And we hadn’t even had sex!
So, why oh why did the thought of having sex with a man I wasn’t in love with suddenly dampen my libido?
Twenty-Two
FYFE
My house smelled like a home for the first time since I’d bought it.
It smelled of baby—powder, food, and quite often, poop.
This morning it also still held the lingering scent of the sauce Lewis had made to accompany our pasta dinner last night. He and Callie, despite their busy and exhausting lives, took time to make dinner for me and Millie again. It seemed it might turn into a regular thing, and I couldn’t say I didn’t like the idea. Although Harley was a good nine months older than Millie, they still babbled together. I could already see them growing up as close as sisters.
My friends made the thought of single fatherhood a less terrifying prospect.
Yes, I was relieved as fuck Millie was mine.
However, that didn’t mean I’d miraculously shed all my fears. Lewis said if I wasn’t scared, then there was a problem. “All new parents have a healthy amount of terror simmering in their system,” he promised. “But we’re just so fucking exhausted, we get through it.”
I’d laughed at that because it was true.
Last night was the first night Millie didn’t teethe, but she still woke me up three times.
As I clipped my daughter (still so surreal) into the car seat, I talked away to her about where we were going and what the day held. She interrupted me with a few baby words. Today was the first day Eilidh wasn’t here, and I wondered if Millie missed her.
Driving into Ardnoch, I kept talking to Millie because it distracted me from the rage I’d been feeling since yesterday afternoon.
We found Pamela. She was working in Newcastle at a small solicitors’ firm. I’d called her office and they patched me through. Our conversation flashed through my mind and my hands tightened on the steering wheel.
“How did you find me?” Her soft voice was harsher than I’d ever heard it. “Leave me alone.”
“If you hang up on me, I will bring the wrath of the law down on you and as a solicitor, you know after what you did, I have it in my power to ruin you. So listen up.”
I heard her heavy breathing and continued, “The DNA test came back, proving I am Millie’s father.”
“You thought you weren’t?” She had the audacity to sound pissed off.
“A mother who abandons her child outside in the open isn’t someone I particularly trust,” I snapped. “Now, my solicitor is going to serve you with a document that states you give up all parental rights to Millie. If that’s what you want, you sign it. If it’s not what you want, we’ll need to discuss that further because I need to know you’re in the right mental state to look aft?—”
“I don’t want it.”
Stunned silent, it took me a minute to choke out, “It?”
“I don’t want it. It was a mistake. You should keep it.”
“It?” I repeated through clenched teeth. “Do you mean her? Our daughter?”
“Don’t,” Pamela whispered on a sob. “Please … I can’t.”
Concern pierced my fury. “Maybe you should talk to someone, Pamela? Before you make any big decisions.”
“I don’t want it. Send me the document. I’ll sign what you want.”
“One, call Millie ‘it’ again and we’ll have a problem. Two, Pamela … you don’t sound all right. I think you should talk to someone before you make this decision. Please.”
“Not every woman wants to be a mother. I just didn’t realize that until … untilshecame along. I’m not built that way, Fyfe. And I don’t … I don’t want to hurt …her.” Her sniffling filled the line.
Seething, I replied quietly, “If you sign over your rights now, that’s it. If you abandon her now, I won’t let you near her in the future if you change your mind. And if you take me to court for custody, I will produce this document and the footage of you abandoning your daughter on my doorstep where she sat in the cold for twenty minutes on her own. That’s the man I am. So think carefully that this is what you want … because if you change your mind later, I will fight with everything I have to keep my daughter from you.”
