“I don’t understand. You’ve never talked about football. I’ve never seen you watch a game until today.”
I shrugged. “I watch with the lads. I follow my teams. But it’s not a part of my life in the way it was before.”
“Because … you killed someone?” Her tone was filled with disbelief.
I nodded, nauseated, the Thai food suddenly roiling inside me. “Lawrence was new to our team. Our captain, James, was a year older. He was a prick. It was tradition that you pranked new team members and James pushed it further than most would.”
“Like pledging?”
“Kind of. We were all aware that going into the team, you’d get pranked. You didn’t know when it was coming or what it would be. Every time we did it, James seemed to up the prank. He liked me because I did well for the team and was on the path to playing professional football. But he could be a swine to others. I didn’t speak up when I should have because I didn’t want to mess up my own chances. If James didn’t want you to play, you didn’t play. He was the master of manipulation and had the coaches wrapped around his finger. So, I didn’t stop him.”
Lily curled her hand around my forearm. “What happened?”
I swallowed hard, seeing Lawrence … “James found out from Lawrence’s roommate that he was terrified of spiders.”
I felt Lily tense at my side.
“James thought it would be funny to watch Lawrence piss himself in fear.” Self-loathing filled every word. “I went along with it. There was a cubicle for changing in one of the locker rooms that was floor to ceiling, no getting out except by unlocking the door. We stuck him in there with a bunch of spiders the lads had collected and locked the door.” Nausea started to rise as I remembered his shouts of terror. Tears burned my eyes, and I blinked rapidly trying to fight them back. “I felt so sick, and I knew I should stop them, but I didn’t move quickly enough. The others were so busy laughing and joking, we didn’t hear that Lawrence was struggling to breathe. By the time I decided to do something, it was too late. James wouldn’t let me open the door. I eventually punched him and got the door open. But like I said, it was too late. He’d been in there for about five or six minutes.”
I stopped in the middle of the pavement, a tear escaping before I could stop it as I looked down at Lily. Part of me wanted her to hate me. To judge me. The other part was terrified ofit. “Lawrence was asthmatic. He’d hid it from us. All of us. We would eventually have found out on the field. His panic caused him to hyperventilate. And he didn’t have his inhaler with him. He died while we barricaded him in a cubicle with his worst fear, struggling to breathe as we laughed and joked outside.”
“Sebastian.” Lily’s eyes misted over as she reached for me. “You didn’t laugh and joke. You tried to help him.”
I pulled away, storming up the street.
“Sebastian!”
“Don’t look at me with compassion. I don’t deserve it,” I spat out. “I should be in prison, but our school didn’t want an international scandal. It all got swept under the rug as a boyish prank that went wrong.”
“Itwasa prank that went wrong.” Lily tugged me to a stop. “And I fully understand your guilt. But, Sebastian, you did not intend to kill someone. You didn’t come up with the prank. It was someone else’s ugliness that led to a terrible tragedy.”
“You know, that’s what Lawrence’s father said to me. That it was a terrible tragedy. I was crying uncontrollably as I confronted his parents, and his father smacked me hard. ‘Man up, boy. My son’s weakness was not your fault.’”
“Bloody hell,” Lily muttered, appalled.
“Lawrence’s dad was alumni. Hard, cold man. I often wondered if Lawrence hid his asthma because of him.”
“I think that’s a fair bet.” Lily soothed a hand over my back.
“But his mother …” I stared at Lily in anguish, remembering the look on Lawrence’s mum’s face. “She looked at me and James like she wanted to wipe us from the earth. And I didn’t blame her. That poor woman.”
“Weren’t the police involved?”
“Yes. I told them the truth, even though the school told me not to. And nothing happened. A slap on the wrist. That’swhat money and privilege buys you,” I sneered in self-directed disgust.
“What happened with James?”
“He was furious. Turned the boys on me. Said I was a snitch, a traitor. I didn’t care. I quit the team, and I didn’t pursue the Under 18s, even though it would have gotten me out of there.”
“Why quit football if you loved it?”
“Because I didn’t deserve it. Lawrence would never play again. So why should I get to?”
Lily brushed a tear away and I reached for her hand, squeezing it.
“Don’t cry for me, Lily.”
“I hate that you’re holding on to this. You would never intentionally hurt anyone.”
