Because I didn't want him to think that just because someone had a color that it made them harmless. Often, our colors were proof that we could bite back. The fact that Blaze was the most dangerous of us all? I'd be happiest if Luke and he never had a reason to get close.
"But you're in a field where your brand of insanity is accepted," he pointed out. "So is Ash, Cy, and even me. Those ladies directed us to a path that fit us - not their plans for us. It's no different than what you're doing for Faith! You've taught her how to be more accepting than I ever could. You opened my eyes, and you made me feel like it's ok to be an idiot. Ash made me proud of the things I do know without tearing me down for the ones I don't. That's why Southwind is special, Violet, and I don't want to take advantage of that, but if it means keeping Faith?"
"Then I'll pull out all the stops," I promised. "ButIdeal with Billy. I'll pay his price, and I know he'll give me a fair one. Most likely, it'll be an alibi from one of the colors. Things like that. I don't want to put anyone in that position, but I'll do it, becausethatis what he needs. And if we're lucky, the moment Cobalt gets involved, everything will go away."
"What the hell do I do if it doesn't?" he asked, and for the first time in weeks, I heard true fear in his voice.
Unfortunately, I didn't know. He'd told me all about his talk with Mike. I wasn't shocked, though. Yeah, I was a little pissed off that Simmons thought I'd run away if a guy dumped me, but it was pretty much what I expected from him. The bigger problem was that there were so many things coming together, and we were the ones in the middle who'd pay the price.
"Luke, somehow, we will make this work," I swore.
He just pulled in a deep breath. "Yeah. And Cess keeps saying that the tapes will help, and the fact that Faith wants to live with me is all that really matters. So long as I'm not seen as unfit, this will work. I'm just not used to being used like this. I spent my life feeding cattle and making enough to take care of my daughter. It's all I know."
"That's the thing with people like Paul Simmons," I explained. "They forget that the pieces they're trying to move around the chessboard are real people with real lives and real feelings." I placed my other hand over his. "Southwind's moving forward. Faith wants to live with us more than anything else. We're working on the arrest charge, and you can't forget that Meredith moved her daughter in with a man who was distributing child porn. She may have annulled the marriage, but she still put Faith in danger, and that's one thing you've never done."
"Yeah," he admitted. "Unless you consider our mess."
Our relationship, he meant. All four of us. I also didn't see a damned thing wrong with what we were doing, and my gut said that Faith would be ok with it. Was it traditional? Not at all, and the court would probably hate it, but thisworkedfor us.
"She doesn't know," I reminded him. "And her best friend is gay, Luke."
"Whole different thing between a friend and a dad." He huffed a laugh. "She wants us to get married. She wants you to be her stepmom so bad. I keep telling her to give me a little time, you know? The last thing I need is Meredith trying to say we got married for custody."
And I caught what he didn't say: he wasn't opposed to the idea. He hadn't put any pressure on me, but Luke had just brought up the subject smoothly, giving me the opening to say I wasn't interested at all, or to mention how I had some other goal I wanted first. Although, since I'd moved here, all of my priorities had changed.
"Poly marriages aren't legal," I pointed out.
"Yeah, that does put a damper on things," he agreed.
I just leaned into him, resting my head on his shoulder, and shifted the subject a bit. "I've been thinking about modeling a lot lately. More since Faith moved in, if I'm honest."
"Gonna go on another tour?" he asked.
"Nope." I paused, seeing the kids riding out the back of the barn. "There they go."
"Oh, that boy's going to be hurting tomorrow," Luke groaned. "He's a good sport, though." Then he looked at me. "So what were you thinking about modeling?"
"That I'm going to scale back to just Risqué. I've been eating, you know. Not just once a day, either. I'm going to put on weight, and most companies will tell me to lose it again, but I don'twantto!"
"Good," he said. "I don't care how much you weigh. I know you don't believe me, but I honestly don't. I like the woman I met, not the girl on the billboards."
"But that's the thing," I told him. "I honestly believe you. I also know that Faith is always watching what I do, and that matters more than anything else. I want to be a good example, and I can't stop thinking about what you said. How I shouldn't retire. I should be a role model, not just a fashion model."
"Yeah?" he asked.
I nodded. "I want to run Southwind. I want to become Gran one day. Ash can be Gramps. You can be Paw-paw or something. I think Cy should be Grampa. I want to pose with belly rolls and let women see that it's normal. I want to let Ash take my pictures and go on some talk show and discuss how unrealistic the fashion industry is." I turned to look up at him. "Luke, I want to change the world, and I want to do it from right here."
"I think you kinda are," he said. "Step by step. I mean, you changedmyworld." Then he let go of my hand and stood. "And we have to move to the other end of the house, because those kids are on thousand-pound animals, and I want to know if we need to call an ambulance."
"We have a doctor in the house," I reminded him, but I pointed for him to go, and I followed. When we reached the far side of the house, both of us moved to the sliver of shade, which meant leaning against the wall. "Do you really think she'd hate you?" I asked.
He shrugged. "I know that she's trying hard to learn new things. I also know that all she's heard for her entire life is that I should've married her mother. If I did, it would make us a 'real family,' and things like that. Vi, I'm ready to come out. I'm not scared of what Simmons or Meredith might say. I don't care about the people at the grill or feed store. There's one reason and one reason only that I'm still sitting in the closet, trying to act like a straight man." And he pointed down to the field where the kids were wandering side by side.
"Are you ever going to bereadyto tell her?" I asked, making it clear I wasn't asking about if he would or not. That was very different from being ready to do it. "Before you answer, know that 'no' is allowed."
"I'm honestly just waiting for this custody thing to be done," he promised. "I'm also expecting it to get a whole lot harder before it gets easy, though. I pissed off the wrong people, and Simmons is going to make me pay for that."
"I'm still meaner than that man," I reminded him.
