“It was an oversight that brought you intocontact with him.This facility is here to help you rejoin society.You have a big job ahead of you and you need to keep your focus onthat.Don’t worry about Mark.”
“Father!”Lucas tried to keep his voicelevel.“He’s Jimmy Webber’s brother.I can’t do anything for Jimmy.And his family wasn’t interested in any reconciliation stuff.Theyasked about that at the prison and I said I’d do whatever thefamily wanted, and the family said they never wanted to see meagain.”It hadn’t been fun to hear, but it hadn’t been surprising,either.But now?“Why isn’t Father Mark here?Is it because of me?Because I’m here?This is his job, his thing that…” Lucas struggledto remember the words.“He gets satisfaction from this, right?Itgives him a sense of purpose?Father, I can’t get in the way ofthat!I’ve already hurt him enough.If he’s not here because of me,I should go.I need to go.”
“No, Lucas.”The priest’s voice wasn’t loudbut it was firm.“Mark isn’t being punished.He isn’t beingdeprived of meaningful work.He’s just taking some time away fromthis situation in order to regain perspective.Mark is fine.You,on the other hand, are recovering from some fairly seriousinjuries, and when that’s taken care of you’ll be busy working onyour reintegration into society.Please don’t let yourself bedistracted.”He stood and lifted the tray away from Lucas’s legs.“You’re tired.Rest, now.I’m sorry I disturbed your peace, but youneed to find it again.”His smile was as tired as Lucas’s spirit.“I know, it seems like a complication.But it isn’t.It’s nothingto do with you, or what you’re working on.Let yourself rest,Lucas.Let yourself recover.”
He waited for a response they both knewwasn’t going to come, and eventually left, shutting the door behindhim.Lucas lay in bed, his body tense and refusing to relax.MarkWebber.Jimmy Webber’s brother.Lucas had already hurt the family,and now he…what had he done?What had Webber been thinking when hesaw Lucas?Was it any wonder that the man had been a littledistant?Lucas was lucky he hadn’t been smothered in his sleep.
Or maybe unlucky.At least that would havebeen an end to it all.As it was, Lucas was stuck in thisnightmare.
And stuck thinking about himself, as if hewas the one who was suffering here.As if he had any right to feelsorry for himself after what he’d done.He needed to think aboutMark Webber.The man had lost his brother, but he hadn’t given up.He’d kept going, kept working and serving and being a good citizen.And Lucas had shown up on his doorstep and Webber had still been adecent human being.Now, it was looking like the man had lost hisjob, or been transferred, or…Jesus, if the man had been asked tocross the street in a way he normally wouldn`t have, if that hadhappened because of Lucas…
Lucas swung his feet over the side of the bedand took a deep breath before pushing himself upright.The pain wasbad, the dizziness worse, but he could survive.He could stayupright.He staggered a little as he moved around the room,gathering his few belongings into the canvas gym bag he’d beengiven at the jail.He needed to get the hell out of there.It wasWebber’s place, and Lucas had already taken far too much from thatfamily.He wouldn’t take this too.Webber deserved better.
ChapterFourteen
“I know you’re probably getting sick ofhearing it, but honestly, Alex, it really does get better.”Markfocused his energy on this kid, in this room, trying to leave allthe rest of the complications behind.
But Alex wasn’t being soothed as easily ashe’d been in the past.“Is that why you look like that?All tiredand grumpy, because your life is so damned easy?Everything gotbetter, and now you’re living happily ever after.Is that honestlywhat you expect me to believe?”
Mark had always prided himself on hisprofessionalism.It was important that he seem caring, but alsoimportant that he maintain boundaries.Friendly, but not friends.Comfortable, but not exactly casual.Keep the focus on theparishioner.Let them feel that they know you, but don’t actuallydisclose much about yourself.It was a balance he’d alwaysmaintained instinctively, but it somehow didn’t feel naturalanymore.“No, Alex.My life isn’t perfect.My life is a pretty bigmess, to be honest.But it’s not because I’m gay.My sexuality isright near the bottom of my list of concerns right now.”
“So what is the problem, then?If it’s notbecause you’re gay, it’s…”
“It’s personal, Alex.Nothing you need toworry about.”
