“Why did you pick me up that night?”
He’s quiet for a while before he responds. “Darlin’, I’m sure you know by now there isn’t much I wouldn’t do for you.” Another long pause, and I count the seconds that pass by with the steady beating of my heart. “Even back then something pulled me to you. I left a piece of my heart with you in that ambulance that night, and I never fully got it back until they announced your name on your first ride back.” My heart pounds against my chest like it’s trying to break through and run to him. His words stoke that fire in my heart that I’ve long since put out. A slow tear falls from my eyes and lands against his bare chest. If he feels it, he doesn’t bring any attention to it. No other words are spoken, just the sound of the crickets outside the open screen door and the breeze moving through the trees.
The days pass in a blur. I’ve never wanted to stay in one place for as long as I do right now. We spent our time off eating breakfast across from each other at the large wood table then taking the horses out on a new trail, marveling at the beauty around us. It became more frequent that I’d look over at Dean and catch him staring at me in a way that had my stomach flipping and heart rate picking up to a concerning rate. Those butterflies never ceased to flutter uncontrollably when he turnedthose gray-blue eyes on me. In the evenings, we’d cook dinner together and settle on the couch to watch trashy TV. We never lasted long on that couch before I’d climb in his lap and his tongue would claim my mouth. I don’t remember a time where I’ve been as content as I have been these past few days, and the weight of it all crashing around me has my eyes stinging with tears.
The morning I need to leave, we pack and dress in our usual comfortable silence. I watch him from the corner of my eye as he meticulously folds his clothes, packing his bag like it’s a game of Tetris. My stomach is in knots with anxiety. We haven't spoken about when we’ll see each other next. I want to know where he’ll be, I want to ask for his number. Even after the way he looked into my eyes with such determination when he told me he’d put a baby in me one day. And the way that sex doesn’t feel like fucking anymore. But there is still a piece of me that doubts his feelings are real. Maybe he just said those things so we wouldn’t have to feel awkward while staying in the same bed these past few days.
I’m so lost in my thoughts that I don’t feel him come up behind me and circle me in his arms. I sag against him, powerless to him every time he touches me.
“Are you ready for this weekend?” I nod, but don’t say anything, cherishing the way his arms feel wrapped around me.
“Yeah, it should be a good ride.”
“Hell yeah, it will.” He gives my ass a tap then turns back to his bag.
“Where are you headed?” I try to sound casual, but my voice comes out all high pitched. He looks over at me, one side of his mouth tipping up.
“Colorado,” he says with a shrug.
“Wh-Wait, where in Colorado?” I ask, taking a step in his direction.
He turns, leaning one shoulder against the dresser and crossing his ankles.
“Evergreen,” he says, his eyes lighting up and overtaking his usually stoic face.
My jaw drops open. “Evergreen? That’s where I’ll be.”
“I know, darlin’,” he says with another shrug, those eyes never leaving mine.
“How did you know that?” I ask, taking another step towards him.
“I have my ways to keep an eye on you, baby.”
The space between us disappears, my arm circling his waist. If he’s where I’ll be, then I don’t need his number. Not yet, at least. The moment I save him in my phone, I’ll be crossing into dangerous territory.
“Will your family be there?” I remember the news article saying that he is originally from Colorado. The thought of meeting his family and getting an insight into who raised him excites me. Instead, his body stiffens, his arms falling away when he turns back to his bag, zipping it up roughly.
“They aren’t around anymore.” The words are filled with pain, and I pull him against me again, squeezing him tight. I know he doesn't want to talk about it, so I don’t push him to tell me more. But I want him to know that I can relate to the pain of losing my family.
“I’m so sorry, Dean. I wish I could say that the pain gets better as time goes by, but there will always be a part of me that died along with my parents.”Why doesn’t he hold me back? Is the loss still too fresh, still too painful to come to terms with?So I leave him with a simple, “I’m here for you, for as long as you need it.”
With a swift kiss to the place on my temple that turns me to mush every time, he turns, leaving me standing in the room we hardly left these past few days. Numbly, I grab my bag, foldinganother pair of jeans and neatly placing it inside before zipping it closed. I give the room one last look, reliving each night we laid beside each other, every kiss and moan that somehow dug this man deeper beneath my skin. The silence between us had shifted into an uncomfortable quiet while we lock up, and he walks me to the door of my truck without speaking another word. I’m not sure what happened to his family, but clearly it’s recent enough that he hasn’t settled with it yet. Outside against the door of my truck, Dean finally pulls me back into his chest. “Well, I guess I’ll see you in Evergreen,” I say, resting my chin against his chest to look up into his eyes.
“I’ll be there, baby.” His beard tickles my nose as he rests his forehead against mine.
dean
The closer Iget to Colorado, the quicker my heart beats. It’s like this every summer, driving down familiar highways and roads that remind me of better days. Days when I didn’t do a double take at the driver of every truck the same color as my dad’s. I can’t really avoid the entire state if I want to keep my top spot, so I endure the nausea that sits heavy while I’m here. I make my trips short, arriving just before check-in and leaving the instant I step off the stage after collecting my check. In the beginning, I’d see my parents sitting in the stands. I wouldn’t acknowledge them, but I felt their eyes on me, heard my dad cheering me on. I’m sure if I still had the same number, it would be blowing up with calls and texts. But I changed it after they tried to corner me one summer on my way out of the arena in Boulder. The sadness on their faces reflected in my side mirror as I drove away still haunts me. It’s irrational of me to hold on to this pride after all these years. I know they aren’t getting any younger, and I’ve missed out on more than I ever planned to. It’s just easier, after all this time, to detach. They don’t deserve a son like me. Owen is the son they deserve.
Memories of this past week with Hannah are the only thing keeping me from turning around and skipping my ride tonight. Some semblance of happiness and peace sound reasonable with her. I already told her I plan to get her pregnant at some point, and she didn’t so much as flinch. I saw that dream in her eyes, a dream that we both share but are too afraid to grasp it and pull it into reality. We both know that pain of losing something we held so tightly, and it may not be worth it to take that risk again. If I could just get her to break her three rules, then maybe it would be a more realistic possibility. But the fact that I wasn’t completely honest with her earlier about my family is bound to bite me in the ass down the road.
Evergreen next two exits.I pull off a moment later, making sure Hannah is still visible in my side mirrors, then take the left that will lead me into the arena parking lot. I shake my head when Hannah parks her truck and trailer a few spots down from me.Rule number three, no one can know about us.Seeing as Kasey and Mallory had a front row seat to our secret romance the other night, I shift my truck back into drive, circle the lot, and pull in right next to her. I smile when I look out my passenger window and see her with her head in her hands behind her window. I make quick work of shutting the truck off and hopping out of my door before circling the hood, tapping on her window. Eyeing the filling lot around us, she gives me an irritated look.
“Rules, Wilder.”
“Fuck the rules.” I reach through the window and hit the unlock button. The second I hear the click, I swing her door open and slide onto the floorboard in front of her. The steering wheel digs into my back and my six foot six inch frame folds at an odd angle. The seat takes ages to slide all the way back, but when it does, I can bend down a little easier.
“Dean, what are you doing?” Her hands grip at my shoulders, trying to pull me up, but I pin her hands to her sides and look up at those eyes that had captivated me since the moment I saw them blink up at me.
