I couldn't believe it. "But how did you find Tara all by yourself?" It was so far from Vernal territory!
Arian puffed out his chest proudly. "I know how to hitchhike! Like on TV, you stand by the road and stick up your thumb and pretend you're trying to get home. Nice people give you rides. I have an allowance too, so I can buy my own food!"
"That's so dangerous!" My heart raced with fear, and I couldn't help scolding him. "You were just lucky you didn't run into bad people or hunters. That's the only reason you're safe. That's nothing to be proud of! If something had happened to you, I… your daddy would be devastated! Arian, promise me you'll never run away from home again, and never lie. Do you understand?"
Arian flinched, his eyes quickly turning red. But he held back his tears and mumbled, "I understand. I'm sorry… But I have to find Mommy." He sniffled. "Daddy always looks so sad when he sees me. He won't play with me, won't hug me, won't even smile. Uncle Herman says it's because he misses Mommy. If I find Mommy, he'll be happy and play with me!"
I listened to Arian's broken explanation, unable to speak for a long time.
His words made my heart pound. I couldn't believe it. Elias was actually sad about my death? He had really been missing me all this time? But hadn't he always believed I was a traitor and hated me the most?
"Either way, staying here will make your daddy worry," I suppressed my complicated emotions and said softly. "Tomorrow I'll find someone to take you home."
Arian froze. Then suddenly, tears started falling. "You want to send me away too? Why? Daddy's like this, and now you are too. Nobody wants to be with me. Is it because I'm not good enough? Is that why no one likes me?"
"That's not true!"
I jumped up and pulled him into my arms. He didn't resist. His small head buried in my chest, his body trembling, as if he wasn't used to being held so intimately.
While other children had been with their mothers since birth, my child had no one to hold him. While other kids were being mischievous, he had been forced to grow up too fast. I had thought leaving him in Vernal would give him a happy life. Had I been wrong?
Guilt and heartache tore at me. I gently patted his back, realizing what this child needed most right now was companionship. From Elias and from me.
"You haven't done anything wrong, and no one dislikes you." I made up my mind, put on a smile, and dropped the subject ofsending him back. "Would you like to go out and have fun with me?"
He lifted his head from my shoulder, his eyes still wet. "Go out and have fun?"
"Yes. Like an amusement park or a park. Do you like ice cream? I'll buy you some tomorrow. How does that sound?"
"Really?" His face lit up instantly. "Yes! I want to go!"
I relaxed at his smile. "Then it's a deal!"
All the childhood joy and companionship this child had missed, I, his mother, would make up for it.
Early the next morning, I took Arian to the small amusement park in town. There weren't many rides, but Arian had the time of his life. He sat on the carousel, clutching the giant ice cream cone I had bought him, laughing happily. All that premature maturity melted away from his young face, and he finally looked like the four-year-old he was supposed to be.
I kept him entertained from morning until dark. When the park closed at dusk, Arian was exhausted, so I carried him on my back as we headed home.
The setting sun stretched our shadows long, as if the road home was endless too.
Arian suddenly whispered, "I wish you were my mommy."
My steps faltered.
"Why do you say that?"
"Because you're gentle and pretty. You make yummy sandwiches and play with me." He nuzzled his head against my shoulder."And you won't be nice to me in front of Daddy but mean to me behind his back."
His words startled me. "Someone does that to you? Who?"
Arian nodded. "An aunt named Liv. She always wants me to call her Mommy and do what she says. She says my real mommy doesn't like me; that's why she left me and Daddy…"
Liv? How could she say such things to a child!
A rage I had never felt before surged through me, not just at Liv, but at Elias too. Regret flooded back. Maybe I shouldn't have left this child in Vernal. If only I had taken him with me.
But no matter how I thought about it, that had been impossible. In the end, I was the one who had abandoned him first. All that anger instantly turned into guilt.
