While I hadn’t told Beth the details of Sebastian’s trauma, I did tell her there was something in his past that he blamed himself for. That it was big, and he was punishing himself over it.
“Oh wow.” Beth considered this. “You really think he won’t pursue a relationship with you because he’s punishing himself for some past transgression?”
“All evidence points to it. I don’t even think he realized that’s what he’s doing until I said it out loud.” My gut twisted. “When I said it, he looked like he was going to be sick.”
“Oof.”
“Oof indeed.” The ache in my chest intensified. “I don’t know what to do. I mean enough to him that he wants my friendship. But I don’t mean enough to him to work through his issues to be with me romantically.”
Beth took my hand. “Lily, forget about Sebastian’s feelings for a second. I’m interested in yours and what’s best for you. If you think you can continue being his friend, then do it, but I suggest putting boundaries in place. If you think you can’t, then you should sever all ties.”
“It would hurt him.”
“If remaining his friend hurts you, I’m sorry, I don’t care if ending the friendship hurts him. Sometimes we have to be selfish to protect our own mental health.”
Neither option made me feel any better. In fact, the thought of not seeing Sebastian anymore was like a crushing weight on my chest. “I … I think I want to keep him in my life. But … with boundaries. Not like before. We were in each other’s pockets before.”
“He was acting like a boyfriend without the benefits,” Beth opined dryly. “That boy is in serious denial. You know Callan was in denial for a while.”
“You said.” I smiled unhappily. When Callan and Beth started dating, it was casual. With an end date and everything. Callan didn’t want the casual dating to stop but Beth was falling for him, so she broke it off. It didn’t take Callan long to realize he was in love with her and to come groveling back.
Remembering the haunted look on Sebastian’s face, I shook my head. “I don’t think Sebastian’s ready to let go of the past. I’m not sure he ever will be.”
Beth patted my hand. “Then you start living life for you. I know you’re busy, but maybe dating would be a good way to move on from this nonrelationship with Sebastian. Hogmanay is the perfect night to start. No-strings fun can be found anywhere on Hogmanay.”
There was a desperate part of me that wanted to do just that. To find some quick fix to get over Sebastian Thorne. “I did get invited to a Hogmanay party.”
“Then you should go. You’re twenty-two, Lily, and you look like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. You should start enjoying yourself and stop putting life off because you have exams and papers and a dissertation. Trust this former workaholic who had no life. Find the balance now so you don’t wake up at forty wondering why all you have to show for your time on this planet is work. I mean, that’s great if that’s all you want, but I know that’s not all you want.”
Her advice settled on me with gravity.
She was right.
Even if Sebastian hadn’t come into my life, I knew I’d still have buried my head in school. Maybe it was burnout from dating. Or maybe it was easier to stop looking for love than to endure the heartache of continuing to look for it.
I didn’t want to live my life like that.
I wanted to keep searching, even when it hurt. Because I had something some people didn’t. I had living proof from my parents, from my aunts and uncles, and from Beth … true love existed. And it was worth the growing pains and the inconvenience and all the disruption it brought.
It was worth searching for.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
SEBASTIAN
Icouldn’t remember a worse Christmas.
The incident with Lily had already cast a pall over the holidays and I had this niggling sense of dread that wouldn’t abate. It was like waiting for medical test results. When I returned to Edinburgh, would I still have Lily, or would she choose to walk away? What would I do if she did? Because at this point, it would be like losing a limb.
Then there were my bloody parents.
Mum was surprisingly taciturn. Not in an unpleasant way but in a distracted, preoccupied way. She didn’t complain about Dad once. The royal estate wasn’t far from ours, so Mum left for church on Christmas morning to spend it with my grandmother, my great-aunt, and the entourage of princes and princesses who were my cousins. I’d spoken to my grandmother that morning on the phone and she’d asked me to come to church and Christmas lunch with the family at the Hillingham House, the royal estate. I’d told her I’d promised to spend Christmas morning with my father.
“A bad business that.” Granny had sighed heavily in response. “I do wish your parents would stop being so moronic.”
I’d snorted unhappily. “Me too, Granny. Me too.”
It was a relief to leave the house without Mum watching us go. To know that she was preoccupied with the family while we visited with Dad. Juno and I didn’t have to deal with watery eyes or pinched lips that made us feel guilty for loving our own father as we stepped out.
