Jodie hesitates for a moment before bowing her head. Somewhere amidst the blessing over the meal, a warm shoulder leans against mine. Stubble rubs against my ear getting tangled with my hair as Dean whispers to me, so quietly I can’t help but bend closer so I can hear him, “Rule number four, darlin’.” I hear the smirk in his words, feel the tilt of his lips as they brush my skin, but keep my head bowed and eyes closed. Trying to ignore the butterflies coming to life in my belly.
As the prayer ends, I watch in awe as the family around me chats about their upcoming day on the ranch, cattle needing to be pushed from one pasture to the other, the broken fence a couple acres to the west that needs fixing, then shifting to the upcoming wedding of Owen and Vivi. A plate of crepes is passed to me and I take it, nodding my thanks before placing a couple on my plate and filling them with the berries from the garden. Conversation surrounds me and I’m grateful for the distraction.Grabbing a piece of bacon from the plate Dean holds out to me, I pop a bite in my mouth. For a split second, the taste explodes across my tongue and I fight back a moan at the familiar taste. In an instant, that joy vanishes and my stomach roils uncomfortably. My forehead breaks out in a cold sweat as I fight back the nausea quickly building.
“Hannah, sugar. Will you help me outside for a moment?” Jodie’s voice breaks through my torture and I nod instantly, grateful for the excuse to rush away from all the smells in front of me. As quickly as I can, I rush around the table and slip out the back door, hearing Dean stand from his chair and praying he doesn’t follow me. Right before I double over and dry heave into the rosebush that lines the back porch, I hear Jodie give a stern warning to sit back down.
A tender hand rests along my back, rubbing soothingly up and down as I wipe my mouth with my hand and inhale through my nose and out my mouth a few times settling my stomach.
“How far along are you?” Jodie asks as I stand, keeping her hand on my back. I lift my eyes and stare at her, a mix of anxiety and embarrassment sweeping over me. Shaking my head slowly, I turn to face her. Before I can stop it, a flood of tears run down my cheeks and I’m sobbing, throwing myself into her arms. I can’t quite explain why, but she feels like a safe place for me. I’ve only known this woman for less than an hour, but she already feels like someone who I can fall into when I need that comfort that only a mother can bring. Her arms wrap around me and her smell of spice and vanilla picks up a broken piece of my heart and puts it back into place. Calmly, she loops an arm around my waist and walks me around the side of the house. I hear a latch unlock and a rusty gate swings open into one of the most gorgeous gardens I’ve ever laid eyes on. A pebble walkway splits it in two sections with wide stepping stones between multiple raised planter boxes. Jodie releases me, bending down to snap alavender stem between her fingers. Standing back up, she passes it to me before putting her arm back around me.
Bringing the purple blossom to my nose, I inhale deeply, letting the calming scent relax my nerves and settle my rolling stomach. I listen intently as she walks me around the gated garden pointing out each blossom and vine. We munch on freshly picked strawberries as we round the last box and settle onto a wood bench in the corner. “How did you know?” I ask, keeping my eyes on the half-eaten berry in my hand.
She lets out a soft chuckle before turning to look towards the house. “Those boys have been a pain in my ass since before I pushed them into this world.” Plucking the stem off and popping the rest of the strawberry into my mouth, I laugh as I chew. “Feral as boys, wild as men, but even inside they just wanted out into this world. I was sick as a dog with both of them, so I knew something didn’t seem right when I saw your face go pale at the table.”
Placing my cool hands on my flaming cheeks, I glance over at her. “I’m still early on. Only Owen knows, though.” I give a shaking laugh, her smile is soft. “He set me up with an appointment later this morning.”
“Good, sugar.”
“Please don’t tell Dean!” I blurt out, then pinch my lips closed, a fresh wave of embarrassment pulling me under again. “We’re…working through things and I want it to be right.”
She pats my knee and smiles brightly at me, “It’s not my secret to tell.” I feel her eyes on me. I turn towards her, expecting to see her judgement in her eyes and her mouth open ready to give me an earful. But instead, she reaches her arm around me and pulls me into her side. “Is there anything else you want to talk about?” I lean into her, contemplating telling her how I feel, how I want Dean so badly but I’m scared. Scared to let him in, scared he’ll run even though deep down I know he won’t. Scaredthat if I let someone in, I’m opening myself up to feeling that loss I felt when my parents died. Scared to prove myself wrong that love is what I’ve needed all along.
Taking a deep breath, I let it out in a rush. “There is so much on my mind. So much I need to say, but it’s not fair of me to wade through that with you. Dean just walked back into your life and I don’t need to burden you with my own conflicting feelings. You’ve raised an incredible man, one that I would be a fool to deny how in love with him I am. But I’ve been through so much grief in my life I need to make sure I’m all in here,” I point at my head, “and here.” I rest my palm on my heart. “I love your family, and know that you’ll always be a part of my life. I’m just not ready to open up about our problems to someone who clearly loves him so dearly.”
“I understand that.” Her hand pulls me closer into her. “And I’m here if you ever need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to bend. I know better than anyone how infuriating the male species can be. You hear me?” My head bobs up and down rapidly, but she points a finger at me, her face going stern, but a hint of a smile still resting on her lips “But sugar, I see the way that boy looks at you. There isn’t anything you could do that would make him push you away.” I’m speechless, so I just bite my lip and look back over the garden in front of me. “He may have a restless spirit, but I’d bet my favorite horse that you might be the one to break him.” And with that, she gives my knee another squeeze before standing and leaving me sitting there to stew in my thoughts.
