She stumbled back, holding up her palms toward both father and brother. “Why didn’t you tell me? If I’m yours, why didn’t you tell me? Why did I have to find out from someone else that this woman you painted as a perfect wife and mother was actually a selfish bitch who cheated on you?”
Thane winced. “It was more complicated than that.”
“It was an affair. According to McClintock, it was an affair, and he wanted to stay with his wife and child. And you took Francine back, even though it was anaffair.”
“My reasons for taking back your mother were my own. You don’t get to judge me for that, Eilidh Francine Adair,” Thane told her sternly.
She flinched and I stood up off the couch, edging closer to her.
“You’re right. I don’t get to judge you for that. I do get to judge you for not telling me. Why did you tell Lewis and not me?I’mthe one whose parentage was in question. I’m the one Sean came after. So why did Lewis get to complete that puzzle while I was left with the lies? What is it about me, Dad? Why wasn’t I worthy of the truth?”
Thane’s features strained with remorse. “Oh, sweetheart, it’s not about being worthy of the truth. I was trying to protect you from the truth. Back then. And now I didn’t see the point in sharing. I only told your brother because he asked me directly to my face what my relationship with Francine was like. And I wanted to be honest.”
“Do you think I’m like her?” Eilidh asked, voice breaking. “Is that why you didn’t tell me? You didn’t want me to self-fulfil my genetics by becoming even more of a flaky, disloyal, selfish bitch?”
Thane held up a finger. “One, stop calling your mother a bitch. Two, don’t refer to yourself that way either.”
“I didn’t call my mother a bitch,” Eilidh snarled, gesturing to Regan who pressed her lips tightly together, suppressing a reaction. “That’s my mother. Francine was just the woman who gave birth to me.”
“Francine didn’t leave you, Eilidh. She died. And she loved you. More than anything. And people are allowed to make mistakes.”
“Even if they keep repeating them?” The tears fell fast and free now. “I think that’s why you didn’t tell me. I think you look at me and you see her. Why wouldn’t you? I made everyone dance to my fucking tune as a kid. Wanting what I wanted without caring how it affected anybody else. Then I fucked off and left my family behind to become a movie star!” She sobbed on a hysterical laugh. “And I hate every second of this life I was so determined to have. And because I can’t face what a selfish bitch I’ve been, it makes me even more of a bitch. Ihatewho I am. I hate myself! And now I know why. I’m my mother’s daughter!” With another sob, Eilidh’s knees seemed to give out.
A burning pain lodged in my sternum as I moved toward her.
Her father got there first. Thane fell to his knees and pulled his daughter into his arms, gripping her tight as she cried against his chest like a little girl.
Regan was in tears, as were Mor and Callie. Lewis got up and knelt by his sister and father, his hand on Eilidh’s back as he and Thane exchanged deeply concerned looks.
No fucking wonder.
Eilidh had told me over and over again that she was miserable. That she was trying to figure things out. But I hadn’t realized it was this bad.
I hadn’t paid enough attention.
Pushed enough.
Because I was trying to keep her at a safe distance.
I’d failed her.
Twelve
EILIDH
Five months ago
For the first time in years, I felt free.
In hindsight, it seemed obvious that what I’d needed all along was to just admit to the people I loved that I’d made a mistake. And that I hated the person I’d become. In hindsight, the latter especially wasn’t easy to face, let alone confess.
I feared changing my life. Feared disappointing them. Feared no one would take me seriously ever again because I’d made such a colossal error with the path I’d forged so far. Mostly I think I was terrified that if I admitted I didn’t like who I was, they would admit, at least to themselves, that they didn’t like me very much either.
The very thought of that was so painful, I couldn’t bear it.
I hadn’t lied when I told my family about visiting Sean McClintock. I arranged to visit him because I needed to make sure what Mor had overheard was true. It meant confirming itand protecting her so they didn’t find out she was the one who’d told me the truth.
I was sick to my stomach meeting Sean, but he seemed so normal. So nice, actually. I couldn’t forgive him for what he’d done, coming after me or having an affair with my mother, but I was grateful he was willing to meet and be honest with me. Sean told me Francine had been afraid of losing her youth after she gave birth to me. That she didn’t want to be an ordinary wife and mum. She’d wanted excitement. Not to be stuck in a tiny village in the Highlands. That last one had hit its mark because for so long, I’d thought the same. That staying in Ardnoch equated to living an unremarkable life. Francine’s answer was to start an affair with a married man, even though it blew up both their lives.
