He nodded again, but it was a little more timid. "Does it hurt?"
"It can," I admitted. "There's something about letting someone else into your body that's so intimate, though. It allows you to be vulnerable. To give, and there's no other way to explain it. There's a feeling of surrender that I crave."
"Oh, not the dominant one in bed, huh?" He tried to make it a joke, but his voice was a little too soft for it to work.
Nerves, I realized. He'd been raised that men didn't talk about this. They had to be confident and powerful or they were weak. This? It was all about vulnerability, and yet he was still here talking to me about it. I owed it to him to be honest.
"I can be. I have no problem with throwing a lover where I want and taking what I need." I paused to lick my lips, trying to find the right words. "But that's when it's a fuck. When there are emotions involved? When I can trust the man I'm with? I..." My mind slipped back to all those nights I'd spent in Ash's arms. Then Luke after him, and the few times I'd been with Cy. "It's bravado, Luke. I take charge when I'm scared of losing control. When I'm not? I love the feeling of shelter I can find in a man's arms. Some men's arms."
"Ash's," he realized.
"And you, and Cy. I don't think that makes me weak. I think it means that I'm strong enough to trust. I know that none of you will hurt me. I know that for just a moment, I can let go completely, and that's the hardest thing in the world for me. I like the chance to be taken care of, and to feel like I'm something to treasure. I get off on the power of my man, as if he's proving to me that he's enough, and I'm just letting him."
"But does it hurt?" he asked. "I know some people get off on pain and shit. That's not what I'm asking. Vi, Ash did something to me in the shower. His hand, my ass, and it rocked my fucking world. I fucked him after that, and he looked like it felt so good, but all I can think is that it's so easy to hurt a girl, and I'm a bit nervous."
"It can," I said again. "If he tries to cram it in without waiting for me to be ready? And the more nervous you are, the less ready your body will be. Too tight isn't that good, Luke. Lube helps, but those two? They won't hurt you. They'll take their time, make sure you're ready, and be gentle."
"It's weird to think about," he admitted. "Like, I'm fucking hard just talking about it, but at the same time, I keep thinking that letting some guy do that to me makes me a pussy."
I laughed, because he'd just confirmed my suspicions. "So, you think Ash is a weak man?"
"No!" Then he paused. "Oh." Because it seemed he'd just remembered that he'd fucked Ash up the ass, and that man was not the kind of guy to push around.
"Yeah," I agreed. "Pretty sure you don't think Cy's some pussy, and I promise that man has no problem being a bottom. I've seen Ash grab him by the throat from behind, reach around - " I stopped when Luke's eyes got wider.
"Oh, he's one of those, huh?" Luke asked.
"Which he?"
"Ash," he clarified. "Sounds like he's been babying me."
"He can be gentle too," I admitted, realizing what Luke meant about this being a little weird. "Ash has a way of knowing what I need. He's sweet and sensual sometimes, and so damned dominant when I need that. He's left bruises, which pissed off the photographers. He's also kissed all of them to make them better. He takes care of me, Luke."
"I want to do the same." He spoke the words like a promise. "Violet, I really don't know what I'm doing, and all my life, I've been told that this kind of thing isn't possible, but I want it. You, them, and everything. Watching you today with Faith? The way you swung your legs to match her at church? How you include her in the conversations you have? I..." He caught my hand. "I never thought I could have that. And now I have Ash making her a college fund, and Cy walking out into the pasture to sit with her for over an hour? It's like..."
"You don't have to do it alone," I finished for him.
He nodded. "Yeah, but this? If I get custody of her, I don't know how that's going to change us. I also don't have any other choice. I want her to grow up and be this strong, powerful woman, and around here there are examples. Her mom wants her to be pretty and get a husband. I want her to dream big and reach for the stars. Her mom wants her to be skinny."
"We can worry about that when you get custody," I assured him.
"No," he insisted. "I'm worried about it now. Why am I playing with Cy's heart if I'm not willing to follow through? Why am I in love with Ash if I'm going to have to call it all off? You? I'm fucking keeping you, even if I have to explain to my daughter what an open relationship means, but..."
"You're worried she won't understand?" I asked.
He nodded. "She's seen Ash and Cy kissing one time. And it stopped the moment she walked around the corner, so I'm not real sure how much she saw."
"She also doesn't care," I reminded him. "She adores them, and she's a good little ally."
"But I'm herdad," he countered. "That does change things. What does she call Ash? Dad? Don't think so. That's me. You can be her stepmom. I mean, if things get that far, and I'm not trying to - "
"I know what you mean," I assured him before he could start rambling too bad.
"And how does she explain that to her friends?"
"That's my dad," I explained, "and that's his girlfriend. Those are his close friends."
"Special friends," Luke muttered. "That's what people said about Vera and Bea."