My phone pings in my pocket, and I pull it out looking at the appointment reminder on my screen. It’s not until I’m halfway into town that I remember Dean can track my location. Digging deep, I try to make myself get angry at his invasion of privacy. At the next red light, I sit back heavily in the seat. No matter how hard I pretend, I can’t be upset with him. When was the last timesomeone cared enough to keep an eye on me, make sure I was safe, save me from freezing to death or whatever else would have happened to me if he hadn’t shown up when he did? I swipe into his contact and click the red letters, effectively disconnecting him from my every move. This is not the way for him to find out we’re expecting a baby. And if I know Dean, it won’t be long before he finds a way to turn it back on again. A couple minutes later, I pull into the parking lot of the address Owen gave me, take a few deep breaths, then step out of my truck and head inside.
I don’t know what I really expected it to look like, maybe oversized prints of babies hanging on the walls and photographs of happy looking couples holding their baby between them. I do love Dean, deep down I know that, but my emotions are all over the place. I’ve been on my own for so long, the idea of being tethered to someone, even if that someone is Dean, still makes me feel like running. And not to mention the fear of losing someone that I love again. I don’t realize I’ve been rubbing my stomach until my name is called, pulling me from my anxious thoughts. Following the short blonde dressed in scrubs down the hallway, I try to take controlled breaths, attempting to calm my racing heart.
My body moves on auto pilot as I strip out of my jeans and boots, hopping up on the table and covering myself with the white sheet. It doesn’t take too long before a woman knocks on the door stepping in and softly closing it behind her.
“Hi, Hannah.” Her voice is so calm and reassuring that I want to break down and cry. “I’m Tammy.”
It takes me a few tries to clear the ball of emotion from my throat. “Thank you for seeing me so quickly.”
“Of course! Now Owen gave me a little bit of information, but of course I want to hear it from you.” Taking a seat on the rolling stool, Tammy places her hands in her lap and looks up at mewith kind eyes. For a moment, I stare back at her, unsure what to say. Finally, I toss my head back and start from the beginning. “I honestly didn’t foresee Dean and I becoming anything more than just a summer fling, and I really should have thought about the unprotected sex!” I say angrily, running a hand over my face.
“Hannah.” Tammy scoots closer to me, taking my hand in hers. “There are options for you if this isn’t what you want.”
Shaking my head, I sit up and turn towards her. “I do. I really do.” I make myself meet her gaze. “I didn’t know how much I wanted to have a family until I found out about the baby.” She listens intently while I tell her about my parents’ death, and before I know it, I’m sobbing in front of this stranger who feels like a friend I’ve known my entire life. It’s strange to me to open up to someone I just met, but the words I wanted to say to Jodie, but couldn’t, seem so much easier to say to someone who isn’t so close to the situation.
“Tell me what you love about Dean. It’s obvious you see a future with him, although that may not look so clear while you’re in the thick of it.”
Tammy holds out a tissue to me and I take it offering her a kind smile that I’m sure looks a bit unhinged through my tear stained face. “Ah, that man.” I wipe another tear off my cheek, not even trying to fight the smile that fills my face. “Something about him just draws me to him. Like he knows my every intention without me telling him. He knows when I need him and when I need my space. He makes me feel worthy and capable. Dean never challenges me or questions me when it comes to my dreams and goals. He’s supportive in that quiet kind of way, as if he knows I’m competent enough to handle myself. It’s refreshing to have a partner who can be supportive yet still push you to be your best.”
“Hold on to that, Hannah. It’s rare to find someone who echoes your inner self.” We sit for a moment before Tammymotions for me to lie down and walks me through the next steps. “First, we looked over the bloodwork we took while you were waiting. I’m so sorry you experienced what you did last night.” I open my mouth but she rests her hand on mine, “I don’t know all the details and it’s best that way. But we don’t see any of the drug remaining in your system, which means that most likely it didn’t have any effect on your baby. But I do want to take a little peek to make sure everything looks good on the scan and then I’ll send you with some papers about what to expect before we meet again.”
I can’t help but bite my lip nervously while Tammy wheels over the ultrasound cart and squeezes the clear jelly on my stomach. Time seems to slow down as I watch the wand move over my stomach, ears straining for any sound. A steadythump, thump, thumpfills the room and my hands instantly fly to my mouth, a tiny little flicker filling the screen.
“There we go,” Tammy says through a smile, pointing out the tiny heart beginning to grow inside me. “It’ll be a while before your baby looks like anything but a jelly bean, but everything looks fantastic. I’ll add to your notes to keep an eye on any lasting effects from last night, but from this first look I’d say everything is golden.”
Tears continued to stream down my face well after I gave Tammy a fierce hug and tucked the papers into my bag. I stare at the black and white scans in my hand from my seat in my truck, letting the cool air conditioning dry my face. Running a hand over the picture of my baby, I feel something click inside me. Something that just feels complete, whole.
dean
“Hannah?”I toe my boots off at the front door and nearly trip over them in my rush across the wood floors. My mom came back inside after what felt like hours, my knees bruised from how hard they bounced against the bottom of the table. It took everything in me to keep my ass in my chair and not follow them outside. Owen tried to keep me distracted by giving me a rundown of his and Vivi’s wedding, but after a few short one word answers, he caught the drift and moved on to Dad, leaving me to stew in my own thoughts about what my mom was out there saying to my woman.
I call for her again, met only by the music playing quietly from the living room TV. I turn down the hall to the master bedroom and rap my knuckles twice on the door. After a second, turn the handle and step inside. The air smells like her, soft and calm, like the air right before it rains. “Darlin’, you in here?” Nothing. Stepping back into the hall, I pull my phone from my back pocket and pull up her contact, then click her location. My eyes can’t stop reading the small words at the bottom of our text thread.Hannah Harlow stopped sharing their locationwith you.Tossing my phone on the counter of the kitchen, I’m running a hand through my hair, tugging it in frustration when my front door opens. My heart pounds in my ears as I take two steps into the living room to get a clear look at the front door.
