There's a small dent just below the handle, the silver paint scraped down to bare metal.
Robin groans. "Some moron opened their door into me in the grocery store parking lot. Didn't even leave a note."
A tiny smile tugs at my mouth despite everything. "Ash is going to kill you."
"Ash is never going to see it because I'm getting it ASAP." Robin starts the car, pulling out of the lot with more aggression than necessary. "Besides, my brother hasn't been back in over a year. He probably forgot he even owns a car."
"He didn't forget. He just trusts you with it."
"His mistake." Robin glances at me. "You smiled. That's good. Progress."
"Don't make it weird."
"I'm absolutely making it weird. My best friend smiled for the first time in days. I'm commemorating the moment."
The drive home is quiet after that. Robin puts on music—something soft and acoustic that he knows I like—and doesn'ttry to make me talk. I watch the city slide past the window and try not to think about Knox.
I fail.
The apartment feels different when we get there. Emptier, somehow, even though nothing has changed. Robin orders Thai food while I change into sweats and my oldest, softest t-shirt. The one with the holes in the hem that I should have thrown away years ago.
We eat on the couch with some reality show playing in the background. People yelling at each other about who said what to whom at a party I don't care about. Robin laughs at the drama. I push pad thai around my plate and try to feel normal.
"You're not eating," Robin says eventually.
"I'm eating."
"You're rearranging noodles. That's different."
I set the container down. "I keep thinking about whether I regret it."
"Regret what? Sleeping with him?"
"All of it." I pull my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. "Meeting him. Letting myself fall so fast. I keep trying to figure out which part I'd take back if I could."
Robin mutes the TV. "And?"
"I don't know." My voice comes out smaller than I want it to. "Part of me wishes I'd never walked into that bar. That I'd just kept walking in the rain until I found a gas station or something. Then none of this would have happened."
"You'd have hypothermia."
"But I wouldn't feel like this."
Robin's quiet for a moment. "Would that be better? Not knowing any of it?"
I think about Knox's eyes flashing gold in the bar light. The way his pack had wrapped me in a blanket and fed me fries without question. Story hour with ice cream sandwichesand kids climbing on leather-clad bikers like jungle gyms. The way Knox had looked at me like I was something precious. Something worth keeping.
"No," I admit. "That's the worst part. Even now, even knowing how it ends, I don't think I'd take it back. I just wish—"
I stop. Press my hand against my shoulder where the bite mark throbs.
"You wish it had been real," Robin finishes quietly.
"It felt real." I hate how my voice cracks. "When he called me his, when he was taking care of me after—it felt so real, Robin. How could it not be real?"
"Maybe it was."
"Don't."
