However, Maia wanted to chill, so I had to contain the restlessness.
Not long later, I’d kicked off my boots and switched to water because I’d ridden my motorcycle over. We were watching a crime show on Netflix and trying to make a dent in our huge order of Chinese food—I’d have to work it off in the gym tomorrow. Like always, it was comfortable and easy hanging out with Maia.
But I wanted to show her that I was the one and that she could really talk to me. Thatourrelationship was not surface level.
“Kath, my agent, she called today about media interviews. A big morning show wants to interview us. I shut her down.”
Maia paused the TV show, turning to give me her full attention. She was curled up on the end of the sofa, her knees to her chest. Her toenails were painted pink and she wore a gold toe ring on her right foot, second toe. It was sexy as fuck. She drew her arms around herknees, almost protectively. I shifted on the couch to face her.
“Wow. That’s a lot. So quickly. Just one video.”
“Aye, I know.”
“How do you feel about it?”
I decided to be honest. “On the one hand, I’m used to it. I’ve had clips from games go viral. And this one girl put together a montage of me without my shirt on that went viral.”
Maia’s lips trembled with laughter. “Of course it did.”
I grinned. “I can’t help that I’m a sexy beast, awright.”
“No, you cannot.”
“Anyway,” I said, attempting to get serious again, “I’ve experienced that. But this feels different. I’m not worried for me, but I’m worried for you. I don’t want any of this messing with your head.”
“I’ve already decided to come off socials while we’re doing this.”
“That’s probably a good idea.” I studied her thoughtfully. “Is there anything else bothering you about it?”
Maia pursed her lips. “I’m terrified we’ll get caught in the lie and both suffer the consequences of that. I feel guilty for lying.”
“No one can prove this is a lie, Maia. No one is going to find out. And we feel guilty because we’re not arseholes.” Anyway, hopefully soon, it would not be a lie.
She gave me a grateful smile and then sighed. “I guess the only other thing I’m worried about is it affecting my family. That’s it, really. Nothing else.”
I wondered if she was lying to herself or if she just didn’t want to talk to me.
My therapist’s way of getting me to open up was to share something vulnerable about herself. Borrowing apage from her book, I confessed, “I sometimes wonder if my dad is out there, watching videos of me, watching my games. Or if he deliberately avoids them. Or worse, if he doesn’t even know it’s me.”
Her eyes widened and then she unlocked the protective cage of her arms and shimmied along the couch to place a comforting hand on my knee. “Bear. I … I know it’s not quite the same, but I get it.”
“It is the same, Maia. We both have a parent who abandoned us.”
Maia’s eyes brightened with tears. “People … they keep trying to tell me that my mum didn’t choose because her addiction is a disease … and rationally, I know they’re right. But irrationally, it hurts that she didn’t fight her addiction for me. That she let me go instead. And I feel like a hypocrite for feeling that way because I didn’t fight for her. I left. I chose myself too.”
“You’re allowed to feel like your mum didn’t choose you.” I threaded our fingers together and squeezed. “No one can tell you how you feel. You feel like she abandoned you. That’s the end of the sentence. There are no ‘buts.’ And I choose to disagree with you that you left her. You were fifteen, Maia. From what you’ve told me, you were a child forced to be a parent, and you decided to find the one parent who would look after you instead. I think what you did was brave.”
Her hold on my hand tightened. “Thank you. And about your dad. I … I think deep down, there’s a part of me that’s scared Mum will see this and she’ll show up. As guilty as I feel about leaving her … I don’t want that, Bear.”
“Not at all?”
She shook her head. “There’s too much damage. The thought of her in my lifeterrifies me.”
Now I held on tighter. “Then she will never be in your life again. I promise you that. As long as I’m around, she will never get near you.”
Maia gave me a sad smile and then moved closer, dropping her head to my shoulder, cuddling in. “I’m sorry about your dad, Bear. I’m sorry he’s in the back of your mind too.”
“Aye, me too. I don’t ever want to meet him. Genuinely. And so I worry that he’ll make an approach because of this.”
