And now he was fighting to get back to Elkat. He’d really thought he’d be able to forget what he’d seen if he just got away from it quickly enough? He was a fool, alone in a cold, snowy grave.
He considered crawling out and going to find Theos. The man had wanted Finnvid; of course, Theos seemed to want practically anyone who wandered into sight. Still, that could be good. Finnvid had apologized with words, and maybe he could also apologize with his body . . .
No, it wouldn’t be an apology. It would be a plea. For forgiveness first, and then for so much more.
Finnvid knew he wouldn’t move. But he let himself imagine it. A different Finnvid, braver and less confused, sliding out of his tunnel, reborn as a man who followed his own instincts, not the rules of his valley. He’d find Theos, surprise him, and Theos’s body would tighten at first, ready, as it always was, to fight. And there would be a moment when it wasn’t clear what Theos would do, but then he’d relax, his frown gentling from anger to amusement, and he’d pull Finnvid in next to him, and their bodies would align, their lips would meet . . .
Finnvid fumbled with his clothes, fighting to get through the layers to the pulsing heat at his core. He’d refused to give in to the urges when he was sleeping in Theos’s room. It would have been too real, too intense, to find release while the object of his fantasies was lying within arm’s reach. And Theos was a light sleeper. If he’d woken up and realized what Finnvid was doing—it had been too terrifying, too tantalizing, to take the chance.
He’d barely wrapped his hand around himself before he was gasping, and then the images began flashing into his mind, too many, too quickly for him to focus on just one. Theos in the baths, muscles everywhere and warm brown skin glowing with health and vitality; the Torian tattoo on his shoulder, the Sacrati brand on his upper thigh; Theos driving into someone, thrusting and groaning and shaking; Theos kissing someone else, rough bites and punishing strength; and then, the kisses with Finnvid, somehow gentler and sweeter than with the others. Then Finnvid wasn’t seeing anything but brightness and beauty. His body spasmed over and over, releasing his need and his desire into the cold snow wall.
He lay there, drained and exhausted, and for a few moments he thought he’d found peace. Perhaps giving in to the fantasies had been enough to dispel them. Then, unbidden, his imagination sent him the idea of having Theos there beside him. He’d wrap a warm, heavy arm around Finnvid’s body, pull him in tight and safe, and they’d sleep entwined together.
And with that thought, the yearning was back. But it was changed, now. He didn’t crave the heat and passion, at least at the moment; he wanted the warmth and affection. He wanted to wake up with Theos, or even better, to wake up and find Theos already at the campfire so they could exchange sleepy, easy smiles like Andros and Xeno did. So everyone could see them, and know that there was something between them, something special and pure and real.
That was where the fantasy fell apart, though, because there would be Elkati around the fire.
Some of the Elkati soldiers seemed to have accepted the Torian ways; Finnvid wasn’t completely sure that a few of them hadn’t indulged a little themselves. Despite that, the dominant mood was still disapproval and disgust. If the Elkati felt that theirprincehad given in? Finnvid couldn’t imagine their reactions. His skin tightened and itched just at the thought of it. The Elkati soldiers would be bad enough, but if they went home and told his brother? Hismother?
All the lovely tranquility was gone, replaced with a mix of anxiety and despair. He could play whatever games he wanted to, in his mind. But he could never act on his fantasies, not in the real world. Not when he was surrounded by Elkati.
He’d lost his chance. When he’d been a slave, there’d been freedom. He and Theos could have done whatever they’d wanted without worrying about who saw them. But Finnvid had been too wrapped up in his own pride and fear and anger to take advantage of the opportunity.
And now it was gone. He was on his way home. In a few days, they’d reach the border and Finnvid would say good-bye to Theos forever.
It took him a long time to fall asleep that night, and when he finally did drop off, it felt like surrender.
He woke the next morning, slid out of his den and saw Theos sitting by the fire, stirring a cookpot. The Sacrati glanced up at him, and everything fell away until it was just the two of them. Theos didn’t smile, but he didn’t frown, either. He just looked, and Finnvid looked back. Then somebody nearby moved, breaking the spell, and Theos jerked his gaze free. Finnvid froze, hoping against hope that Theos might turn to him again. And he knew that, if Theos smiled, Finnvid would go to him, and sit with him and touch him in any way the Sacrati allowed, regardless of the Elkati audience. Finnvid would abandon everything he’d known for a chance at something new.
But Theos didn’t glance back, and eventually Finnvid stumbled to the edge of the camp to pee, and the day went on as the days before it had. Finnvid was still trapped. But now he knew it, and that made it so much harder to bear.
Chapter Eighteen
It was three and a half more days before they made it to the border. There wasn’t really anything to see, no landmark to make it clear, but the shepherdess and Gunnald seemed to agree that they’d found the right spot.
Halfway, Finnvid told himself. More than half, really, because the Elkati territory wasn’t as large as Windthorn’s, so walking to its center wasn’t such a trek.
It was still a long way, though, and even with the addition of the fat cakes, Finnvid was tired. Then he caught a few snippets of the conversation among Zenain, Ekakios, and Gunnald and realized he had more important things to worry about.
“My orders have been clear from the start,” Zenain said firmly. “We are to escort the Elkati prince all the way home.”
“You want us to go uninvited into Elkati territory?” Ekakios grinned in true Sacrati fashion. “That might make this trip a little more interesting than it’s been so far.”
“We donotrequire an escort,” Gunnald said icily. “We appreciate your efforts, but do not need you anymore.”
“You’re ready to carry all your own gear?” Zenain asked. “Because you’ve barely been keeping up with us as it is.”
“We won’t need tokeep upwith you once you’re walking in the opposite direction.”
“You’ll still want to move as quickly as you can, though. We’ve been lucky with the weather so far, but you can’t count on that to continue. For maximum safety, you need to get your prince and yourselves back down in your valley, in out of the cold, as soon as possible. Right?”
Gunnald scowled. Finnvid eased into the conversation, and made his voice as mild and inoffensive as he could. “It would be problematic for foreign troops to trespass on Elkati soil without permission.”
“I agree, Prince Finnvid. It is not our intention to trespass. We were expecting to be invited. I’m sure you can understand how interested we are in seeing you home safely. Not only for your own sake, but for the sake of the peace between our two valleys. It is our fault that you did not make it home before the snow fell, so it is our responsibility to see the situation rectified now.”
It was a nice speech, one that felt carefully practiced. Finnvid tried to think it through. Bringing the Torian soldiers onto Elkat soil—was that dangerous? There weren’t enough of them, even with Sacrati among their number, to pose a threat to the full Elkati army. The visitwouldgive the Torians an opportunity to spy a little, just as Finnvid had done in Windthorn, but that might not be a bad thing. Let them notice the progress Elkat had made in arming itself, and hear about the many allied troops prepared to join them. Elkat was not a ripe berry to be plucked effortlessly from a thornless bush. Not anymore. And the Torians should have the chance to see that firsthand.
“I would appreciate your continued assistance,” Finnvid said at last. He hoped he was doing the right thing. “We can offer you hospitality when we arrive, a chance to restock your supplies as needed.”
