This has to end now. My eyes burn, forming a few tears, but it’s more from defeat than sadness.
These tears feel different. These are the kind where my heart goes numb and I finally let go.
I grab a tissue from the box on his dresser when I notice a brochure for a small beach cottage resort in Gulf Shores. I love the beach, but I’ve only been once, back when I was a kid.
Was he planning a trip for us? Too little too late, if he was.
I flip through the brochure and realize this is where he went when heneeded to get awaytwo weeks ago. I understood his reasons, but it hurt since he never makes plans for us and he wouldn’t tell me where he was going. He’s refused dinner, movies, concerts, and even short road trips other than family events.His family.
He says we’re not in a position to waste money and there’s no reason for us to travel together if I won’t sleep with him. I flinch at that thought as the full meaning settles in my gut.
I’m not worth the money if he doesn’t get anything out of it.
Nice.
I slide down the wall to the floor, looking at some cards that fell out of the brochure. Murray takes that as an invitation to flop down and rest his head in my lap.
They’re business cards from the resort office and one from a bar with room numbers written on them …and girls’ names and phone numbers on the back.
It finally hits me why Nathan gets so many texts from unsaved numbers. He always claims they’re wrong numbers,which I never questioned other than to wonder why he didn’t block them.
The messages always seemed oddly specific when he’d show them to me, not that I asked, but this is enough to put all the pieces together. It’s like he preplanned a defensejust in case. I’m a little dazed, and I feel nauseated.
The yelling dies down, and I pat Murray’s head, encouraging him to stand up so I can. I leave the brochure and cards on the floor so Nathan can see for himself that I found them.
When he comes back downstairs, my ears are ringing and I feel like I’m watching myself from outside my body.
“Get back up there! You smelly mutt.” I flinch when he stomps toward Murray and chases him back up the stairs. “Shut the door and keep him up there!” he screams at Jackson.
He drops back to his bed, and I just stand here.
Lost.
I’m not sure how I got here, physically or mentally.
His eyes shift to me. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
His words aren’t harsh, but they sure aren’t warm and fuzzy.
“Everything. I can’t do this,” I say, sniffling. He reaches out and pulls me to the side of the bed, hugging me to him without getting up.
“I’m stressed out, okay? But it doesn’t affect you. You can still do whatever you want, so I don’t know why you’re upset. You’re fine.” He rubs my back, but his words don’t solve anything, and his touch is less than welcome. “Don’t cry. Your face gets all red and puffy, and it’s not attractive at all. You already smell like the dog.” He scoots over and pulls me onto the bed next to him.
Did he not throw something at me ten minutes ago? And I wish I could say it was the first time. I don’t know how to make him listen without making him explode, but I need to get away.
Sitting next to him isn’t comforting. Every part of me recoils, and his touch is making me sick. He wants me to get over it, but I want …nothing.
I want it to end.
If I bring up the brochure and phone numbers, he’ll be angry that I snooped through his stuff. I don’t even care. I just don’t know how to break up. He’s going to demand reasons so he can shift the blame. He’ll claim they were contacts for the front desk or room service or some other nonsense. Or he’ll turn it back on me and bring up my friends, specifically, Jude.
My conscience would’ve been clear until this week and maybe one night six weeks ago when I was too distraught to go home and thought we were done.
But it won’t matter. I’ll be at fault because I don’t hide who my friends are, just how much I’ve needed one of them lately.
What happened in Gulf Shores will have to remain a mystery, because asking would set off a fit of rage, and I’m not falling for that. He has me trained not to question anything he does.
Oh.
