“Maybe I’ll check the snares again,” he said.
“You should leave them alone,” Theos said. “If you want to go for a walk, go the opposite direction, so you won’t disturb any animals that might be investigating the traps. And make sure you don’t get too close to the main path—we don’t want anyone to see your trail. And don’t get lost.” Really, it made no sense for Finnvid to go outside at all. “I’m going to sleep. I’m pretty tired.”
At that, Finnvid turned and finally looked right at him. “Do you feel fevered? You just woke up . . . If you’re tired again so quickly—”
“I’m notactuallytired,” Theos said. Awkward to have to explain all this for the poor Elkati, but apparently he was as clueless about social cues as he was about hunting. “I’m saying I’ll stay over here and keep my eyes closed and leave you alone, if you want. You don’t have to go outside to get away from me.”
“I’m not trying to get away from you,” Finnvid protested. He saw Theos’s face and grimaced. “Well, I suppose I am. But not . . . I don’t know. I’m not— I don’t—”
“Maybe you should have spent a little less time watching trees and a bit more time learning how tospeak.”
“I can speak. If I knew what I was feeling, I could probably express it. But I just have no idea what I feel.”
“Neither do I. Know whatyoufeel, I mean. I know howIfeel.”
“Okay . . . how doyoufeel?”
“I’m still a bit hungry. Not starving, but if there was more squirrel, I’d eat it. I’m generally warm, and nothing hurts too much right now. The fever’s gone.” And because it was Finnvid, Theos pushed himself a little more. “I’m impatient to get back to Windthorn and figure things out. But I also kind of like it right here. I feel like this is a safe cave we’re living in . . . a littleworld. Just us, with nobody causing any problems. If I wasn’t worried about the people back in Windthorn, I wouldn’t be unhappy about being here. You built a good den, Finnvid.”
It was still hard to be sure what Finnvid’s expression meant, but then he nodded. “Thank you. I—I’m not unhappy about being here either. And I’m a bit scared of what we’re going to find in Windthorn, so . . . I’d really much rather stay here.”
“You don’t have to come to Windthorn. Youshouldn’tcome to Windthorn, really. You could still tell your family we kidnapped you. You could go home, and maybe it’d be rough for a while, but they’d get over it, wouldn’t they?”
“You don’t have to take care of me,” Finnvid said, raising his chin. “Well, as we travel, I expect I’ll need some help. But when we get to Windthorn—I don’t expect to be your responsibility anymore. You don’t need to pay for my food and give me somewhere to sleep.”
“I don’t mind doing that. I told you I don’t like to sleep alone. That’s not why I think you should go back to Elkat.”
“You think I’m useless in Windthorn. I’ll have no role to play, and won’t be able to contribute. I understand that, and I know you’re right. But don’tyouunderstand? I have no role to play in Elkat, either! I’m useless there too. They were trying to find a purpose for me when they sent me on this mission, and look what a mess it’s turned into. First I was captured, then I made friends with the wrong side, and then I betrayed my people and gave vital information to the enemy. Even if they believe I was kidnapped, I’ll still be the one who was stupid enough to let it happen.”
He stopped and shook his head, then whispered, “And that’s not evenstartingon the other problems.” He met Theos’s gaze with wide eyes. “How can I go back and pretend to be something I’m not? Pretend to . . . How can I marry a woman, after what we’ve done here?”
It was Theos’s turn to stare. “I don’t understand. You . . . touching me, just the little things that we’ve done? They make you— You can’t marry a woman now? You’re unclean, or something? I don’t understand Elkati rules. Not at all.”
Finnvid’s snort was only a bit shaky. “It’s not that. Not exactly. But . . . I’m not like you, Theos. I’m not just interested in finding a warm body to rub against and get inside. All my life, I’ve known I was supposed to want women, and I never, ever have. There’s a woman who helped me get away, and she seems very nice, and I would like to know her better and be a better friend to her, but Theos, I don’t want to touch her. I don’t want to lie with her, like I want to lie with you. I can’timaginewanting to be with any woman, not like I want to be with you.”
Theos tried to sort it out. “But before you were with me, you thoughtIwas disgusting, too. Maybe you just need to stopassumingyou won’t like things, and try them.”
“I never thought you were disgusting.”
“Disgusting,” Theos said. “Unnatural, immoral, sinful.”
“That was— It was neveryou. It was the—the acts themselves. And even then, I never really meant it. Iwantedto mean it! I knew Ishouldmean it. But I never really did.” Finnvid took a deep breath and was clearly forcing himself to continue. He looked Theos straight in the eyes, his expression pleading for understanding as he said, “From the first moment I saw you I thought you were beautiful. Dangerous and threatening, but beautiful. And later on, I thought you were arrogant and violent and stupid and horrible and cruel, but I still thought your body was beautiful. And then when I got to know you better, I stopped thinking the bad things—mostly—and when I saw what you can do with your body, the ways you can find pleasure and give it to others . . .” Finnvid shook his head. “I’ve never lain with a woman. But I’ve never wanted one, either. Not even a little bit. And with you? Even before I liked you, I wanted you. I didn’t understand it, maybe, but I wanted you.” He frowned. “How can I go back, and forget all that?” The question seemed to be as much for Finnvid as for Theos.
Neither of them answered it until finally Theos said, “There are some men like that in Windthorn. They don’t want to fuck women at all. And there’s a few that don’t want to fuck men, not ever. Some women the same way. It’s peculiar, but it’s not really a problem. It’s like if somebody wouldn’t eat meat. It’s their decision and they’re not hurting anyone. The less they eat, the more there is for everyone else.” He grinned, thinking of the extra women he could be with because there were fewer rivals. Not that he was afraid of competition, but if he got older, he might appreciate a bit of an advantage.
Wait. He was getting off topic. “So . . . aye. You should come to Windthorn. We’ll find a way for you to be useful if you want to stay.” He shrugged. “That’s assuming we make it there alive, and then aren’t killed as soon as we step into the valley.”
“Of course,” Finnvid said. He leaned forward now, looking more relaxed if still not completely happy. “And . . . the—the way we touch. Now. The way we did this morning. Can we keep doing that, even if I don’t want to do—if I want to do abitmore, but not—”
“Finnvid.” Theos tried to keep his voice level, and not growlorlaugh. “You said it once. You can say it again. Say, ‘I want to use my hand and maybe my mouth, but I don’t want to fuck.’”
Finnvid blushed, then he pulled himself up straight and prim. “Well, I don’tneedto say it, since you’ve clearly demonstrated that you understand my wishes.”
“Yes, sir. I understand.”
“And do you agree to abide by them?” Finnvid was still acting haughty, but Theos could see the tentativeness trying to creep in.
So he smiled, and leaned, and reached out, and grabbed hold of Finnvid’s ankle again, tugging on him. “For now,” he said, and then he crawled forward and pushed Finnvid down so he was lying on his back, Theos hovering above him. “And if I decide Idon’tlike your rules anymore, then I’ll just stop playing. You understand?” Surely Finnvid did, after all their time together, after all the restraint Theos had already shown. But if it was as obvious to Finnvid as it was to Theos, they wouldn’t be having this conversation. So he added, “I won’t change the rules, not if you don’t want me to. I’ll just stop. And if I do, that’s not your problem.”
