“But … there are … there are strong feelings still.”
A hollow hurt expanded across my chest. “From you or her?”
Will grimaced guiltily. “From us both. I tried to deny it, but … she and I have been meeting for lunch every week and talking for ages on the phone … and I realized I still have feelings for her.”
I could barely hear past the blood rushing in my ears as I tried to remain calm. “You’ve been carrying on an emotional affair with her.”
He dared to flinch. “If you want to label it as such. Though it was never my intention.”
“I’m labeling it as such because that’s what it fucking is.” Tears burned my eyes as I stood to move away from him.
“Don’t swear, it’s crass.”
I whirled on him in outrage. “Fuck. You.”
He sighed heavily and then nodded. “Sorry.”
I began to pace as visions of the safe future that had been laid out before me wavered at this news. Will wasn’t perfect. But I hadn’t been looking for an idealistic romance. Maybe as a teenager in the flush of first love with Charlie, my high school boyfriend, I’d thought it possible. But that fell apart, and this person I’d loved was suddenly gone, and it reminded me too of … I just … I decided I didn’t want to go through life experiencing that over and over again. I’d wanted someone steady. Someone who had control over every aspect of his life so he’d never bring chaos into mine. I’d had enough chaos to last a lifetime.
Will made me feel secure. Sometimes we’d be in the middle of a mundane task and he’d pull me into his strong arms, and a peace and calm unlike anything I’d ever known would wash over me. I felt loved and safe. And I thought … I thought I’d get to feel that way for the rest of my life.
This … this wasn’t what I’d ever expected from him.
“What do you want me to say?” My lips trembled as I held back tears, defensively crossing my arms over my chest. If I looked at his handsome face, I’d cry, so I stared out his large windows at the rooftops of the Georgian buildings across the street. The clouds above them hung heavy and gray. A typical spring evening in Edinburgh.
Yet not typical.
A typical evening meant curling up beside Will on hisuncomfortable sofa with a plate of healthy Thai food I didn’t particularly enjoy, watching a documentary until I could safely excuse myself to read the latest bestselling thriller novel. Then Will would come to bed, and we’d have sex. Sometimes I’d come; sometimes I’d fake it. Will always came. It hadn’t mattered to me because I didn’t care about the sex. I adored the intimacy. The expression on his face as he moved inside me, like I was everything in that moment. The way he whispered he loved me before I fell asleep in his arms. That was the part I held on to.
“I need time.” Will stood to face me. “Marriage is a huge deal, Maia. And I do love you. But … I’m still in love with Birgitta too. So … I’m asking you to give me some time with her … to figure out if she’s who I want.”
My jaw dropped.
“You’re asking me to step aside so you can fuck your ex for an indeterminable amount of time to decide whether you want me or you want her?”
His eyes flashed with anger. “You know that’s not what I mean.”
Was this actually happening? “You want me to wait patiently for you to decide if you love me the most?”
“If you love me and want a future with me, I don’t think it’s unreasonable.”
Oh my … I gaped at this man who I was realizing was either a freaking narcissist or the most entitled wanker who’d ever lived.
The saddest part was that he didn’t even realize he was plummeting me back to the worst thing that had ever happened to me.
My mother finally choosing her addiction over me.
I hadn’t been enough for her. Not enough to fight it.
Will didn’t know about my mum’s addiction,though.
Suddenly, looking at him was like looking at Mum. And I felt the very opposite of safe as the tears spilled over without my control.
“Maia—” His face crumpled, his eyes brightening with tears as he reached for me. “Please don’t cry.”
“Don’t touch me!” I stumbled away from him, wiping furiously at the salt water dripping down my cheeks.
“Maia, please. Just think about what I’m asking.Please.”
