earlier, but maybe he should have beenmaking it more clear to Lucas all along.“I feel like I’ve wokenup.Sleeping wasn’t bad, but I don’t want to sleep for the rest ofmy life.I want to be awake, and I want to be with you.”
“It’s not about you,” Lucas said quickly, asif he’d rehearsed the words already.“This is about me.I’m notready for something like this.It’s getting in the way of myrehabilitation.It’s hurting me.”
Hurting Lucas.The idea literally rocked Markback onto his heels.He couldn’t hurt Lucas.He couldn’t let thathappen.“So what do you need?”he forced himself to ask.“Morespace?Some time?What?”
“A lot more space.Like, all of it.I thinkwe need to stop seeing each other, completely.”Lucas was staringinto the raccoon cage and Mark wanted to reach out and force theman to turn around.
But he stood completely still instead.“You’re breaking up with me?”he whispered.
“No, he’snot!”It was a new voicecoming from the stairs to the hay loft.Lucas and Mark whirled inunison and they both saw a set of feet perched on the top step ofthe staircase.The feet moved, started climbing down, and then Alexappeared, his face almost angry.“This is bullshit,” he said to noone in particular, then turned to Mark.“Your mother was out here.I heard her.She worked him over.”He eased off the intensity alittle to say, “Your mom and my dad should probably form a club.”Then he turned to Lucas, “And you bought it.You think you’re goingto make him better by leaving him?You think that’s going to makehim happy?You are sostupidsometimes!”He turned back toMark.“She offered him money, and he turned her down flat.Then shethreatened him, said she’d make sure he got sent back to jail, andhe shut her down on that one too.Then she said that being with himwas hurting you.She said you were going to lose your job, and youcouldn’t build a life with him because of his background and…” Heshook his head almost admiringly.“She hit every button.And hebelieved her.”Another frown in Lucas’s direction and a muttered,“Stupid,” rounded out his speech.
Lucas looked miserable.“She wasn’t wrong,”he started, but he stopped speaking when Mark stepped forward andgrabbed him by the shoulders.
“She was dead wrong,” he said firmly.“I loveyou.I want to be with you.The church?Honestly, Lucas, even ifyou did dump me, I’m done with them.I can’t stick my head back inthe sand on that.They say they’re changing but they’re doing itway too slow.They’re compromising and playing politics and tryingto make everyone happy when what they should be doing is trying tomake God happy.I can serve God without serving thatorganization.”
“You’re deciding things too fast,” Lucastried, but he stopped talking again when Mark squeezed hisshoulders.
“I’m not.I feel like I’m not deciding atall.I feel like I’m finally seeing things clearly, and once I seethings that way, there’s no reason not to act on what I discover.”He wanted to have this conversation with Lucas, but there wasprobably something more important to establish first.“I love you.Being with you makes me happy, and it doesn’t hurt me.It helps me.I’m a grown man and I make my own decisions and I know what’s bestfor me.Lucas, you are best for me.”And now Mark had to take thechance.“I want to be with you.Do you want to be with me?”
Lucas’s expression was hard to read.Fear,maybe, or deep indecision.Not exactly reassuring, and he took farlonger to answer than Mark would have liked.It was as if all threeof them were frozen for a moment and then Lucas finally gave atentative, jerky nod of his head.“I do,” he said.His voice wastight but the words didn’t feel like a lie.Then he raised his eyesto meet Mark’s.They blazed cold green defiance and he said, “Ilove you too,” as if he were daring the gods to strike him down forhis boldness.
It was Mark’s turn to feel frozen.Lucasloved him.He loved Lucas.Things had fallen apart but were nowfalling together.His hands slid as if of their own volition, downfrom Lucas’s shoulders to find his hands and lace their fingerstogether.
“You guys are doing a really crappy job ofnot rubbing this in my face,” Alex said from somewhere in thebackground, but Mark managed to tune him out.He was only payingattention to Lucas—his tentative, bashful smile, his warm breath astheir faces grew closer, the excitingly familiar press of theirlips, the warm, seductive comfort as their bodies aligned.
“Okay, this is pretty romantic,” Alex wassaying somewhere in the distance.“You guys are like an epic couplebattling the odds.Romeo and Juliet, for sure.”
For that, Mark would break the kiss.“Alex,”he growled, not taking his gaze away from Lucas, “you need toeither read that play or stop using it as a literaryreference.”
“I saw the movie!”Alex protested.
Lucas turned to stare at him.“Did you watchit to the end?Grade ten English class, Alex—did you sleep throughthat day?”He looked back toward Mark and took a deep, determinedbreath.“We’re nothing like Romeo and Juliet,” he said.“’Causewe’re going to make it.”The declaration was only weakened a littleby the way he raised his eyebrows as if looking forconfirmation.
“We are,” Mark said firmly.He tightened hisfingers around Lucas’s.“We are.”
Epilogue
Lucas stared at the little white house.Theroof was in bad shape, so it would be the first priority.And theplace definitely needed a coat of paint, and some weatherproofingbefore the winter hit.Then there was plenty to do on theinside—some rewiring, some plumbing, and lots of cosmetic stuff.Itwas a fixer-upper, for sure.“It doesn’t feel real,” he said almostto himself.
Mark grunted as he lowered the tailgate oftheir rental trailer.“It’s real.Now come help me.This stuffisn’t going to move itself.”
They were just maneuvering the couch down thetrailer’s ramp when Elise’s pickup pulled into the driveway, itsback piled high with the last of Mark’s belongings from theapartment.Alex swung out of the driver’s side and grabbed a boxfrom the truck bed.“Moving sucks,” he said in greeting.
