COME BACK.Liam could come back. Liam could tease and tantalize, appearing and disappearing according to whatever important city events hewas working around. And Ben could turn himself inside out with anticipation, then crush himself with disappointment when plans fell through. When Liam didn’t keep his promises.
Considering how early it was in the day, there was absolutely no excuse for how exhausted Ben suddenly felt. But he supposed he’d gone through more emotional highs and lows that morning than he usually managed in a week,so maybe it made sense. Made sense that he was tired, and made sense that he take steps to avoid any more draining situations.
“Obviously I can’t stop you from coming back to North Falls. I still don’t really understand what you’re looking for, here, but—I hope you find it. Assuming it’s actually here. But in terms of coming back to my house? If that’s what you meant?” He braced himself and forceda sympathetic smile. Liam was the one with a problem, not Ben.Liamshould be pitied. “Probably not the best idea, right? It’s good that we cleared the air. But that was just wrapping up old business. Now that everything’s tidy, we should leave it alone.” He turned away for a moment, long enough to snap the loper blades shut around a couple raspberry canes. “Good to see you, though.”Now go. Please,just go, before you notice how my hands are shaking, how I can’t look at you, how much of a fucking loser I still am. Please leave me with at least a little dignity this time.
“Can I—” Liam’s phone trilled a notification, and he made a frustrated noise.
Ben took a deep breath, found a bit of strength, and forced a smile onto his face. “Your people need you,” he said. Then he raised his voice.“Seth? We’re down one knight in the heroic battle against evil. You might need to put some armor on and get out here.”
“But who will protect the princess?”
“The princess can help. You’re not scared of some stupid raspberry bushes, are you, Tamara?”
“Not scared,” Tamara said and began to wriggle out of Seth’s arms.
Good. A distraction. “You can come help me make plans while your daddy findsa long-sleeve shirt to shield his tender skin.” Ben started toward the porch, but he was still aware of Liam right behind him. Far too aware.
Maybe Ben should have walked faster, but he didn’t, so he was close enough to hear Liam say, “So this is…?” And there was something in his voice that made Ben want to turn around. Made him want to take Liam in his arms and comfort him, for Christ’s sake.He steeled himself and kept moving.
“Get your sleeves on, Seth,” he ordered, then half turned, careful to not make eye contact. “Okay. Good to see you, Liam.” Because Liam needed to go. He needed to get the hell out and give Ben some time to do his deep breathing and his visualizations until the bands around his chest loosened and his body stopped vibrating. “Good luck with the work thing.”
Liam, thankfully, started to move. Ben plastered on a smile that was too full, too bright. He knew he was making a fool of himself, but it was better to do this than to let Liam see him fall apart entirely.
So frustrating. So damnenraging. After all this time, after all the damn work he’d put into learning to control himself, he’d been taken apart so damn effortlessly.Breathe. Breathe in somenice green from the plants, from the spring air. Breathe out the confusion, the excitement, the fear.What color was all that? Yellow, maybe.Breathe out the yellow. Breathe in the rich blue of being around Seth and Tamara. Yeah, Tamara. Breathe in the pure, sweet sound of her laughter, the feel of her chubby arms squeezing around your neck. Breathe out—Jesus, what color could he breathe out toget rid of the memory of Liam?
Breathe out the swirl of every color, the chaotic blur of too much light, too much movement. Too much everything. Breathe it out, let it float away. Inhale calm, exhale chaos.
“It really was good to see you, Liam. Don’t worry about the car—that was my own fault, so I’ll pay for it. Drive safe on your way home.” He turned and headed back toward the raspberry patch.
Don’t turn around. Don’t look back. If Liam’s still there by the porch? If he’s looking after you? You can’t see that. Keep walking. It’s over. Don’t look back.
It’s over. It’s over.
“Ben!” A male voice from the direction of the porch was enough to make Ben’s heart skip a beat, but he knew even before he turned that it wasn’t Liam calling to him. It was Seth. “It’s too early to offer you a drink,man. But I’m not sure what the healthier option would be. You seem a bit stressed all of a sudden.”
Healthier. Well. Ben knew exactly what would be healthy. More of his damn deep breathing, more centering of himself, more calming and meditating and visualizing positive things.
He turned back to the raspberries. Life. So persistent, so determined to survive and thrive and spread. And not onlylife for the bushes themselves, but life for the birds and animals and humans who took vital sustenance from the delicious fruit. Beautiful. Spiritual, even.
Ben whacked the bushes with the head of the loppers, then dropped that tool and picked up the rake. More length, more satisfaction as the metal head connected with the plants, the teeth snagged and ripped and destroyed. Five blows, thenten, twenty, every muscle in Ben’s body straining toward cathartic ruination.
And it did make him feel a little better. By the time he dropped the rake he was still tense, still restlessly angry, but he didn’t actually feel as if his whole body was going to explode anymore.
He turned to see Seth and Tamara watching him. “See?” Seth said, loudly enough for Ben to hear it over his own ragged breaths.“People looksillywhen they have temper tantrums. Don’t they? Didn’t Uncle Ben look silly?”
Tamara frowned in concern. “Why mad?” she called.
Well. Probably a question Ben deserved, but not one he was able to answer. He shook his head. “Just—raspberries.”
Tamara nodded sagely. “Prickles,” she agreed.
“They taste good, though,” Seth said, and he buzzed his lips against his daughter’s cheek.“Okay. Come help me find a long-sleeved shirt. By the time we’re outside again, Uncle Ben will have that mess tidied up—andhidden—and we’ll get the rest of the job finished before Mommy gets home. Sound good?”
Tamara agreed with typical enthusiasm and scampered into the house. Seth stayed outside long enough to say, “Is that out of your system, now? If it isn’t, you should head out and I’llcome find you once Dinah gets back to take Tamara. I get it that you’re… agitated? Is that the right word? But Tamara doesn’t need to see her favorite buddy going apeshit on the shrubbery. Not twice in one day, at least.”
“Right.” Shit. Of course Seth was right. Ben needed to get a tighter grip on himself. “Sorry. Yes, I’m fine. Won’t happen again.”
“It can happen again if you need it to—wecan go out in the woods and you can beat the shit out of whatever plants you want. Just not around Tam.”
“No, I’m okay.”
Okay. Yeah. That’s what he was. He was okay. He’d be calm and gentle when Tamara came back outside, and he’d tidy up the battered raspberry fragments like a good boy, and he’d go back to his quiet, tidy, okay life.
And he’d damn well forget about Liam Marshall. Because whileLiam was a walking, talking promise of a better, more exciting life, his promises couldn’t be trusted. And Ben wouldn’t let himself get fooled again.
