Lucas had his jeans and underwear on when heheard the front door slam.He didn’t let it slow him down.Hefinished dressing as quickly as his still-damp clothes would allowand forced himself to open the bathroom door.The apartment seemedempty.Mark’s mother must have left and Mark had obviously followedher.Jesus.Lucas had really screwed this up.
He stuck his feet into his soaked shoes.Hethought about taking the back stairs down, sneaking away throughthe alley, but what if Mark and his mother were downstairssomewhere just waiting to be sure he was gone before they returned?He’d have to make it clear that he was leaving, so he forcedhimself to march out the front door and down the street that wasbecoming so familiar to him.He wondered if he’d ever have a reasonto walk on it again.
ChapterForty-Four
“I’m making the right assumptions?”Mark’smother said once she’d regained the power of speech.“If I’m not…ifI’m jumping to the wrong conclusion…please tell me now.”
She was sitting behind the wheel of her car,ready to drive away.When Mark had followed her downstairs andtried to get into the passenger side, there had been a long momentwhen he really didn’t think she was going to unlock the door andlet him in.Possibly it was only the threat of a public spectaclethat had made her relent.Or maybe it was the glimmer of hope thatshe had misunderstood what she’d just seen.
But Mark wasn’t enough of a coward to lie toher now.“No.It’s what it seems like.”
Now she was staring at him and he half-wishedshe had just driven off.“I’d heard rumors,” she said slowly.“Butthose people with the rumors, they just said that you werehelpinghim.With innuendos, of course—that’s what you canexpect when a gay man helps anybody, apparently.But I didn’tbelieve even that much.I knew that you had good sense, and…” Shestopped scolding for a moment, just long enough to see that shewasn’t really angry, or at least not just angry.Mostly she washurt and confused.It made it much harder for Mark to even try todefend himself.“I knew you hated him as much as I did,” she saidin a softer voice.
“I did,” Mark admitted.“But then I got toknow him.By accident.Through Alex, mostly.Scott Wilson’s son.Alex is living at the farm where Lucas works, I was counselingAlex…”
His mother held up a hand.“I don’t think Ican hear this,” she said.“Not now.With your father not even inthe ground yet!”She seemed to seize that idea and find new energy.“My God, Mark, what would your father say?”
“I expect he’d be just as angry and confusedas you are.”There was no point in pretending differently.“And I’msorry you found out this way.And at this time.I really am.”
“This is…” She stopped talking and dug atissue out of her purse.Mark wanted to reach out for her but hewas pretty sure he’d be rebuffed.She’d come to his apartment tohelp him sort through photographs for her husband’s memorialservice.She hadn’t been braced for this, and she’d already had fartoo many shocks lately.
“I’m sorry,” he said again.
She finished wiping her eyes and blew hernose, then said, “Are you?Are you really sorry?Then you shouldfix it.”She sat for a moment as if collecting her thoughts, thensaid, “You’ve had a rough time lately, just like I have.Yourfather, and your job, and the awful violence.You’ve been understress and you released it in an inappropriate way.That’s all.Itwas just a mistake.But you’ve always been good at fixing yourmistakes.You’ve always cleaned up after yourself.That’s what youneed to do now.Just…get rid of him.This doesn’t have to go anyfurther.No one else has to know, and I can…I can forget about it.It will take me some time, but I can do that.”
“I love him.”Mark hadn’t planned the words,had barely even begun thinking them in his own mind, but they feltright as they passed his lips.“Maybe you can forget, but I can’t.”He thought of Alex, stubbornly refusing to let his father push himback into the closet, and he said, “I can’t and I won’t.I’ve neverfelt like this before.I know it’s hard for you, but for me?It’swonderful.I feel alive, like—”
“Stop it!”His mother wasn’t crying anymore.She was staring straight ahead, jaw clenched and hands gripping thesteering wheel.“I will not listen to that.You can’t say thosethings, not to me!”
“Okay,” Mark said after a moment.“I won’tsay them.But I can’t stop feeling them.He’s the last person inthe world that I should be in love with, but that doesn’t seem tomatter.It’s not something I can control.”
That was when Lucas appeared in the doorwayof the apartment building.Jeans and a sweatshirt, no raincoat orumbrella.He didn’t even look around him as he turned and headeddown the street.Mark and his mother both watched him walkaway.
His mother didn’t say anything for far toolong and when she did speak her voice was cold.“Get out of thecar.Put the pictures together and I’ll have someone pick them uptomorrow morning.Be at the funeral home on time and properlydressed, and don’t you dare bring that murdering son-of-a-bitchanywhere near my husband’s memorial service.Do youunderstand?”
“Of course I won’t bring him,” Mark said.“Ofcourse not.But, come upstairs, Mom.I’ll make you some tea or giveyou a big glass of brandy or something, and we’ll… You can be angryabout one part of my life without pushing me away completely, can’tyou?”
“Not right now I can’t.”Her bottom liptrembled as she said, “I was counting on you to get me throughthese next few days.I needed you to be strong, and to let me leanon you.Now…” She looked at him as if he were a stranger.“Now Ijust don’t trust you anymore.I don’t understand you.”
“I’m still me, Mom.Come on…”
“Get out of the car, Mark.Find the pictures.And for God’s sake, think about what you’re doing.”She was lookingahead now, her eyes fixed on the road as intently as if she weresteering it through a blizzard.“Think about who you’rehurting.”
“I will.I mean it.But, Mom…” Mark wasn’tsure if he should push it this far or not, but it wasn’t as if hehadn’t lost all the same people his mother had, and maybe sheneeded to be reminded of that.“Think about who you’re hurting too.We need each other.We’re all that’s left, and—”
“We’re all that’s left and you’re spitting inthe face of our family!You’re…with…with the man who destroyedus!”
“I don’t think we’ve been destroyed—” Markstarted, but his mother wasn’t interested in hearing it.
“Get out of the car.Don’t call me.I’ll letyou know when I’m ready to discuss this.”
And that was that.Three times she’d told himto get out—he couldn’t keep ignoring her request.And he reallydidn’t have anything left to say.Nothing that would be productive,at least.
So he climbed out of the car and watched asshe drove away through the rain.She didn’t turn to look back athim.He stood on the sidewalk for a moment, then started moving.This was his fault.He should have controlled the situation, shouldhave spoken to his mother earlier and at a time when she wasn’talready reeling from another loss.He’d been too passive and it hadturned into a mess.Now he needed to make sure he didn’t let thesame thing happen with Lucas.
He jogged to his car and steered it in thedirection Lucas had been walking.It wasn’t as easy to find him asit should have been.Mark drove straight to the halfway house, hiseyes peeled the whole way, but Lucas was nowhere along the route.He hadn’t been gone long enough to have made it home, but maybehe’d gotten a ride, so Mark pulled out his cell, called the house,and asked for Lucas.Not there.
Damn it.Mark didn’t want to let this wait.Lucas was so insecure, so ready to blame himself for every damnthing that went wrong.It had been endearing at first, another signof the man’s determination to take responsibility for his mistakes.But at a time like this it just made Mark crazy, thinking of Lucassomewhere, wet and cold, sad and guilty.He thought of what he’dsaid to his mother.Yeah.He loved Lucas.That was the only way toexplain the churning anxiety in his gut, the almost overpoweringneed to find the man and save him from his own demons.