“Yeah, okay.”Alex leaned back in his chair.“I get it.Every time I come in here you push at me and get me totell you stuff about me—personal stuff—and that’s okay.But youdon’t want to turn it around.”
“It’s important that everyone have someone totalk to.But it doesn’t have to be a reciprocal relationship; youdon’t have to talk to the same person that you listen to.You seemto find some value in talking to me, because you keep coming back.And I’m glad that you do.I like listening, and I hope I’m helping.I talk to someone else.And he tries to help me.”
“No offense, Father, but it doesn’t look likeit’s working.”
Mark snorted.“You should have seen me lastnight.”It was true.Mark was in a much better state than he’d beenthe night before when he’d come to the church to find Terry waitingfor him.It had been a sleepless night, filled with prayer andself-doubt, and Mark knew there was more of that in his future, butat least he’d taken a first step.“Believe it or not, things arelooking up.”He shifted around, trying to look a little more alert,or less pathetic at least.“Look, Alex, life is going to have hardtimes.Absolutely.You’re going to make mistakes, or someone elsewill make a mistake and it will affect you, or maybe it’ll just bebad luck.Who knows?The point is…well, there’s two points.Possibly more.But the first point that comes to mind is that thegood times more than make up for the bad.They do.There’s a lot ofgreat stuff waiting for you to discover.The second point is thatduring the bad times, you’re going to need to focus all your energyon whatever you’re going through right then.You really won’t havetime to worry about your sexuality, or hiding it from people whoare too ignorant to accept you for who you are.So what I’msuggesting is that we focus on that right now, while everythingelse is going pretty smoothly.We can get that out of the way.Idon’t mean I can wave a magic wand and cure all the homophobia inthe world, but hopefully you can get yourself to a place where thatbullshit becomes the homophobic assholes’ problem, not yours.Youknow?”
“I’ve never heard you swear before, and nowyou drop two in one sentence?Seriously, Father, you’re fallingapart.”
“Yeah, sorry.Look, I’m doing my best.”
Alex leaned forward and reached out to resthis hand on Mark’s forearm.“No, don’t worry about it.It’s kindanice to know, really.I mean, all that stuff about how you werefine about being gay…I figured you were a superman, or something.Imean, it bugsme, but that’s ’cause I’m weak…”
“No, Alex!I’m sorry.I should never havegiven you that impression.”
Alex just shrugged.“I get it.You’re God’sguy, right?You have to be pretty perfect.”
“I’m far from it.”Mark needed some time tothink about this.What image of himself had he presented, and forhow long?And more importantly, why had he been doing it?Maybehe’d been trying to make people comfortable so they’d let him help,or maybe he’d been acting out of pride.Maybe he’d been trying tofool them, or maybe he’d been trying to fool himself.
“Father?”Alex still sounded good, as if hewere enjoying the chance to be the strong one.“There’s a guy overthere, kinda beat up?I think he’s waiting for you.”
Mark jerked his head around to look in thedirection Alex indicated, and then he stared.Cain’s bruises werebolder now than they’d been the night before, and he was leaningagainst the pillar at the entry to the nave as if he needed itssupport to keep himself upright.But his eyes were clear, and theywere staring straight at Mark.He didn’t look like a killer.Helooked like a confused, battered young man, and he seemed to needsomething from Mark.For the first time, Mark didn’t feel thefamiliar wave of rage toward Cain.His emotions now were just asintense, but considerably more complex.
“I need to get going anyway, Father.”Alexstood, confident and in control.“I’ll come back in a few days tocheck in, if that’s all right.”
“Of course.”Mark stood as well and forcedhimself to look away from Cain’s hypnotic gaze.“You’re feelingwell?You don’t need to talk about anything more?”
“Not today.I’m good.”The boy picked up hisknapsack and slung it over one shoulder before starting toward thedoor.“Thanks,” he said easily, then turned and headed away,leaving Mark with no choice but to look back toward Cain.
And no choice but to walk toward him.Hestopped a little farther away than he normally would have, and hewaited.The man had come here for a reason, and now Mark would hearwhat it was.
Cain took a deep breath, wincing as itstretched something that had recently been damaged, and said, “I’msorry,” in a low, husky voice.“For everything.For coming to yourhouse—I didn’t know you worked there.But, you know…for…for yourbrother, as well.I’m sorry.”
