He dropped the bales through the trap doorand flipped it shut, then headed for the steep staircase that wouldtake him down to the animals.He swung the door open and jumpedbackward in surprise when he saw the man who’d been about to openthe door from the other side.“Father Mark!”
“Lucas, hey.”The priest’s smile was almostshy.“I hope you don’t mind me coming out to see you.I wanted tocheck in, and Daniel Cohen wouldn’t tell me anything.He said itwould violate lawyer-client privilege.”
“No, it wouldn’t,” Lucas said, confused.“Itold him I didn’t need him.”More like “couldn’t afford him,” butthere was no need to drag Father Mark into any of that.
“So who’s representing you?”
“Public defender, I guess.I didn’t seeanyone last night.Well, that Cohen guy talked to the cops for me,since he was there anyway.He said he’d do it pro bono…I guess thatmeans he’d do it that one time?”
“‘Pro bono’ means he’ll do it for free.Andfrom the way he was talking this morning, it sounded like he’d bedoing the whole case for free.It sounded like he thinks you’re hisclient.”
“For free?”That made no kind of sense.
“You should call him and figure it out.Youneed representation, Lucas.”
Lucas didn’t want to think about any of that.“Okay,” he said noncommittally.“Hey, did you have any trouble thismorning?Any more problems at the apartment?”
Father Mark shook his head.“No.No sign ofanyone.”
“Okay, good.”Lucas had the beginnings of aplan for how to make sure things stayed that way, but he didn’tthink he was quite ready to share it yet.Which left them with abit of a gap in the conversation.Surely the priest had coveredwhat he’d come out for, so why was he still standing in thedoorway?And why was he wearing his work clothes and carrying hisleather gloves?
“You’re throwing down hay?”
Lucas wasn’t sure where this was going.“Justfinished.”
“Do you want me to help you stack itdownstairs?Or should I start feeding?”
“You’re staying?”Lucas felt like an idiot assoon as he said the words.Maybe he was supposed to be pretendingnothing had changed, acting as if he didn’t know how Mark’s lipsfelt against his own.“I mean…” He trailed off.What the hell washe doing?
“I said I’d help with that fencing today,”Mark prompted gently.
“Yeah, but…” Damn it, Lucas wasn’t good atunspoken messages.He wasn’t much good at the spoken ones either,but at least there was a chance of clarity that way.“I fucked up.Yesterday night.”He stared at Mark, waiting for a response, thenawkwardly said, “In your apartment.By the door…you know.Thatwas…I was way out of line.Sorry.”
“You were worked up,” the priest said as ifhe’d been thinking about this.“From the fight.Adrenaline.”
“Yeah,” Lucas agreed quickly.Was it possiblethat his behavior was going to be excused?“But that doesn’t makeit okay.I can’t go around molesting people just because I was in afight.That doesn’t make sense.And I can’t…not you.I mean…”
Mark was watching him closely.“I don’t think‘molesting’ is the word I’d use.And are you saying it was amistake because you weren’t allowed to do it, or because you didn’twant to do it?”
Lucas didn’t understand the question.It feltlike a trick, but the priest didn’t usually seem devious that way.Still, it was better safe than sorry.“I don’t want to do thingsI’m not allowed to do.”That was the best answer for a man onparole to give.
But Mark snorted in disbelief.“Really?Iwant to do all kinds of things I’m not allowed to do.”He grinnedmischievously.“Usually I don’t do them.But wanting?Yeah.Iwantto do them.”
Lucas swallowed hard.Apparently thisconversation was going to be more honest that he’d hoped.“Okay,”he said carefully.“I guess…I guess I wanted to.But that doesn’tmean I had the right to.I’m sorry.”
Mark nodded slowly, then said, “You didn’thave the right.But don’t be sorry.”
Lucas didn’t think he was ready for any moreconfusion, so he didn’t pursue whatever the priest was trying toget at with that.“I won’t do it again.I mean, I know that doesn’tmake it okay that I did it once.But it kind of caught me bysurprise that time.Now that I know it’s…you know…something that Imight want to do…I’ll be more careful.”
The priest was still watching Lucas closely,and now he narrowed his eyes even further.“Is there a pretty longlist?Of behaviors you have to be on guard against.Instincts youhave to consciously repress.”His lips twitched a little before headded, “Things you want to do that you shouldn’t do.”
Lucas knew he must look stupid, staring atthe priest blankly as his mind whirled through all the rules he’dhad to make for himself.No drinking, no fighting.No physicalcontact that might lead to fighting, no physical contact that mightlead to inappropriate desires.No hurting people.No lettinghimself get drawn into things that might hurt people.And noforgetting what he’d done.Not ever.Those were the ones he hadwords for, the ones he’d made up for himself.There were theothers, of course—the ones Dr.Clark had helped him become aware ofin the prison therapy sessions.Don’t trust people, don’t letanyone see your weakness, don’t show any emotion other thananger.And the rules from even earlier, the ones burned intohis childish mind and reinforced with fear and pain.Don’t be solazy, don’t be a pain in the ass, don’t be such a fucking loser,don’t cry, don’t tell.
But Lucas had paused too long and somehow thepriest had come a step closer and was peering at Lucas withconcern.“Did I hit a nerve?I’m sorry.”
Lucas stepped backward and ran into thesolidity of a stack of hay bales.“Sorry, no, I’m fine.I can addanother rule to the list.It’s not full yet.”He tried for a smile.“It’s all under control.”
Father Mark nodded slowly.“That’s important,isn’t it?Control.You need to be under control.”
