“I thought we could dine privately as a threesome tonight,” Sasha said. “I didn’t want to have to compete for your attention tonight. Besides, I have a business matter to discuss with you later. But for now, let’s eat, drink, and enjoy each other’s company.”
Sasha was ‘bond villain’ level slick. His smile, which he flashed freely, seemed perfectly rehearsed to me. This man was dangerous. I could feel it downto my marrow. His colossal, stately manor was adorned with museum quality antique furniture and decor dating back to the sixteenth century. Dinner, a four-course feast, was served on Meissen porcelain, recognizable by its famous blue onion pattern. This was, by far, the most upscale dinner I’d ever attended, and I employed every acting trick I had to seem comfortable and relaxed.
What came easy was feeling connected to Tess. Even within our roles as Noah and Eleanor I felt tethered to her. I felt a kind of psychic connection to her I’d never felt with anyone before.
“Are you enjoying your bone marrow, Noah?” Sasha asked.
“It’s prefect. My compliments to your chef, or did you cook all this yourself?”
“Me? Cook?” Sasha laughed. “I wouldn’t know how to turn the stove on. No, this lovely meal comes to us compliments of Chef Jaque Laurent.”
“The winner of Bounty Hunter Cook-Off?” Tess asked.
“He was the runner up, but don’t bring that up to him. He’s still a bit sensitive about the judges’ final decision. Either way, their loss became my personal chef. Even though the TV show was pure American trash, I could tell Chef Laurent was a culinary genius, and I pride myself in having an eye for talent. Talents such as the ones your fiancée processes.”
“I’ll leave if you start gushing about me, I swear I will, Sasha,” Tess said.
“Not only has she made me a lot of money,” Sasha continued. “But she’s also acquired some verymeaningful pieces for my private collection. One piece in particular that reveals new things to me every time I look at it.”
“It’s a team effort,” Tess said, extending her hand for me to take.
“And so it is,” Sasha said. “Please, tell me, Noah. How did the two of you meet?”
I scratched the back of my neck. “Well, now that’s kind of an embarrassing story.”
Sasha broke into a devilish grin. “I’m intrigued already.”
My mission brief included a short backstory about Noah meeting Eleanor while attending University, but that was about it. The rest was up to us. The only problem being that Tess and I hadn’t spent a single second talking about crafting said backstory. So, it was up to me. Improvise for your life. Now, there’s a fucking reality show I should pitch to the producers of Bounty Hunter Cook-Off.
“I was at this party, off-campus, at the Alpha Beta Phi house. ABP was a big dumb jock fraternity whose parties I never went to. I was only there because my friend Shuffy told me about this drop-dead-gorgeous girl that was going to be at the party that he knew I’d want to meet. Shuffy told me ahead of time that he wasn’t going to introduce me to this girl, because I’d know exactly the “chick” he was talking about the moment I laid eyes on her. He wanted me to go to the party, grab a plastic cup of cheap beer and, in his words, ‘Wander the savannah until you’ve locked eyes with your prey.’”
“Shuffy was an idiot,” Tess provided.
I chuckled. “Yes. Ol’ Shuffy was a complete and utter moron. In fact, he only passed admissions because the Shuffenhouser family were filthy rich and donated the funds to build a new state of the art theater on campus. But, Shuffy was my first college roommate and my friend. Not to mention, I hadn’t even gone on a date since freshmen orientation week. So, I showed up to the party, grabbed a red plastic cup, skipped the line for the keg, and meandered around the party awkwardly for about ten minutes before deciding to leave. However, as I hastily made my way to the front door, I just about ran into the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. She wasn’t agirlor achick, she was a woman, and she was perfect. She was also holding an empty red cup.”
Tess rolled her eyes. “I had been holding it for all of ten minutes, mind you.”
I nodded. “She looked at me and then my cup, and said, ‘That line for the keg was no bueno, right’?”
“Which was so not like me,” Tess said. “I’m usually shy. But there was something about Noah, you know?”
I grinned. “Well, I was stunned. Mostly by how beautiful she was but also by the fact that Shuffy actually managed to get something so right. Somehow, I managed to regain the ability to form words, and before I knew it—”
“He asked me if I wanted to get a proper drink some place,” Eleanor interrupted. “I thought it was adorable that he used the word ‘proper,’ and hedefinitely looked like he didn’t want to be at that party any more than I did, so we decided to leave together.”
“But not until Shuffy showed up with a freshman Psych major named Ronica,” I said. “A perfectly delightful young lady sporting both a bright pink cowboy hat, and a tiara atop her bleach blonde hair extensions, wearing a white T-shirt with the word PUSSY spelled out in rhinestones.”
“I’ll never forget the look on Shuffy’s face,” Eleanor said, breaking into a fit of laughter. “And then he said…and then he said…”
“Dude, where are you going? You haven’t met Ronica yet. I told her you guys would be totally perfect together.”
“Hedidn’t?” Sasha asked.
“He sure did,” I replied. “The whole time I’m looking at Eleanor, thinking she’s so perfect that Shuffy needed to start a matchmaking service. But in the end, he was the dumbass we knew and loved.”
“But, if you think about it, Shuffy is responsible for us meeting. If he hadn’t invited you, you never would have gone.”
“Eleanor has a good point,” Sasha said. “Maybe it’s not too late to get into the matchmaking racket with your friend, Shuffy. Do you happen to have his phone number handy?”
