I thank them and head outside, wishing to go home. But where is home? I’m not homeless per se, but I don’t have anywhere to go and lick my wounds after telling the man I loved how I felt in front of a roomful of strangers and his mother, resulting in him storming out. Heidi isn’t far away, but I’m contracted with Blancbourg. Even if we did bend some rules, I’m still supposed to be coaching him. However, the ladies are right. I have to talk to Grey and tell him to get his head out of his #BruiserButt.
31
GREY
I’ve run into a ditch. Not literally, but it’s like I lost control and slammed face-first into a wall of dirt. The sides are high, the sky distant, and I’m not sure how to get out of it. Go forward? Backward? Try to climb?
I made a mistake lying to my mother. I was wrong to storm out when Everly blurted the truth about being married.
But she said something else, too.
As I sit in the same pew at the church that I recently vacated, the words come back. “I didn’t tell them that I love you.”
It’s like the bottom drops out from the ditch. Shame and embarrassment and regret rain down on top of me, burying me.
I blink a few times, replaying the scene in Mrs. Nelson’s kitchen.
Everly confessed that we’re actually married.
I felt put on the spot, and before I could backtrack, I got defensive. When plays don’t go as planned and the guys in the locker room get heated and hurl insults at each other, Hammer always says the only place defense belongs is on the field.
Why did I respond that way? Why did I say the thing about Everly lying to the insurance company? It was a low blow. I broke our rules with a comment intended to silence her.
Why?
Because I didn’t want my mother or her friends to think poorly of me for marrying someone for reasons of convenience. Because I married for reasons apart from love.
I did it because my brother’s friend said someone he knew needed help. Because it felt right, generous.
I didn’tundo it when I had the opportunity because I needed a wife on paper for custody. Because that was the right thing to do for Sonny’s welfare.
But I know my mother would’ve understood if I’d just started with the truth. Right?
I’m at a crossroads. I could venture back into the void, but Everly busted up my stone walls and filled in the holes. She woke me up from a long slumber. I trust her. Feel safe with her.
A rectangle of light brightens the carpet along the aisle as the door to the church opens and closes.
My mother was here for less than five minutes. We made our apologies, but I don’t feel forgiven. I still feel wrong, all wrong. Though I suppose that’s better than the deep pit of emptiness where I felt nothing for the last several months.
After I let out a breath, Everly slides onto the wooden bench beside me.
Despite what happened, her presence is welcome. A relief. Being near her, even thinking about her, makes my heart beat faster and my body flood with warmth.
Then why did I say something to hurt her? Why did I lie? Why did I run when she said she loved me?
“Grey, we need to talk. I’m guessing you don’t want to, but give me one grunt foryesand two forno. Okay?” Her voice is soft, and understanding. She is so gentle.
Has Everly already forgiven me? If so, I have to forgive myself and make things right.
Turning toward her on the seat, our knees bump. The thrill that rushes across my skin tells me more than my thoughts do about how I truly feel about her. I start with a sputter, but my words quickly smooth out. “I’ll give you more than that, Everly,” I say. “I’ll give you an apology. I’m sorry I lied. I’m sorry that I ran out.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how I feel about you at a more opportune moment.”
Emotions scramble in my mind. I don’t know how to accept the offer she’s given, the verbal expression of how she feels. What do I say? Before I can summon a response, she continues.
“I was hurt that you didn’t tell your mother the truth, even if you don’t feel the way I do. I mean, I didn’t love you when we got married, but I do now.” Her cheeks stain pink.
The empty space that I’ve dwelled in for so many months opens up. It’s almost overwhelming. I can’t find my footing or where it begins or ends. But then light pours in as Everly looks at me with her spring-green eyes. I can’t help but inhale her sweet sunshine scent. Her smile and easy laughter are addictive and I want more. I want it all.
