"I never gave them the chance," I promised. "Plenty of men tried. I always stepped in and shoved my tongue down her throat. Pissed her off sometimes, but I didn't care. She was so sure that this one was going to be her next big chance, but she didn't realize how it works. I kept thinking about the things you said happened to you, and yeah. I didn't want her to have to live with that."
"Thanks," he said, then waved it away. "Not that you did it for me, but that you did it for her. After everything else she's had to deal with, I'm pretty sure she would've finally checked out if she got raped."
"Yeah," I agreed. "So what about us?"
"What about us?" he asked back.
"Don't do that shit," I laughed. "Cy, I've been to as many shrinks as you have. I know those questions, and I can avoid them."
"Better than most, actually," he admitted, "because that was a pretty good diversion. But honestly, Ash. Where do I stand with you?"
"Where do I stand with you?" I countered.
"Middle of my heart." He looked away, his eyes finding anything else to keep them busy. "May not be what you want to hear, but I still love you. And I hate you, and I missed you as much as I did her. I miss how easy it was. How we could go from all to nothing, then right back to all. I miss knowing that no matter what shit I started, you'd be there to have my back."
"I'm gonna be an ass about it," I warned him. "Not because I want to, but because it's a habit. Cy, you hurt me. All I wanted was for you to be proud of me, and then you were making me feel like..." I stopped, unable to find the right words. "I was straight, and then I was yours, and I didn't know how that fit when I wasn't."
"Yeah," he said, but the regret dripped from it. "I never really had the chance to worry about that. I never even considered it." Finally, he turned his eyes back to me. "I'm so fucking sorry, Ash. If I could go back, I would. I'd tell that boy that his true love will be back. I'd convince myself that a few years was nothing. And I would've said what I really thought, that of course you were going to be a model. You're so beautiful that they'd have to be blind to miss it. That you would take the world, twist it to your will, and make something out of it. I'd beg you to take care of her, and to call me in every new town. I'd also tell you that I really did love you."
I had to reach up to wipe at an eye. "I should've told you that I was just trying to keep up," I mumbled. "Instead, I made you feel like a piece of shit. I hurt, so I wanted you to hurt more, and I made sure it happened." I blew out a breath and blinked my eyes. "Dust."
"It is a barn," he agreed.
I laughed at that. "Yeah. And when I said I was only with you because I needed someone to suck me off and you were the only one willing to open wide?" I swallowed. "That's because it was what I was most scared of, that it was how you felt about me. I wanted to say it to you before you could get it out."
"Wasn't how I felt," he promised.
"Me either," I admitted. "I was just too proud to tell you that all I wanted was to be yours. You made me feel like I was worth something, and you're the first person who did. Violet was the second."
"And Gran," he added. "Yeah." Then he pushed out a wry laugh. "I should probably tell Vi that I chased off her boyfriend, but I have no idea how to do that."
"Blame me," I said. "I've already screwed up with Luke once. She won't think anything of it, and she can't stay mad at me for too long."
"And him?" he asked, rocking forward to clasp his arms around his knees again. "I fucking kissed him, Ash. I mean, I wanted to, but I knew better. I should probably send him a text to make sure he's ok, huh?"
"Nope. Cy, you can't be both the problem and the solution. Didn't they teach you that in school?"
He shrugged. "Prolly, but that was a while ago. How do I fix this?"
"What fix are you looking for?" I asked. "You want him to fall into your bed? And how are you going to explain to Vi that you stole another man from her?"
"Tell her she stole one from me?" He offered me a weak smile but shook his head. "No. Seems I'm just shit at this. I fucked it up with you, with her, and just when I thought Luke and I had an understanding, I crapped all over it. Was kinda nice to have a friend again. And I already told Vi I have a crush on her guy, so that makes it even worse."
"On Luke?"
His head jerked up. "Shit, that was insensitive."
"And we broke up thirteen years ago. Pretty sure I can take it. Talk to me, Cy? For once, justtalkto me?"
He rocked to his feet and gestured for me to move over. "Ok." Then he claimed the spot beside me and leaned over his knees. "I showed up, and the neighbor was being a dick, so she kissed me - and Luke didn't care. That night, I almost kissed her in the pool. Only reason I didn't was because I was trying to get her to finally grieve. Then Luke and I started talking, and I just... He makes me feel something, and it's been a long time. So, the more I reminded myself that she's off limits, the more I ended up thinking about him. And the next day, he told me to kiss her, and I did. For the first time, I kissed that woman, and my fucking knees went weak. And there he is, not even ashamed that he's grabbing his dick. I'm standing in the kitchen with the woman of my dreams in my arms and this gorgeous man looking at me like he wants to start licking something."
"And if he did?" I asked.
"He's with her," Cy reminded me - as if I could forget.
"Follow me for a minute?" I begged, thinking about what Leslie had said. "He wanted you to kiss her, and he liked it. She told me she liked the kiss. You're two for two. What if he was interested in a threesome? Would you?"
"Without hesitation," he assured me. "You? I mean, I know I'm not the only man you've been with."
