I
Part One
Chapter One
I’ve been keeping my distance from him. My body still aches for him, still craves his touch—an ache so deep it saws at my bones and holds my breath hostage. But I remember the damage his hands can do when they’re not entirely his own, when that violent violet streak flares in his eyes and twists his mind. And still, I can’t help loving him.
It’s a love so deep it can’t be mapped, a place no light can reach—buried metres down beneath sand and sediment. A tragic tug-of-war that plucks at my heartstrings, a bittersweet memory that brings tears to my eyes whenever my thoughts wander too far. But the past always snaps me back. The memory of my lungs straining for air beneath the weight of his palms silences every tender feeling.
So I try not to make my distance obvious. I pretend I’m simply busy, orchestrating our days so our paths cross less and less. I don’t want him to know that I fear the fire still rages inside him, or how little it might take to wake it. Instead, I’m throwing myself into the search for a cure—because until then, I don’t think I can ever feel truly safe beside him.
I feel it every time he hugs me, every time his lips touch mine. A brush of warmth that should quicken my pulse with longing, yet it doesn’t thrum with desire. It beats with fear and anticipation, waiting helplessly, for the moment the ticking timebomb inside him might erupt into a purple fury and drag me under with it.
“Did you manage to find any more?” I ask River as he enters my dorm room, a pile of books balanced in each hand.
He nods.
“This is it.” He plonks them onto my desk with a heavy thud, sending up a thick cloud of dust. “You now have every book on elixirs and serums in this school. If there’s a cure, it’ll be in one of these.” He gestures to the pile while waving the dust away from his face.
The books are stacked haphazardly, piled high and daunting, each one thick enough to make my shoulders ache just looking at them. I stand and drag a finger through the dust, revealing the title of the top book. It’s blue and velvety—The Art of Elixirs. The lettering is sparkly silver, raised just enough that my fingertips bump over each letter. I lift it clumsily, surprised by its weight, and rest it in my lap as I flip through the pages.
“It’s going to take me ages to get through all of these,” I sigh, the stack looming over me.
“Got any better ideas?” River picks up the next book and flips it open as he drops into the chair tucked beneath my desk.
“I wish I did,” I mutter. This is the third pile of books River has brought me. I’ve been combing through them for weeks with no luck. I fear these will be no different, but I can’t give up. Not when Ryder depends on it.
My gaze drifts to the window, where Moon Castle looms in the distance.
“I still don’t understand why we can’t tell him,” River says. “They might have better books over at Moon.” He glances at me briefly before returning his attention to the off-white pages.
“I told you why,” I reply, fixing him with a pointed look. “If he finds out, he’ll worry.” We’ve already had this conversation.
“But don’t you think heshouldbe worrying?” River shoots back, meeting my glare. “He could kill you, Asha.”
“And what if he kills himself again?” I snap, my voice rising before I force it back down. “What if we’re not there to save him? What then?” I steady myself, keeping my tone level. “I’ll tell him when we know how to save him. But first, we need to find a cure.”
The silence that follows is thick and uncomfortable. I know River is only trying to protect me—but when it comes to Ryder, the lines have always been blurred.
“Well,” a voice glees, “this is a nice surprise.”
The door swings open, and Nala slips inside, a pink lollipop hooked between her lips. She pauses just long enough to assess the room—the books, the dust, our hunched postures—before popping the lollipop out and gesturing toward River and me.
“Hi, Nala,” River says, glancing up with a quick smile before dropping his eyes back to the page.
“Any luck yet?” She drifts closer and rests a hand on his shoulder, fingers drumming lightly.
“Nothing,” I say before River can answer. He backs me up with a small shake of his head.
Nala sinks beside me, her knee brushing mine.
“How do you even know the serum’s still affecting him?” she asks. “You only saw his eyes glow purple that one time, right?”
I swallow.
“Yeah. Just once,” I say. “But, I just want to be sure.”
The lie tastes bitter.
