He lifted an eyebrow, calling me out without saying a word. "Uh huh."
I just waved him down. "Seriously. I understand why I'm being pushed back, so I'm ok. No, I'm not good. There's still this fear in the back of my head that I'm going to fuck this all up, and I know this is my second chance, and that I won't get a third. So, I'm taking it slow."
"You and Ash sort out all your shit?" he asked, the words much too casual.
I scoffed. "No. We've sorted out a lot, butall? Adding Violet and Luke to the mix just piles on, but it's working."
Darnell ran his tongue across his teeth behind his lips, and his dark eyes watched me a little too carefully. "How are things going with her?"
"I'm an idiot with her," I said around a laugh. "Man, I don't even get it. The sex is great, but initiating it? Darnell, I suck at that. She's not a man, and while she's just as strong, I don't know how to be subtle. This? It's a whole lot of subtle."
"So take the next two weeks and figure out shit with Ash," he suggested. "I know you two are fucking again, but that's not the same as loving. Stop letting him put his dick in you all the time and start talking, maybe?"
"We talk," I insisted.
"About you two, not those two," he corrected. "Cy, you take that man for granted, and I know damned well that he does the same back. That's a damned recipe for disaster. Ash doesn't know how to do anything anymore but make Violet happy. You? You run at the first sign of trouble because it's easier."
"I do not," I assured him. "Not always."
Again, he lifted that brow and gave me that look. "Right. Is that what you're telling yourself? Because it's bullshit. When you saw Kindle with that guy, what did you do?"
"He was cheating on me," I reminded Darnell.
"But what was your first damned reaction?" he pressed. "It wasn't to ask him why. It wasn't even to punch him in the face. You fucking ran, Cy. You moved out and quit your fucking job!"
"It was a shit job," I reminded him. "I promise that I never wanted to work in a jail. I just needed the work experience, and they liked that I'm big enough to take no shit from inmates."
"Uh huh," he said again. "You fucking ran. When Ash said he was leaving, you couldn't, so you shoved him away. Don't fucking do that here, brother. Luke's starting to pull his head out of his ass, and if you try it with him, he'll get lost in Violet and Ash. You gotta accept that this shit is hard, and with Faith involved, it's gonna get messy, but I think y'all can do it."
"She's a good kid," I said.
He nodded. "She is, and she loves her daddy. She kinda worships Violet. How do you think she's going to feel if you try to steal her idol away from her father? Or if you try to steal her daddy away from the woman she wants to be?"
"Trust me, I know," I said. "That little girl's whole world is based on what her dad thinks of her. She's never had another milestone to measure herself by, and he always makes her feel like she's amazing. Her mother just tears her down, and while she doesn't understand why, she knows that she doesn't like how it feels."
"You're good for her too," Darnell assured me. "She trusts you, Cy."
"And when she finds out that I want to sleep with her father?" I asked. "Luke's right. Faith is trying very hard to be accepting, but in her head, she has this idea of her dad marrying someone - right now it's Violet - and her having a 'real family.' I mean, she hasn't said it outright, but it's there. She's hoping for some miracle that will fix all her issues, and since her dad is her hero, she's just put those things together."
"It's TV," Darnell said. "We grow up seeing happy families with a mom and a dad, and we think that's the secret ingredient, you know? If my father was still around, then maybe mom would stop using. If she had a good husband, then she wouldn't be so upset all the time. On the screen, it's all so easy, but real life's not a sitcom."
"Nope," I agreed. "I just keep thinking about something he said when we were riding. If he wins this case, this doesn't end." I looked over at my friend. "Darnell, if Faith moves in permanently, we're not going to be able to go back to what we had. Not for a very long time. We'll have to teach her that this isn't cheating first. Her mother has her so fucked up about relationships. A woman's place, and all that shit."
"Violet's helping," Darnell promised.
I nodded in agreement. "A lot, actually, but that makes this even harder. In her eyes, her father is dating the best woman in the whole world. Going from that to me?"
He reached over and grabbed my foot. "You're a pretty amazing guy, though, Cy."
"And I'm not Faith's inspiration. I just..."
"There it is," Darnell said softly. "I knew there was a little something going on."
I huffed out a laugh and nodded. "I like that man too much. For a minute there, I honestly believed that it was all gonna work out, and then reality smacked me upside the head, and now all I can think is that this would be so much easier for Luke if he walked away from us. All his problems come right back toourmess. If he got himself a nice little place in town, worked here, and let us do our thing, he'd get Faith without an issue."
"He still has that arrest," Darnell reminded me.
"Because of us," I snapped. "Don't you get it? He jumped in because he'd slept with Ash. He didn't even consider the implications. He just knew that his lover was getting beat on, and he waded in. We pushed. Fuck, he was happy with just women until I kissed him. I'm fucking this shit up, Darnell. I keep telling myself that we're friends. Same as you and me. You're a good-looking man, and I can keep my hands off, so I can do this."
