“The bottle’s fine,” Lucas said cautiously,obviously unsure about the new direction.
“I’ll order food.I’ve got a salad, anddesert.Do we need anything other than the pizza?”
“Pizza has all four food groups.It’s aself-contained meal.”
Mark smiled.“Excellent.Okay, make yourselfat home.”He gestured toward the living room as he headed for thephone.He tried to keep his back turned while he made the order,finding it hard to concentrate on details like thin or regularcrust when Lucas Cain was sprawling on his sofa, licking his lipsafter tasting the pomegranate soda, leaning forward and running hisfingers over the magazines on the coffee table… Mark swallowed hardas he hung up the phone.He needed to be in control of this.He hadbeliefs, and they hadn’t changed just because he’d met someone whoelectrified him.
He randomly selected one of the soft drinksfrom the fridge and then sat in the armchair opposite the sofa.“Half an hour,” he said.“The food will be here in half anhour.”
Lucas nodded and sat back on the sofa.Therewas an awkward pause as Mark wracked his brain for topics ofconversation that weren’t potential minefields.They weren’t goingto talk about families, that was for sure.Life histories seemedsimilarly fraught.Movies?Sports?Mark wanted a deeper connection,and he really wasn’t sure whether Lucas followed any of that stuff.As far as he knew Lucas spent almost all of his waking hours at thefarm, and Mark was there with him most of the time, so there wasn’tmuch left to talk about.
“How’s your dad?”Lucas asked suddenly.Apparently families weren’t completely off limits.
“About the same.Everyone’s frustrated,because he should be getting better by now.Getting better or…”Mark didn’t want to finish the sentence, and Lucas’s nod made itclear that he didn’t have to.
“That must be hard.Watching him like that.And work is still bad?”
“I’ve been taking a bit of a vacation fromthinking about it, to be honest.I mean, with all the…the attack,and then last night, dealing with that…I’ve gotten a bitdistracted.”Mark tried to find the right words, and Lucas waitedpatiently, obviously realizing that there was more coming.“I thinkthe distraction might be a good thing.I think maybe…” Markshrugged.He’d never talked like this to anyone.“The church was mylife.I threw myself into it, maybe a bit too hard.The church’sstance on gay priests is fuzzy, so I just…I let myself forget thatside of my life.Well, not quite…” He was thinking it through as hewent and it was probably making him sound scattered, but somehow heknew Lucas wouldn’t judge him for it.“I was always hyper-aware ofmy sexuality in terms of a social identity, you know?I was The GayPriest.But the actualbeinggay?Like, letting myself beattracted to men, pursuing relationships with them?I didn’t do anyof that.I was theoretically gay, but in practice, I was justcelibate.”
Lucas frowned at him.“For how long?Notforever?”
Mark shook his head quickly.“No.I dated inuniversity, and in theological school.But when I came back home towork, I just…at first, I made a conscious decision to focus on thejob.And I was just getting over a breakup, so I wasn’t ready forsomething new anyhow.It made sense at first, but somehow I justnever broke the pattern.”
“That’s a long time.”
Mark drew in a shaky breath, half-laugh,half-something else.“Yeah.It is.”
“So maybe you’re not really thinking clearlynow.”Lucas sounded like he was forcing himself to say the words.“You put a part of yourself to sleep, and then it woke up andit’s…it’s a bear coming out of hibernation.It’s hungry, and it’sready to eat anything, even if the food isn’t really a goodidea…”
“I didn’t just wake up.That’s the thing,Lucas.Youwokeme up.I know what you’re saying about thisnot being a logical relationship.I get that.But I don’t feel likeI really have a choice in the matter.”He wasn’t sure how much morehe could say without scaring Lucas right out of the apartment, butthey’d started down this path and it seemed like they should followit a little farther.“The way you make me feel?I’ve never feltthat way before, not with anybody.Nothing even close.I can’t walkaway from that just because it’s not socially appropriate for us tobe together.I mean, if it’s too much for you, I understand, andI’ll have to respect your decision.But for me?”Mark shook hishead.“For me, it’s something I need to pursue.I can’t walk awayfrom this just because it’s the smart thing to do.”
Lucas was staring at him.Then he took a deepswallow from his bottle.“Okay,” he said quietly.
Mark wanted more, but he wasn’t sure exactlywhat.“So…you’ll stop trying to talk me out of it?”
Lucas nodded.“Yeah, I guess.I mean, you’rea smart guy.You’re educated and everything, and you know your ownlife.I guess you can take the chances you want to take.”He pausedbefore adding, “I’m not saying I think it’s a good idea.But I cansee that it’s not my call.”
So somehow Mark had made Lucas feel even moredisempowered than he already did.He sighed.Maybe it was aconversation best left for another time.“How about you?”he askedin a deliberately lighter voice.“What’s your dating historylike?”
Lucas looked at him in disbelief.“I’ve beenin jail, Mark.Maximum security federal penitentiary.There wasn’ta lot of dating going on.”
Mark felt stupid but tried to recover.“Butsince then?Or before?”
Lucas shook his head slowly.“Since I got outI’ve just been…I don’t know, just trying to get my head onstraight, trying to adjust to things.And before?I was stillpretending.You know.Messing around with girls.”
Mark nodded.That made sense, he supposed.But Lucas was obviously not completely inexperienced.“And in jail?I mean, I’ve heard stories, read statistics…”
“In jail was where I really realized I wasgay,” Lucas said slowly.“The stuff other guys were doing becausethey had to, because there were no women around and they wanted tobe touching someone when they got off?”His gaze was firm anduncompromising as if he’d faced this truth head on and wasn’tafraid to share his findings with Mark.“I liked it.It feltnatural.It was what I wanted, and it was easy not to think aboutwhat it meant because lots of guys were doing it.”His gaze fellaway and he turned to look musingly out the window.“But it wasn’tlike this.It was always rushed.There wasn’t much privacy.Technically it was against the rules, but, you know—they looked theother way.They supplied condoms and everything.”Lucas looked backat Mark quickly.“I always used them.And I had a medical before Igot out.I’m clean.”
“But it was just sex.Not relationships.Notdating,” Mark said.He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear many moredetails about Lucas’s prison sex.
Lucas turned his head and looked at Marksuspiciously.“This ‘dating’ thing you do—is that a gay thing?Idon’t really remember anyone going on dates.Hooking up, yeah, andI guess if you hooked up with the same person enough times in a rowyou were ‘going out’.But…dates?”
“It might be an age-related term,” Mark saidcarefully.He didn’t want to criticize the social patterns ofLucas’s friends.“When I was in high school, I remember we all justsort of hung around in a group.But that faded out a bit.I guesswhen you’re young and you’re all going out and partying all thetime, a group makes sense.But as you get older, it’s rarer for awhole bunch of people to have time to go out at the same time, soyou start going out in smaller groups?Like, couple-sized.”
“Dates,” Lucas said.“Yeah, okay.Weird, butI get it.”
“You probably need more advanced socialskills to date,” Mark said.Now that he had his theory, he was kindof enjoying the exploration of the idea.“I mean, in a big group,if something is awkward or there’s a gap in the conversation,someone else is there to jump in and help out.But if there’s onlytwo people, and something goes wrong…”
